this is not goodbye she said

(it is just time for me to rest my head)

post-exam inactivity can be rather jarring. after monday's se meeting, there better be whole loads of things to do. in the meantime the prata in my bulging tummy prances around in the spacious enclosure. my fats they pool like pancake dough.

lolita is quite a stunning read, and i'm taking a surprising long time to go through it. capturing the friedmans first opened my eyes to the possibilities of pedophile tendencies, and thus far into the novel, i have almost come to acknowledge on a personal level the sexual eroticism of child pornography. perhaps the entire idea of corrupting innocence is just transgressively kinky.

a few minutes ago i lamented in the mirror how like a wan vampiress i look like without makeup and nicely arranged hair. having a bao face is just troublesome sometimes, really. and then i walked into the kitchen and on the table was the picture of the female lawyer who was killed in india.

earlier today, while buying mineral water and fruitips candy, i saw her picture upside down. the newspapers were arranged facing the cashier and her story was headline news.

how fragile the life we hold in our hands like trembling butterflies. and yet, and yet.

an apparent occupational hazard of being a nurse is information overload on all the possible ways human beings can die. hui min told me this afternoon about a man who had been admitted for gastric flu and had a silent heart attack 45 minutes later, and subsequently died. a nurse on duty discovered that he had collapsed by chance, when she noticed his chest was not moving. contrary to the hospital shows, resuscitation can be carried out for a very long time, until the doctor orders a halt.

in her training days, hui min had been present at the end of the 3 hours of a futile resuscitation of a primary 5 son of a nursing staff. he had been knocked down by a car while crossing the road to the hospital with his mother. the medical team did not stop trying to revive him for 3 hours.

while i am sorry for the loss of the singaporean lady who died in the political strife, i think it should not be grieved alone, for so many others, also wives, husbands, daughters, and sons, have ceased to breathe in unintended or misinformed sacrifice for causes which could have been much better reconstrued.

to help out with the upcoming ove and se efforts are still activities of interest to me because i am essentially operating in my comfort zone with relevant contacts and experiences to draw from. i don't wholly believe in a religion. with all my heart i keep faith in the goodness of man, and yet this is coloured gray by the different lives we all lead. i hope i can be of meaningful help to these projects i embark on. i know it is better to concentrate on these than waste time feeling fat and fugly and pitiful, i just need to start doing something.

with every step we take we learn a little more about ourselves and this earth we inhabit. i really hope to respect all my experiences and turn them into strength that can be used to empower others. there is a silver lining in every cloud, it's a matter of how big the cloud's expanse and relatively how thick the lining is.

i wish i could say wholeheartedly that i want the dreams of having my family whole and intact and happy to cease. humanly humans, such fatal ambiguity. sigh