fall to poetic pieces

catharsis

2011-02-20T16:10:00.000+08:00

i no longer need this emotional outlet, and i no longer need you.
it feels good.

enough

2011-02-14T23:15:00.001+08:00

enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough i enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough

what a crooner

2011-01-31T02:12:00.002+08:00

sing sing of sins

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQls53Piuj0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RctAgyp5K4Y
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c18441Eh_WE

lips legs lust

2011-01-24T01:44:00.004+08:00

going mad with want

reticence not a forte

2011-01-20T01:48:00.004+08:00

it is challenging being the middle management in the family. actually, i'm the top management disguised as middle management. did i mention i'm not even near perfect, still grasping my way into adulthood? yea, i am.

so in the office, things are vastly improving because i've finally gotten a semi grip and done decent work so far at a reasonable pace, not to mention, seriously, the colleagues, interns and fulltimers alike, are really good.

and no, i am not interested in anthony's sob story. there is no more space in my heart for dying parent. i apologise for this imperfection.

then it's home, and then voila, teenage angst meets mid-life crisis. really, papa, choose your scoldings. 1am to scream about a light that is really no big deal ain't gonna help your relationship with your teenaged son. although you probably have some unspoken indignity that you are keeping from us. and boy too, in school, it can't be that easy being the bottom of the barrel, but you will be stronger at the end of this, believe me. even if cynical and jaded, stronger, and a survivor. and survival is key. quality of life is bullshit.

this is not enough to cover expenses. not when i'm up to my eyeballs in debt, i don't know why the house is my sole responsibility now, and i'm still taken to splurging to calm myself down; tears no longer work. well the lovebonito $45 dress is nice, so i guess at least i'll be stunning during cny. and i hate feeling bad about not giving papa more. i hate it, i hate it, i hate it. i am not the fucking mother of this household.

house is messy and nobody listens to me when i ask/scold/plead/advice/scream/cry at them to tidy up their things, not enough shelves, fridge is old, tiles are cracking, stove is spoilt, washing machine aged, utensils few, mattresses fucking old.

this is humiliating. can't even rant to people. type and type.

the professional complex

2011-01-16T18:23:00.002+08:00

at mingyang's dining table now. robyn on speakers and keyboard protector cast aside cause it compeltely muffles the audio and robyn is only robyn, loud.

have spent the past 2 weekend completely bumming around and glued to the streets of manhattan, sex, friendship, and neurosis a la carrie bradshaw who is disturbingly familiar.

mingyang's mother just returned with a new haircut. she is one of the coolest mothers around. the previous time, she returned with a wig cause "everything also must try"

i be publishing writing online in april.

back to work kthxbye

night elf

2011-01-11T00:23:00.002+08:00

cataclysm's night elf music is sublime beauty.

it is one of those shadow dances with closed eyes caressed by feathery drapes. a slow sweep of lashes, and the gaze is upon you

the finger around your throat are unexpected, swift, and merciless. cold, but this you do not realise -

there are lips at your ear. and the sinister whispers begin, alluring and fatal. these are the last you will hear.

they say those with spaces between fingers

2011-01-07T00:55:00.001+08:00

spend money like water
it's true.

drowning all woe in caffeine
and shopping like a glamour whore.

conversations in my head

2011-01-06T01:04:00.002+08:00

id: go and buy that dress la, it's long enough to be decent and you can afford it!
ego: cannot la, already spent on the wedges and the dress and the top, shouldn't spend any more money liaos, especially since u know u will buy something else soon
super-ego: shut up and go and sleep.

so, goodnight!

long, long ago

2011-01-03T01:18:00.002+08:00

i wrote this and posted it on a website, just to be published.
recently, cassie chanced upon it again and put it on her facebook profile
there are many things i would change about it because it is unpolished and incomplete and rather juvenile because of how young i was then, but here it is.

the secret garden
in the secret garden of my heart, the melody begins.
softly the music plays, and gradually
i see your face
as my thoughts drift lightly to you
don't know why i have become like this
images surface
without warning in my mind
you, laughing, talking
doing the thing you do best; looking so much more
than just beautiful
has anyone ever told you, that
you would one day meet someone
the someone who saw you as just that little bit
more special than others
someone who would unconsciously
helplessly
take note of anything you do
it doesn't really matter what things come to
you have the freedom
where your path leads
though i do secretly hope deep inside
i just want you to know
that you only have to turn around
to see i'm mere steps away. be aware,
that i will be here for you. always.
the tune gradually fades, as i become sure
of what i feel for you
i dare not pin any word to that emotion
it feels right just to know it this way
without anything attached to it
it has no shape, no texture
it's just a something
that resembles a rainbow of colours flowing seamlessly
into each other, and
radiating a faint glow of happiness
slowly the gentle song ends
as i feel a smile forming on my face
and surely the chapter of you in this little secret garden of mine
begins.

2011 - 1 - 2

2011-01-02T23:31:00.002+08:00

my resolution is to be an optimist.

there is always hope, really.

jia you my loves.

auld lang syne, my dears

2010-12-31T01:11:00.002+08:00

seriously, we all look older. all of us.

well, imma spend nye alone forlorn so decided to at least dress up my nails and wear a nice skirt tmr and sit at esplanade to write something insightful and short to usher in 2011.

althought i gotta say the itch in both eyes is rather distracting and hardly glamourous or attractive. in novels the protagonist never has inexplicable rash growing from her eyes like mold, ever.

life sucks/

ok gimme 5, time for 2nd coat of red for nails

wah it went on quite nicely if i do say so myself (usually it's about now when something chips immediately. jinx.)

