zip and unzip

can you imagine how easily unpeeled you become when you start typing like you wrote in each of your childhood diaries? unspeakable horror and vulnerability. but so short this life who knows when it will end, what if nobody ever ever knows you, written off like sand.

chinese new year this year is with a tinge of sour. it is honestly objectively amusing to be calling out to a gone person while burning insane amounts of folded paper, then contemplating how to politely reject a red packet hours later. hello happy new year sorry ah me no hongbao this year.

family is balm. cousins only see annually, always glad to bask in laughter and sister's insane photography sprints (really, no other words to describe). and i am old enough to appreciate her chronicling. absolutely hilarious.

everything also fear. after the third futile intellectual probing in 2 days, i finally was spent enough to just say why i need to reschedule things. it is unbelievable how many little lies i have told to the million people that have demanded my follow-up untruths, and this one time i am truly grossed out to the pit of my stomach and say the truth, there is acceptance. grudging or not, is still so. so. small things don't know how to explain immense gratitude, shall not attempt.

snowball downhill is the best 2 words to describe love life. always troublemaker, but miserable problem solver. like you said if you were strong nothing would be wrong, but i am not strong enough to be strong for you. it is really just very confusing why i cannot just rise to the occasion and be. just be. like you know. theorise everything so damn zai, when it comes to application just cui. indications of failure abound. mahjong bridge othello - if have to employ people next time i will be sure to only choose those who thrive on games. writing is bullshit. i should know, i'm good at it. and nothing else. the more i age the more i know i am nought. just a none, really.

think about it. what have i ever really achieved, who have i really led, there is none. i don't even have the answers to your questions, i don't even have a solution to your problem. i cannot even remain calm to maximise my pea abilities. the working world will be nightmare beyond comparison. everything, everything is dread. enough dread to be relieved for this oncoming headache because at least it is a problem that i can solve.