wish fulfilment

last night, i dreamt that i was alone, sopping wet, running along a beach at night. the harsh stadium light captured my panic as i begged family after family to take me in; a muslim lady took pity and allowed me on her boat. together with her daughter, i pushed the open boat into the dark waters and we climbed in together. it was cold, depressing, and liberating.

i remember looking back towards the shore, starkly lit and mostly dark. from that moment i became truly alone, and so i no longer lived.

last week, or maybe the week before last, or maybe earlier, i dreamt of the beach too. it was an island, and we bought chicken rice. it was a steep decline down the beach to the sea, and they asked us not to sit too far down because high tide was coming in. we scoffed but sat closer to the gate that closed the sea out anyway, just in case.

halfway through our meal, the water gushed up the beach. i asked him to climb up first, and i followed as closely behind as i could. he reached the gate, and turned around to get me. i climbed up, already wet, and panted in manic relief. then the girl screamed. i turned and saw her pleading eyes as she got pulled down a little further with the water's momentary retreat. i jumped down.

pulling her by her dress and then pushing her by her ass up the sand, which now was slippery. i climbed, and then i heard the gush, and then the water surrounded me and pulled me into its embrace. the waves were huge, the water grey, and i swam futilely against the current, and i cried when i saw his disbelieving eyes, "i love you, i love you, i love you so much" as i was pulled continually back.

there came a moment when the noises just stopped, and it was the soft swish of the mutually lonely waves that reminded me it was i who had stopped crying out, and that was my surrender to the eternal solitude of the sea

then follow the mornings when, brushing my teeth, i reach out and wipe dry the tears on the face of the girl in the mirror