(eh don't have. yay!)

so yea. resolutions. isn't it funny how each year passes with increasing speed and decreasing significance? like, 2010 is gonna be over in one fucking day. what the fuck. i have barely wrapped my immense head around the fact of my matriculation, for goodness's sake, and now the year of my graduation is over?! you're kidding. no, no, you're Kidding.

they should have a class in primary school, called the time warp module. when you reach adulthood, time doesn't fly, it just evaporates immediately like the coke from your cup, and when you are asking for your rightful share everyone else begrudges you even when you obviously have gotten none at all. life is unfair, it is.

if you're wondering, yes i'm working tmr, the red rash from now fucking where finally decided to gimme a damn break and leave. oh am gee. but yea gotta do the nails. armour for the solitude and all that. i cannot believe my family just decided to forsake me. can. nobody to eat with on nye! for real!

-insert sob break-

resolutions. made enough to know that they never go through, not yet enough to stop making them (thanks goodness)

1. take a chill pill. for real. this year has seen me inexplicably and absolutely break down for no proper reason. bad.
2. up my game. writing and teaching will be primary rooms for improvement.
3. plan more things. after not 1, not 2, but yes, 3 sound scoldings from mingyang, june, and da bian respectively, i is gonna plan stuff. like, important stuff. seriously. really really.
4. choose things to plan. i will i will really really

i think enough liao. suddenly veh tired.

hahahhahah!

ok, honestly, the time spent apart from the people at office, in terms of being excluded and having this stupid rash right at the last week of work, is a humongous gigantuous opportunity for me to improve and learn to be a better person. i'm wise enough at least to see that. and honestly, it is terrifying to know that it is not a given that i will triumph this, because anxiety and paranoia are my best friends after michelle. hais. and it is very important to have faith and hold hope and at the very least know that it is not the end of the world nor the biggest concern so i must be better.

k la k la nag nag nag. i shld sleep. why is it tht every year i wanna pen a kickass, well-crafted entry to welcome a fantastic year and every year it's just rambling bullshit like this. not poetic at all. okokokok cause i neh plan okokok i nose i nosee

lubs yew veh muchhh

bare

2010-12-30T00:20:00.001+08:00

walk on fiery stones before the hallowed grounds

boyboy's facebook status is: Will you be proud of me if you're still around ? I miss you .

2010-12-29T22:23:00.000+08:00

the wisdom of youth

2010-12-29T22:15:00.002+08:00

here is a conversation with the brother.

boy: eh jie your eyes better not
me: yea better ah why leh
boy: i see
me: (looks at brother)
boy: hahaha look like kena beat sia
me: hahahah whatever
boy: why liddat ah
me: duno leh maybe cause rub too much loh. these few days i keep rubbing my eyes
boy: you angry issit
me: angry for what
boy: angry with yourself la. then rub your eyes. not good leh.

in lieu of tears, eyedrops

2010-12-29T21:59:00.002+08:00

here is a conversation with the mister.

b: hello?
my: hello!
b: hello!
my: hwere are u?
b: just went to starbucks to get coffee loh, walking home now
my: u ok not?
b: ya, why leh?
my: your message
b: orh. ya loh ya loh. aiya duno la (in retrospect, what the fuck does this line even mean)
my: hmmm. did something happen?
b: nothing la, nothing happend
my: work is it?
b: ya loh, work loh, same loh haha
my: did anything happen? (by this time if i were u ah dear i would have killed me. hahaha)
b: nothing la nothing happend (omfg)
my: hmmm, then?
b: just the same things loh, i keep thinking and thiking leh. i think i'm crazy
my: huh? why?
b: just keep thinking loh, wah they hate me la, i'm so dislikeable, then everything everything
my: erm. but did anything happen to make u feel this way?
b: no leh. just me. i'm just mad and paranoid
my: aiyo then u take a chill pill la!
b: i also know! but cannot leh! why ah? actually i'm quite funny one what, and okay one, why suddenly liddat
my: hahahahahaha
b: i duno leh. hais keep thinking and thinking like wah today i never do fast enough but then i stop myelf cause that time do too fast also not good but then keep thinking wah they must be saying why i so slow
my: ok stop. stop! u're buying coffee and walking home and talking to me can u just chill!!
b: orh. ok. i try. but hor i keep thinking later-
my: shut up!!
b: orh.
my: just shut up, and stop thinking. stop thinking! what's wrong with you! just stop thinking!
b: orh. ok. ok.

oh my god. how repulsive am i when paranoid, really.
quite funny. hahahahhahahha
haiyah mai emo la fuck

contentment, that elusive joy

2010-12-29T19:15:00.002+08:00

why do you hate me?
because you are dislikeable and hateful and everyone can see that

why don't you respect me?
because you are so fucking lazy it isn't even remotely funny

why can't i just get a grip?
because you are narcissistic and paranoid and immature and ignorant and unwise

why have i not improved?
because you are asking the wrong questions. anyone with half a mind would ask how, not why. navel-gazing fool. get a fucking grip or a fucking religion. or just get fucked. for real. you might lighten up then, if only slightly.

#hates

nothing more humanising

2010-12-29T12:15:00.002+08:00

than inexplicable red eyelids. i look like been punched at strategically symmetrical spots of my eyes, or the closest i'll ever be the faye wong. seriously, i'd rather read sandman than go clubbing tonight, but social roles.. ay.

rather be an alien

one kind of a fucking poor

2010-12-26T23:47:00.002+08:00

but quite liberating leh. got some kind of nonchalant disdain at everything. so like i see something i like then i go, hmpf so nice but i cannot afford. phish. haha!

but waiting for pay. many things to buy.

#girlsaresofuckingconfusing

in other news

2010-12-26T23:21:00.001+08:00

electronic pop is really rather hypnotic.

meet me in electronic dreams

2010-12-26T23:08:00.000+08:00

it has been quite an exhilarating weekend.

and all is manageable, and i want to live up to minimal, manageable expectations
at the very least, to be sane and normal as far as possible, it is what i want to remain as.

the years of feigning insanity has finally encroached upon the essential rationality, and that has to stop because i sincerely wish to live an okay life and to bring joy to others as they have done to me. and they have, this is true and this is the braid of hope i cling on to.

there is no reason for any anxiety, or at least there is no need for this fear because even if this ground gives way the next level is in all honesty not that far down. and through all times there are people who love me. i know that. i cannot forget that because i would be taking them for granted again and i do not wish to do that, or to let them down.

this resolve must stay. i will be better.

consequence, act 2 scene 1

2010-12-24T11:30:00.002+08:00

alone in the office
enough to blog this. :)
and type this line
and this line
and this line
and this line
and this line
this morning when i was putting make-up on my chair landed on my fourth right toe and scraped the skin off, i screamed fuck and it was quite painful and carrie could pick me up so i put mascara too since i would be carolling after and more paint on face is thicker shield for stupid heart so anyways when i reached office

yea. you get the gist.

scream in your head!

