active ageing

one of the most difficult things to have to admit is that some things can only be learnt with age, and these lessons are, even when i feel ancient and creaky and flabby, still not easy to stomach.

for example. i have learnt to begin to be happy for others who are embarking on journeys on which i cannot join in because of various reasons. such as modelling...okay this is the main one. and sometimes it gets really sour because i know i can walk better and pose better and it really really is only because of my fats that i am unable to do this.

and dance. performance opportunities are increasingly scarce because of my past chances to perform, my inability to immediately pick up stunts, my inability to jump to the sky, and yes. my weight again. please tell me why im bummed to be fat, i really wouldn't be able to guess

and love. the whole making-guys-like-me thing used to be fun and transgressively exciting and all, up till an uncomfortable recent period, but i realise it is time to respect and cherish friendship for friendship's sake, and i should divert such futile effort to nurturing my relationships with the important friends instead.

like michelle who texted me on her birthday to ask me out and began her text with "happy birthday to me!" cause i haven't wished her yet; like chengs who is my favourite friend and for whom i haven't been able to do shit; like elaine whom i have not contacted since forever; like vans who has covered so much for me when i've disappeared to be emo and useless. and mingyang towards whom i haven't been a friend for a long, long time.

i just really love all my friends. and whoa shit if i', nostalgic enough to type this i am really old. SHIT