冬天来了

spare me this world of a longing
spare me solace from this woe
a silent dance twirled in joy,

as real as a dandelion's smile
and as transient as a lover's kiss

winter has come
and you left
the music begins
and i weep

grant me, another dance
grant me, an other dance

with all my heart

sweet dreams are made of these;

and who am i, to disagree?

some of them want to use you
some of them want to be used by you

some of them want to abuse you
some of them want to be abused

thematic concerns

and here we go for the hundredth time
breathing in the sunshine
going out of my fucking mind
i am only always truly thine

tonight's bachata competition in upper club at chijmes was another night of crazyass densing fun.

maybe after all these do not matter because you are you are my constant amidst my tendrils of transgressions

(maybe i am living the life i want to live the life my mother does and did because
maybe this way maybe someday i will no longer hate you, my beautiful bloom of sin)

this is what separates us keeps you from me and me from you
this is my silent singing sin.

anna molly, anna molly
anna molly
anomaly

come, come, come into my world

love me? love me.
love, me

note to self

your heart is hardened, don't pretend otherwise.
nobody gives a shit about your sob story nor your reasons.
you are a sinner and you can't bring yourself to forgive
therefore you don't deserve to be forgiven either.

your heart is hardened, so don't pretend otherwise.
fuck off into the cynical street.
stop trying to fit into cottoncandy land.

your heart is hardened, so don't pretend otherwise.

kabhi khushi kabhie gham

sometimes joy, sometimes sorrow
"It is all about loving your parents"

the moment i read the tagline for the film scheduled today in lecture, the sinking feeling returned.
and the pit hardened into a rock when i read the blog post about a son's pain for his mother who fractured her wrist.

and i am again reminded that my proximity to you is but a farce
for what separates us is more than a back turned, it is a handful of tears
the handful of tears i will carry with me as long as i breathe.


mama,
this night will be another when i cry myself to sleep because of you.

"meihui, next time grow up you must take care of me you know?"

"of course la mama, i will buy a BIGG BIGG house for you and papa to stay in ok! then we go around the world!"


"mama, why don't you and papa sleep together one ah? all my friends say their parents sleep together one you know"

"aiya, you go and ask your papa la."

"why can't you tell me? just tell me la i promise i don't tell huimin and boyboy. hook little fingers!"

"AIYA. go and ask your papa la. don't disturb me go go"


let me tell you a fucking funny story.
a jc2 girl was really happy because she just talked to her crush
and she went home and saw her beloved father looking dejected sitting at the kitchen table.
she went to hug him and ask him what was wrong,
he turned and had tears in his eyes.
that was the night he told his 3 children the truth
that was the night she punched the wall until she bled and punched some more
that was the night she walked the streets with bleeding hands
that was the night she lost all strength and squatted alongside the road
that was the night she squatted on the sidewalk and screamed her heart out
that was the night she cried her heart out, until there was little of it left
that was the night she cried her heart out.

somebody cue the laughter please, let's all laugh.
HAHAHAHAHHA
i'm so sorry, i think it is just so FUCKING FUNNY.
a fractured wrist.
a film about parental love.
a funny story.
ISN'T IT SO FUCKING HILARIOUS??????

I THINK SO.

DO YOU???? :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

after this ballet we will die our beautiful death;

today i bought 2 new dresses and went to enhui's blog and heard this song

and suddenly i want to wear all my clothes at once and inhale their pungent cottony aura and grab their edges and hold the fraying ends close to my heart;

and suddenly i want to strip and don only my dreams and whims and
twirl again, and run again, dance again and jump again
let it be a promise. that after this misty morning and wistful song

that after this ballet of a music of a long-
ing gaze, we will die our beautiful death;
alongside and apart