2010-12-23T00:04:00.003+08:00

1. my colleagues have been pointing out the groundless anxieties and needless paranoia

2. guess nobody noticed the late nights since they're spent offline

3. the perpetual insomnia spent rereading old texts and typing and deleting new ones

4. caution! rush hour on the train is insaner than ever!

5. losing grip on self-assurance.

6. well, it could only go up from here, right?

7. settling. soon.

8. whatever you seek is already within yourself.

9. is anything ever truly true?

10. 2010.

meandering rivulets, a horizon thankfully dark and endless, and sweet, sweet silence

2010-11-07T22:24:00.001+08:00

math will save the world

2010-11-07T20:35:00.000+08:00

increased age = lessened capacity for words

quirks are hardly relevant when you need competence

2010-10-29T23:23:00.002+08:00

it is always easy to talk about lessons learned after the fact, because the embarrassment, humiliation, and various failures can easily be swept under the colourful carpet of self-righteous deprecating admission of fault. only, these matter none when problem-solving skills and stamina are required. and, well, maybe this is the breaking that i have to go through.

one kind of sour taste, to have it on the table that i am not only mediocre, i am not even trying very hard. and no, i am not sure that i can handle admitting it openly. the aura of raging emotions was great enough to make myself disgusted, only i could not control it. or just shaken.

wah...this is tough. i don't know how i is going to triumph this. actually, it's called go fucking do the damn work and stop blabbering.

clinical pragmatism

2010-09-29T00:34:00.003+08:00

the flurry of learning is accelerating. the mass of wisdom and the immensity of my ignorance are equally amazing. here are the more painful lessons thus far: i am really rather mean and heartless, and personal assistant means yes i have to care about what people think about whether i sound (insert physical effort to not roll eyes to bedok and beyond) too task-oriented. (like seriously, do your damn work and stop being emo like a bloody teenager)

wells, blue bells cockle shellz.

sit and sit and sit on every essay like a duck. each writing is quite clearly a chunk of my very minimal soul. painful like anything to extract and slower than a sloth.

the working world consists of three type of people: the whiners, the hollow shells, and the marginally insane (from dealing with both).

cannot be bothered anymore, really. the world is fascinating, but people are just underwhelming.

i'm sure you heard it before

2010-09-15T00:15:00.004+08:00

"forgive and forget, before i am paralysed"
crystalised: the xx

the office people are all-rounders to an uncanny extent. they listen to obscure music and know all the mainstream stars, check out fringe blogs and new york times simultaneously, play games and have finished reading titles i have never heard of, oh and they memorised every single shakespearean work that ever existed. i am not even kidding.

eugene's passing is saddening. the last time i saw him, a week ago at gary's studio, he announced to everyone that heather just accepted his porposal. when i danced with him, i remember making a mistake, forgetting to turn, and we laughed about it. i know death tends to influence people to attribute disproportionate levels of general qualities to them by virtue of the cessation of their existence, and i am aware that my blurred vision from watching the video of the salsa practice is purely circumstantial and hardly the best encapsulation of eugene, and i am incapable of ignoring them.

"i still want to drown whenever you leave.
please teach me gently how to breathe"
shelter: the xx

there are 2 friends i sorely, sorely miss, and whom i cannot contact for different circumstantial reasons. if push came to shove, these reasons would not matter, but i am standing still and barely breathing, and you are nowhere near, and i can hardly call to you again, thus things are so.

ambient

2010-09-12T01:21:00.005+08:00

after awhile, all chatter fades into the walls. your utterances become typographical wallpaper, beautiful scribbles as pretty as your face. i must apologise for my bad complexion and sore throat, more than the stark silence because that obviously affects you less. some days, i feel like i might be beautiful inside, i wish it showed on the outside. strange music and hidden gems of books are my new muses. you are no longer a preoccupation, goodbye, farewell, now we bid adieu

a nanny complex

2010-09-06T02:05:00.002+08:00

it is disarming to continually face circumstances in which people i care for go through turmoil that i can be of absolutely no help of. words matter little, concern washes away like unwanted rain, and company is incidental aid at best.

is the stuff of love songs so ephemeral and unattainable as to be laughable? you are safe in my heart, my heart will go on and on,
and on. and so forth. doesn't seem to help anything. those most glad and comfortable are those who are coming to terms with the fallacy of relationships.

this has been a bad week. lost phone, bought june's used iphone, got bombed by stunning news, scolded for not doing work properly, made a bad move and spent money i don't have on a phone that is not needed cause june's iphone started working. didn't read options properly and erased all data from the iphone. i cannot rid my futile and ineffective nanny complex. this is a mess.

hi again

2010-08-29T01:56:00.002+08:00

it's been awhile. so far, it is still a mad rush to learn enough, quickly enough, and churn enough, write edit re-edit rewrite enough, run here and there, first small class (nerves!), service at restaurant thrice thus far eyebrows still an issue everyday got shallow headache cause make too many faces. running..not so much. had a thorough and teary talk with mingyang yesterday. our tale very sordid and convoluted i don't know how to tell you without taking like maybe 2 days of your time, so things are okay loh, and insert shrug and smile. and eyebrows.

when chengs let me know she was mad about my absence from (another) gig, this time a major one, i begun to realise that i have never been there for any of my friends who have been there for me each time i needed them, chengs, june, aya, among others, these being the most recent ones i've missed. and it is terrifying to understand that friendship is fragile and is fallible. i will refrain from seeking sympathy until i have proved at least some semblance of deserving for attention. i wish you best for your prep.

a key change has been an insane, insane preoccupation with following links to obscure and interesting insights designs writings dialogues speeches artwork etc etc. another is the tendency to lose interest in writing other than for essays and tweets. like now. so, best, wish you love hope faith, nights

school and spools of thought

2010-08-15T22:42:00.002+08:00

the first thing i have learnt is that there is too much information to be absorbed. there are too many of us on this globe and too much turbulence in each of us, and the human race is one very big very colourful abit smelly and extremely tangled mess of threads, tied tight enough incidentally to easily be misconstrued as a neat spool.

secondly it is insanely difficult to condense very complex issues into fair portrayals in essays.

thirdly, my writing is too convoluted to be true!

fourthly, each of my essays has been through at least 4 drafts, and i need to bounce off others before i can spot my own mistakes. this reliance on the afore explained messy humanity thus spells my doom.

and fifth, i am sincerely perturbed by how i feel about you. not gonna change anything but. well. just..yea. aiya.

hi

2010-08-02T22:54:00.001+08:00

last year's jdc, i fell. here is the video: http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=74796410900&subj=738911001
last saturday's salsa competition, i fell. here is the video: http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=414359316234&ref=mf

smiles.

marriage is hot soup on a rainy day

2010-07-30T22:04:00.001+08:00

this is running in the rain, half frozen and headed nowhere

2010-07-28T02:52:00.001+08:00

finished writing mini notes, half of which don't make sense, drank half a cup of heaven&earth iced lemon tea, listened to vitamin c 25 times in a row. okay, okay, off to iron the clothes now..almost. sigh. this is so unfounded and so profound that i want to hyperventilate in laughter. goodnight.

old songs die hard

2010-07-28T01:45:00.002+08:00

the first time i listened to vitamin c's "graduation (friends forever)" and cried, i was 12, about to graduate from primary school. i sat close to the radio and sniffled as softly as i could, feeling sure and certain that there would be no sadder farewell in my life.

the second time i listened to vitamin c's "graduation (friends forever) and cried, i was 13, attending the farewell party for the graduating batch of seniors from npcc. i felt sad for them because they were sad and crying, and it was like emotional projection.

rinse and repeat above for when i was 14 and 15.

the fifth time, i was 16, and graduating myself. i was sad, and sure, and certain, that i would never feel so belonged to a group of people, ever again.

then i was 18 and leaving odac, and the biggest crush i have ever had on anyone. unrequited emotions and innate melancholy made for noisy sobs at the final day of leadership training camp, our last.

now i am 23 and tomorrow is my convocation, and i am listening to vitamin c's song again. this time, i know that the nostalgia is induced, the emotions largely unfounded, and the significance , in the long term, negligent. and yet, and yet, i am reluctant to iron the outfit and the academic gown that i will wear tomorrow, in a ceremonial ceremony to mark the end of my formal education since i was 5 and flushing peaches down toiletbowls to avoid eating the fruit, with red lipstick on and about to go onstage for the first time ever running onstage as a leaf in a happy garden. each moment that i feel nostalgic is also tinged with regret for snowman, that we could have shared in this milestone, and now we have to search for another.

i wonder how proud mama would be. she has always been the most proud of me. i was thinking of her when i watched the seamstress, mrs tan, at the sewing machine altering my dance costume just now. might she have been part of this, and this, and this aspect of my life? the lift button for level 10 was already bright when i entered the lift - maybe she was with me. is.

will we laugh at ourselves for this emotional spurts of public camaraderie? facebook, twitter, blogs, all proclaiming a unity that is short-lived and necessarily gorunded in institutionalised forms of identity. and yet, and yet. still reluctant to iron the clothes and begin the day that is the last that i am a student. i love my new job, i am wiser in handling my relationship with mingyang and trying my best to be wise enough quickly, i am sure of who my friends are and that there will always be people who mean more to me than i admit, and i am okay with my self and i am aware of my flaws and i strive to work on them. and yet, this tendril of innocence, abandon, drama, excitement, spontaneity, this mini legacy that has stretched so far into my life for so long, it has come to meant something. and i know i am ready to let go, and yet i am reluctant to go forth. these 4 years, i have laughed more than i have ever in my life, cried more than i have ever in my life, spoken in public and to strangers more than i have ever in my life, taken trains and travelled more so than i have ever in my life, hidden my emotions more so than i have ever in my life, written more so than i have ever in my life, screamed,hit,jumped,fallen,burned,risen,stagnated, more than i have ever, ever done so in my life. i have never lived more. i

this is stupid cause i so old alr listen to some dumb song and want to bawl.

math matters

2010-07-22T12:27:00.001+08:00

18 + 16 + 82 = 116
116 / 1.9 = yayness

crescendo

2010-07-18T02:34:00.002+08:00

with buttered fingers, swinging between cliff of black and cliff of white. scrambling and tearing nails in desperation for pause at either end any end so long as there is pause but there is none. swing, swing, swing, swing, all the world reduces into a singular, mounting horror at the eternity of this nausea

(rinse and repeat)

2010-07-17T01:31:00.002+08:00

(i can do this)
(i can't do this)

augmentation and amalgamation and apprehension and alarm and ah, aiyo, aiya, ay...

2010-07-17T01:26:00.002+08:00

2010-07-17T01:19:00.001+08:00

()

2010-07-17T00:47:00.002+08:00

wind-up toy

2010-07-08T09:22:00.002+08:00

blue dress red hat yellow flower.
turn and turn key, mechanical sounds like other mechanical toys, walk and walk, step step step
inhale pollen too deep, trip over feet and fall. painstakingly stand up
walk and walk, step step step, inhale pollen too deep, trip over feet and fall.
painstakingly stand up

we'll be guided by my new friends the butterflies

2010-07-04T01:42:00.003+08:00

we'll be guided, by my new friends, the butterflies
we'll be, guided by my new friends, the butterflies
we'll be guided by, my! new friends, the butterflies
we'll be, guided by, my - new friends! the butterflies
we'll be guided by my, new, friends, the butterflies

GO CHENGS

2010-07-03T00:34:00.000+08:00

JITAO STUN

2010-07-02T01:31:00.002+08:00

wednesday marks day one of my journey to becoming a lit teacher under ms kon.

so this is why people stop caring

2010-06-26T17:27:00.002+08:00

it's just too tiring to sustain it when there is negligible reciprocation. thus far i have done it out of seeming inevitability. now that there is none left i see that it is purposeful and calculated ignorance. after all i am hardly essential to you, why should you be crucial to me, why should you ever be crucial to me

and i promise you'll never hurt anymore

2010-06-26T17:12:00.003+08:00

i just went to lai de yans' fb to look for perry's fb. he has changed his profile picture, the 3rd now, to one of him and the new girl. the new girl, chenchen, has also changed hers to one of her and perry. i can only imagine how devastated, continually, lai yan is, esp since she met him before leaving singapore, and especially since she is going to the hometown of the new girl. it is understandable that the new girl would feel as an individual threatened and frightened by the newness rawness and vulnerability of her new relationship, hence the profile pictures, but seriously, perry, how heartless can you be. how heartless can you be. this is so saddening i can stab my heart ok,. want to need to have to stop caring so much. cannot take it alr. balking like a cracked boulder.

doesn't help that hui min keeps listening to sappy love songs that are all lies. love is a lot more thorny than this, i promise you.

ballad

2010-06-24T02:03:00.002+08:00

there are many places i could have been tonight, foremost at the multimedia event, organised by possibly the most knowledgeable professors i will ever have the honour to meet. instead, i was trudging along deserted roads in an unfamiliar neighbourhood, past the odd stray dog, many trucks, regular congregations of predominantly foreign or old men gazing in rapture at 22 men kicking a ball, and talking about everything that comes to mind. there's no other place i would rather be.

they won't let me in

2010-06-24T02:00:00.000+08:00

The Witches - Roald Dahl

2010-06-23T21:38:00.002+08:00

The two of us remained silent in front of the fir for a long time after that, thinking about these wonderful things.

'My darling,' she said at last, 'are you sure you don't mind being a mouse for the rest of your life?'

'I don't mind at all,' I said, 'It doesn't matter who you are or what you look like so long as somebody loves you.'

font size eight

2010-06-21T00:02:00.003+08:00

friends are bubbles that float near enough yours to collide gently and regularly enough to be comforting lapses in the endless stretches of silence that is life. i'll tolerate your ranting if you do mine, give you comfort in exchange for stealing company, some mind space maybe, some heart space hopefully.

the breathlessness has dissipated largely because of coffee. who would know that kl's coffee tripping brought about these many revelations. haha. keep downing caffeine, inject enough piccolo latte into veins for that bright-eyed wonder at the saturation everywhere around.

violin strings on a lonely night. i bet you hear nothing. i bet you have no idea you are my london. london, london, i bet you have no idea you are my london

and yet

2010-06-20T22:54:00.001+08:00

wish for hope this joyful
do i, i do

stop and stare

2010-06-20T22:48:00.001+08:00

i realise i have a knack for gazing intently enough to convince even my self that i am engrossed.

it must be zimms

2010-06-20T22:43:00.003+08:00

throughout the world cup fever these are the thoughts i have

with the extensive labour that was required to improve the infrastructure, how much labour was exploitative? how many homes were destroyed to make way for beautiful scenery en route to the stadiums? how much food was rerouted to tourists instead, how much did the price of food rise for locals?

how many children have starved?

how much of the money earned has gone toward helping the impoverished?

how much of the history has been truly understood, as pointed out in prof z's class, there has been extensive effort to erase parts of the violent history, how many people have voted instead for the tours organised by citizens bent on preserving the integrity of their history?

waka waka, this time for africa; how much of the benefits reaped have been truly for the africans?

music and videography are powerful tools. as the shot pulled out from the stadium i saw the wooden shacks on barren land. there is a reason why the shots of people in the music video for which shakira sang are staged and in studios, why most of the natural shots are only of animals.

gotta get reading the fleff blogs again. let's rise above this revelry in game and understand the entirety of such global phenomena.

silent and spacious

2010-06-20T02:04:00.001+08:00

silent and spacious silent and spacious silent and spacious silent and spacious

starlight

2010-06-20T01:53:00.001+08:00

silent and spacious, silent and spacious

cross step transfer weight roll shoulders one hand on hip another on head, tilt head from right to left, smile and act seductive

2010-06-12T00:16:00.003+08:00

i will go to cuba and dance on the streets.

merrymaking

2010-06-09T01:34:00.001+08:00

if there is a lightning bolt like a sudden jolt the kind you open your eyes wide, shocked by a touch from

2010-06-08T23:16:00.003+08:00

*
unexpected nuggets like gold flakes strewn amongst gradually withering blooms
transgression the ephemeral skirt of tassels toying with soft skin
i am breathless and breathless with sighs
i don't love you and i always will

`
the first is that i don't love you
the next is that i always will
the third would be you are naught to me
the fourth, the fourth, would you stay if i plead?

;
i will pretend i did not see your gaze upon me.

mope like mop then laugh like hyena

2010-06-05T23:54:00.000+08:00

"does moving house make you So Excited that going home pales So Much in comparison that you are so bored that you are almost dead?"

HAHA DAMN FUNNY

how far can i run

2010-06-01T20:58:00.002+08:00

helped pose as young working adult shopping at gss
lunch with amy & yy at vivo superdogs
school for salsa training with wei jie. we are choreography nooblets, this is taking a lifetime.
phone call with pings
phone call with mingyang
dinner with wei jie at tiong bahru market
phone call with sarah
phone call with papa
train
home.

breath

2010-06-01T00:49:00.001+08:00

less

limbo much??

2010-05-31T23:56:00.003+08:00

days are spent underwater. everything is either muted or in hypercolour, and there is an unjustifiable tendency to shake head in time to a conjured rhythm. the more you blink the more your eyes sting! after awhile, you close your eyes and feel with outstretched hands, pray to a nameless deity that all will be well.

1. job
2. interpersonal relationships
3. nocturnal breathlessness

serious fun

2010-05-31T10:25:00.002+08:00

some films are supposed to be mindless. sex and the city, from the title alone, definitely falls into such a category. but there is good fun and bad fun. i enjoyed the first instalment, but the 2nd one is crap. sheer indulgence with little regard for continuity, strong narrative motivation, or even decent and convincing acting (not even compelling yet)

cannot stand just writing off things with the security blanket that genre apparently provides. fun does not mean stupid. yikes

twisted limbs like knotted tree

2010-05-30T12:46:00.002+08:00

this is not going to make sense.

hui min said, moments before we fell asleep (or at least i did), when she alighted from her friend's car on our side of the road, she heard a person calling her name from across the street. she turned, but she's shortsighted so she couldn't see who the person was. she turned back, and the person called her name again

"hwee been"

i cannot lose my sister! i would gladly (very frightened but yes gladly) take on anything in her place.

this was what i dreamt of:

a huge tattoo of an intricate dragon across my left shoulder and upper arm, and a huge floral tattoo on my left hip. the terror of papa finding out. and finally mustering enough courage to show mama, who gently laughed at me and pointed out that they weren't permanent. i gingerly picked at the edges of the dragon's tail, and it came out free. i peeled it off like a flattened gummy sweet pasted fervently onto my skin.

and then, at the corner of a large field, against the fence of which there is an immense jerrycan of water. a big water hose, water gushing out, people going mad about the water being wasted. mama basically going completely berserk, hosing everyone and everything down in her panic. "waste water!" the horrified bystanders scream at her. "waste water!" mama screams into space, her wild eyes seeing nothing.

"mama. mama! MAMA CALM DOWN. direct the water into that container instead, it needs filling up!" she does it and calms down. there is peace.

i wake up.

"i'm a cocoon"

2010-05-24T23:16:00.000+08:00

"i cannot hear anything!"

sunday nights

2010-05-23T21:03:00.002+08:00

tonight i am home alone again but it is not a good night. i crave silent company. this is one of the times i wished more people read my blog so i would get a text asking me to go out for a silent supper. askmeout askmeout askmeout.

in the ideal world

2010-05-23T02:03:00.006+08:00

i would, foremost, play the piano and guitar and cello. and i would sing well.

small, nondescript, fringe pubs frequented by the heartbroken and mocked by the popular would allow me to sing on the occasional weekends their entourage of heartbroken and (thus) brilliant musicians fall too lovesick to perform. on these nights i will take the stage and sing into the microphone. i will imagine gazes at me, and on the final night when i do summon enough unwarranted courage to peek at the audience i will realise the floor empty save the janitor cleaning up, who is deaf because of the war. a war, any war.

nights at the rented attic. frantic writing, always writing, always reading, always churning strings of words. i will paste these strips of semi-poetry on noticeboards, on the backs of toilet doors, in lifts, in fitting rooms, and most importantly, on the tables of all the cafes obscure enough to be crowded with fellow striving struggling writers. we will be one in our paper chase.

because i will be poor and mad (hmm. actually..lol), i will no longer have qualms about talking to people about the realities of their lives. i know about you, and i notice more than i let on. after all, pretending to be stupid is firstly more convenient, and secondly not all that far off the mark because i am truly an unaccomplished being.

see the world and the skies from different places, face upward eyes closed pasted smile and deep inhalations, loud sighs. no one around so i can imagine in entirety your fingers through my hair

my dear!

2010-05-21T01:19:00.003+08:00

you are the moon and the stars, and i really like stargazing. mooncakes rock socks but the moon..ok la. abit mor peng but important to have for tides so can watch the stars with the sound of the waves.

you are my sunshine you are my snow. but i still wanna go paris and vienna and those are on you. so are africa timbuktu japan and new zealand.

you are the unsaid, the unintended, the inextricable the abit fat super white but still very cute one.

maybe, you are the one

for lai de yans and da de bians

2010-05-20T00:47:00.000+08:00

eventually, acquiscence

2010-05-19T03:52:00.002+08:00

robin hood: grip, grit, weep, but never this - a conscious slackening of defense, slowing breaths into shallow intake of thin air, and expressionless the only remaining protection (a membrane, quivering)

the handmaid's tale

2010-05-15T14:52:00.003+08:00

home alone again! spring cleaning. i need to stop hoarding things like memories. hairband and hair tied into a sprout (a la snowman) and f.i.r's fly away. let's sing more chinese songs and clean more homes. if i finish quick i will go to ikea alone. bliss

you're like perfection

2010-05-15T14:14:00.000+08:00

how do i feel this good sober

run to the computer!

2010-05-12T21:30:00.002+08:00

a rainy night at home! it hasn't happened for awhile. takeaway dinner, a novel about mad people, and an entire night to digest both. oh, and the sporadic traffic sounds - vehicles sound different when they pass by under the rain. tonight's gonna be a good night.

meanings layer like clouds, some heavy, others wispy

2010-05-11T01:28:00.001+08:00

don't you just love recontextualisation?

2010-05-08T03:08:00.001+08:00

i know i do.

cabinet of pigeonholes crashed and from the ashes, strange flowers

2010-05-08T02:18:00.004+08:00

if you are reading this, you know how well separated the parts of my life are. different people even call me by my different names. each group of people clearly differentiated, comfortably distanced.

well, this all came to nought tonight. every sphere of my life from childhood to university converged at filament and all watched the fyp that my groupmates and i have toiled over for the past year. i have to say, part of the reason i sat at the furthest corner of the floor hugging my knees to myself was from the sheer surreality of it.

i have absolutely nothing to ground this upon: the nostalgia from looking at the bcs people. there are practically no friends, but i just.. really appreciate them, and their efforts toward their own projects and towards filament. and of course. my fellow we the people. how to say. this is a potential lump in throat, let's not embarrass me. lol

i hope to learn the guitar. then i can strum and sing like holly golightly. as i age, i want less of appearing mysterious and shit. the peace from solitude is precious enough in itself. and please don't look at me, there is nothing impressive here. really. maybe sometimes i dress up and put enough makeup can look halfway decent, but i would rather read and weep and write and make people weep. that is honestly, sincerely what i wish to do most.

all the lonely people can hold hands and have some moments of golden silence for abit.

hello junejune

2010-05-07T10:02:00.000+08:00

i really miss you.

will you ever wane

2010-05-07T00:52:00.001+08:00

voice of a siren strumming strings like angels' harps
this tune she plays she plays upon your heart

final few of 22

2010-05-01T22:59:00.002+08:00

everything is related. above all, everything is intertwined. the past present and future, love life school projects employment history, friendship woes scandalous undercurrents unspeakable transgressions, architecture ideology literature film politics economics sociology, can think of how many variables is how many things there are in the mix. everytime a task is extricated from the tangle something else is invariably involved. too much goo, everything sticks.

the biggest failure this year was fyp. overcoming my groundless terror in general and persistent lack of versatility in particular. not a problem-solver, not a fantastic group member.

the biggest achievement this year was fyp. the necessity to just suck it all up and go on as best as possible is a lesson unlike any other on the inevitability of continuity, and the absolute impossibility of giving up.

the happiest moments: (spent 15 minutes trying to think of something) (where got people laugh so much but cannot remember happy moments one) (cui) (if is relief got a lot ah but happy is like) (er hello seriously got so tragic not) (OI) ok la. boyboy turning 18, all of us celebrating at aunt's place with all the cousins. the most important people in my life.

the saddest thing this year, and for the next few years, was that neither my brother, my sister, nor me got to accompany my mother during the final moments of her life.

23 loh

- >_< :'(

2010-05-01T09:24:00.002+08:00

first of all the extremely crucial fact is this usually happens in the night. it must be a result of last night's sumptuous dinner, strawberry vanilla cake, late night singing and later supper. you know, nostalgia wham bam like a rocket bomb asking for your seat. "ex kiu zay mua, cane ah hairf dees seed"

it is ending. i don't want it to end. going to shafiah's solemnisation. i don't want to bawl in front of the salsa people again. all this heartwrenching moments how could we ever have been expected to hold this immense miracle by ourselves, we cannot.

i was wondering, if each moment (birth wedding death graduation anniversary whatever) is precious and i wail at absolutely every single one of them, does it make things less so? aiya. things to ponder. gotta shit. let's hope this self-deprecatory reflexivity holds up.

have a good day YOU

is there anything more sobering

2010-04-29T20:20:00.002+08:00

than the knowledge of prowess beyond our faculties? beyond epistemological parameters, beyond institutional indoctrination, beyond all the wisps of knowledge that occasionally float past the eyes of the lucky few. aiya. after exams and in between bargaining fo the price of printing on paper, gorging on books is the best feeling i have had in ages. as a sideline though, final fantasy xiii's constructivism is really enjoyable. i'm gonna read more on these, architecture and religion. the tangible and intangible cornerstones of mankind's legacy throughout the ages.

how massive, literature

as of now

2010-04-29T00:41:00.002+08:00

tmr is gonna buy pet toys, clothes, collect stuff from ling (if i knew 1 more item would cost extra 14 i rather forgo the stupid stand la. it better be breathtaking), then most probably go read.

there is filament to prepare for, so minor edits on friday, discuss the event, maybe go printer's with wendy, then dinner with acbc.

saturday is shafiah's wedding prep.

sunday morning tuition, lunch with june, dinner with family.

monday gotta run. really. really run, run, really. doctor's with mingyang to check the chronic pain and toenail.

tuesday and wednesday final exporting, filament prep, collect brochures? (must have brochure la really. i wish we could afford the high quality one)

thursday and friday filament

so as of now until about a week after my birthday i am jam packed, jam packed, you hear, jam packed. no time for anything else at all. i got film festivals to submit the short film to, runs to run, tuition classes to make up for, new students to take up, a job to find, my family to support, my complexion to worry about, friends to catch up with, no time for anything least of all

you

my very own salt & vinegar chips

2010-04-20T17:36:00.001+08:00

"i used to think that samosas are called mimosas"

19th April - FYP Presentation Day

2010-04-19T23:20:00.002+08:00

brace yourself for a zoom-in-on-pores kind of detail. i want to remember today i really want to.

greeted by the sight of tables at porch (porch?), justin & group in formal wear. first few butterfly wings fluttered. must remind self to stop looking at floor walking, was first thought when walking past tutorial rooms 1 & 2. wedges making the reassuring kok kok sound. benches area already populated with fellow year 4s in various degree of formality. the sight of fahimah & fariza was balm. familiarity. sold tshirts with erwin & koonyen, they went to watch the screening in the LT. jessie came, we sold some tshirts. did the stupid visa dance on the bench with fahimah, best de-stresser in the world.

weiwei, yinyin, and joyce. haven't seen joyce the chengs in at least 1 eon. struck me again, we converse, or at least i do, much more intelligently via texts. i should just jump into paper and be an essay. talk also stutter (more about that later). chengs is tiny. she proclaims her face is fat but i have run out of synonyms, if you peer at yourself 1mm from the mirror how tiny can you be, really. aiya. say people pretty they don't believe one. mingyang agrees too but not like you will believe right xiao hong. haha. ok la. next.

post-lunch. pictures with people, then i realise i don't have many more friends than when i entered the school. as in, other than maybe 5 people i probably won't keep in touch with people. what a far cry from jc. fyp supposed to make friends but i don't think they want to be my friend. objectively speaking.

presentation is stunning. zimmermann as always came up with some damn far out concept about ours being brechtian. jitao stun. nikki said, say yes. we said, yesss. lol. it was insightful to have kym campbell too, his take on the graphics and all put things into perspective. nikki and zimmermann disagreed on the acting style. i see it as more of an application problem. you apply auteur theory on a film, also can, you apply textual analysis, also can, each and both give value in different ways. but oh well my confidence is damn sky high right. haha. didn't say anything. stammered during self-introduction. m-my name is bee hwee *lookz at floorz* i-i wa sin charge of er aud-audio in post production and wa-wardrobe etc. how do i summarise this. i sounded pitifully pathetic enough that nikki gave me a reassuring look. how bout that, ranger. morphin' time into a toad. but they liked it. i am way glad. and way proud of my groupmates, well done!

pictures pictures pictures. mass picture, then someone started singing auld lang syne. i have no friends and i belted it out like celine dion. ok more like saline dory. oh well. instinctive herding tendencies from npcc and odac. i just like people la. they make me sad and so i say i don't but really i do.

tompang jessie's cab to bukit batok wanna go yishun take stuff, then i remembered gotta hand in lit essay. fuckfuckfuck take cab back because is 4pm and angela is damn anal, i heard, about deadlines. sianz. so much for saving money there goes my saved lunch money. saw nadia faiz naz at cati lab. last. said bye to cathy and colleen. some people ah sometimes i think eh if we were friends would it have been fun, too late to ponder except here. blisters starting to form by the time i reach hss, fucking downward slope. shouldn't have worn heels la dammit. but wouldn't have done it any other way. special mah. zui hou liao. i really like angela, she tolerates my onslaught of babble like it is actually halfway logical. well. i sincerely hope, for both our sakes, my essay is decent. i really like the topic and truly tried to simplify it this time. and did a mountain of research that i can spout architectural theories on culture and socialisation. can. kao.

train to khatib. toes dying. seat at cck - chiong. exhausted, sleep. ding dong, khatib. alight. rain. overhead bridge. bang head on fucking hard tv who the fuck hangs tv so fucking low. blinded, stand still. fucking pain. prima deli peanut butter and butter waffle. ten tons of perspiration, shower. remove makeup use renewal gel use facial wash use body foam use towel wear comfy clothes. pack clothes. so muchhh. too heavy unpack some. pack shoes. take notebook. bus takes five lifetimes to reach.

long, long, peaceful bus ride, play songs on low volume - cannot find earphones - long, long bus ride in the rain. and i think, how apt. how apt that i spend these few precious hours alone, riding the 179 bus out of ntu for the last time in a school day, and alone, and then this insanely long bus ride with rain outside and darkening sky and other passengers are quiet too. i wouldn't have it any other way. really.

a deep breath, one sigh.

sunshine in the snow

2010-04-17T19:42:00.000+08:00

if i could be here i would be there with you

2010-04-14T23:40:00.001+08:00

Curtain - Daniel Arsham

2010-04-11T19:41:00.001+08:00

HL206: Modernism

2010-04-11T19:23:00.000+08:00

Why Patterns (Pour) from Snarkitecture on Vimeo.

Nanyang Business School Free Access Lab - 5:00 p.m.

2010-04-10T17:00:00.002+08:00

This last row is my favourite, Mingyang is sitting on my favourite seat. He is much favoured (favourite is Papa) so I let him. Emma said, she read in a book that people discern love in different ways - touch, quality time, encouraging words, gifts.

The most important word from Modernism seminar yesterday is "texture". It is almost evening now (all is continuum but we insist on categories like tunnel-visioned ants) and through the window the grilles cast diagonal shadows. The leaves sway and their traces caress the grilles' echoes.

it must be warm inside Your arms

2010-04-09T01:42:00.003+08:00

honest to goodness, i wish i believed in God. it will no longer be lonely or frightening because i would be able to draw strength from Your holy, eternal, and all-encompassing love for me. Your forgiveness would lend me courage to face all obstacles with grace and wisdom, and i would in turn be able to reach out a helping hand to those in need.

the first thing i would do is attend every church service that has someone singing Oh Holy Night, and weep not from the mere beauty of the melody but from being fundamentally moved by the miracle that is in each one of us, this spark of life granted by God's grace and Jesus's unconditional sacrifice.

above all, faith would come naturally.

honest to goodness. i wish i could bring myself to believe in God.

hot ass crazy sexy people

2010-04-09T01:35:00.002+08:00

you made me slobber make me slick
with sweat, anticipation of bodies tossed like light hair
alluring smiles and lowered eyelids, eyelids,
almost i can taste the throbbing blue veins on your eyelids

2010-04-08T13:50:00.001+08:00

it is a pity that i am neither talented nor strong enough to catch up with my peers and enter the workforce on equal footing. not a tragedy because i can (not saying will cause who knows how long i will be cui) become better, but just - a pity

here is the secret that nobody knows

2010-04-05T22:28:00.002+08:00

if you had already ever seen such beauty
you would never have eyes for me

honest to goodness you are my salvation

2010-04-05T22:18:00.002+08:00

have hope have hope
don't bail don't bail
press on press on
the shimmer in the mirror is the only obstacle left
mount it and fly
yes yes yes you can!

COM472

2010-04-05T21:15:00.001+08:00

come on, brain.

WORK

why you still awake when tomorrow's an especially long day

2010-04-05T01:55:00.001+08:00

a tale of two cities

2010-04-02T23:07:00.001+08:00

singapore
"they put the treatment lotion on, then steamed my hair"

snowman land
"they put the medicine on my hair then they smoked my head"

ten times love.

sporadic; weekly word cloud

2010-04-01T02:08:00.003+08:00

boo ghee
never social dance salsa in short tight dress before i hope i don't explode like yi ge ba zhang bomb

cloth on body powder on face
nothing till thailand nothing till thailand but tracyeinny got sale at the shop and i really, really, really like the cropped biege blazer. throw nuts at me i am spendthrift monkey.

genocide museum (1)
how to say, all this debating intellect wafts like stench when recalling the palpable chill in each chamber.

genocide museum (2)
inability to distance self onto philosophical pedestal makes for intellectual degradation and emotional excess.

kelly clarkson
just walk away