auld lang syne, my dears

seriously, we all look older. all of us.

well, imma spend nye alone forlorn so decided to at least dress up my nails and wear a nice skirt tmr and sit at esplanade to write something insightful and short to usher in 2011.

althought i gotta say the itch in both eyes is rather distracting and hardly glamourous or attractive. in novels the protagonist never has inexplicable rash growing from her eyes like mold, ever.

life sucks/

ok gimme 5, time for 2nd coat of red for nails

wah it went on quite nicely if i do say so myself (usually it's about now when something chips immediately. jinx.)

(eh don't have. yay!)

so yea. resolutions. isn't it funny how each year passes with increasing speed and decreasing significance? like, 2010 is gonna be over in one fucking day. what the fuck. i have barely wrapped my immense head around the fact of my matriculation, for goodness's sake, and now the year of my graduation is over?! you're kidding. no, no, you're Kidding.

they should have a class in primary school, called the time warp module. when you reach adulthood, time doesn't fly, it just evaporates immediately like the coke from your cup, and when you are asking for your rightful share everyone else begrudges you even when you obviously have gotten none at all. life is unfair, it is.

if you're wondering, yes i'm working tmr, the red rash from now fucking where finally decided to gimme a damn break and leave. oh am gee. but yea gotta do the nails. armour for the solitude and all that. i cannot believe my family just decided to forsake me. can. nobody to eat with on nye! for real!

-insert sob break-

resolutions. made enough to know that they never go through, not yet enough to stop making them (thanks goodness)

1. take a chill pill. for real. this year has seen me inexplicably and absolutely break down for no proper reason. bad.
2. up my game. writing and teaching will be primary rooms for improvement.
3. plan more things. after not 1, not 2, but yes, 3 sound scoldings from mingyang, june, and da bian respectively, i is gonna plan stuff. like, important stuff. seriously. really really.
4. choose things to plan. i will i will really really

i think enough liao. suddenly veh tired.

hahahhahah!

ok, honestly, the time spent apart from the people at office, in terms of being excluded and having this stupid rash right at the last week of work, is a humongous gigantuous opportunity for me to improve and learn to be a better person. i'm wise enough at least to see that. and honestly, it is terrifying to know that it is not a given that i will triumph this, because anxiety and paranoia are my best friends after michelle. hais. and it is very important to have faith and hold hope and at the very least know that it is not the end of the world nor the biggest concern so i must be better.

k la k la nag nag nag. i shld sleep. why is it tht every year i wanna pen a kickass, well-crafted entry to welcome a fantastic year and every year it's just rambling bullshit like this. not poetic at all. okokokok cause i neh plan okokok i nose i nosee

lubs yew veh muchhh

bare

walk on fiery stones before the hallowed grounds

boyboy's facebook status is: Will you be proud of me if you're still around ? I miss you .

the wisdom of youth

here is a conversation with the brother.

boy: eh jie your eyes better not
me: yea better ah why leh
boy: i see
me: (looks at brother)
boy: hahaha look like kena beat sia
me: hahahah whatever
boy: why liddat ah
me: duno leh maybe cause rub too much loh. these few days i keep rubbing my eyes
boy: you angry issit
me: angry for what
boy: angry with yourself la. then rub your eyes. not good leh.

in lieu of tears, eyedrops

here is a conversation with the mister.

b: hello?
my: hello!
b: hello!
my: hwere are u?
b: just went to starbucks to get coffee loh, walking home now
my: u ok not?
b: ya, why leh?
my: your message
b: orh. ya loh ya loh. aiya duno la (in retrospect, what the fuck does this line even mean)
my: hmmm. did something happen?
b: nothing la, nothing happend
my: work is it?
b: ya loh, work loh, same loh haha
my: did anything happen? (by this time if i were u ah dear i would have killed me. hahaha)
b: nothing la nothing happend (omfg)
my: hmmm, then?
b: just the same things loh, i keep thinking and thiking leh. i think i'm crazy
my: huh? why?
b: just keep thinking loh, wah they hate me la, i'm so dislikeable, then everything everything
my: erm. but did anything happen to make u feel this way?
b: no leh. just me. i'm just mad and paranoid
my: aiyo then u take a chill pill la!
b: i also know! but cannot leh! why ah? actually i'm quite funny one what, and okay one, why suddenly liddat
my: hahahahahaha
b: i duno leh. hais keep thinking and thinking like wah today i never do fast enough but then i stop myelf cause that time do too fast also not good but then keep thinking wah they must be saying why i so slow
my: ok stop. stop! u're buying coffee and walking home and talking to me can u just chill!!
b: orh. ok. i try. but hor i keep thinking later-
my: shut up!!
b: orh.
my: just shut up, and stop thinking. stop thinking! what's wrong with you! just stop thinking!
b: orh. ok. ok.

oh my god. how repulsive am i when paranoid, really.
quite funny. hahahahhahahha
haiyah mai emo la fuck

contentment, that elusive joy

why do you hate me?
because you are dislikeable and hateful and everyone can see that

why don't you respect me?
because you are so fucking lazy it isn't even remotely funny

why can't i just get a grip?
because you are narcissistic and paranoid and immature and ignorant and unwise

why have i not improved?
because you are asking the wrong questions. anyone with half a mind would ask how, not why. navel-gazing fool. get a fucking grip or a fucking religion. or just get fucked. for real. you might lighten up then, if only slightly.

#hates

nothing more humanising

than inexplicable red eyelids. i look like been punched at strategically symmetrical spots of my eyes, or the closest i'll ever be the faye wong. seriously, i'd rather read sandman than go clubbing tonight, but social roles.. ay.

rather be an alien

one kind of a fucking poor

but quite liberating leh. got some kind of nonchalant disdain at everything. so like i see something i like then i go, hmpf so nice but i cannot afford. phish. haha!

but waiting for pay. many things to buy.

#girlsaresofuckingconfusing

in other news

electronic pop is really rather hypnotic.

meet me in electronic dreams

it has been quite an exhilarating weekend.

and all is manageable, and i want to live up to minimal, manageable expectations
at the very least, to be sane and normal as far as possible, it is what i want to remain as.

the years of feigning insanity has finally encroached upon the essential rationality, and that has to stop because i sincerely wish to live an okay life and to bring joy to others as they have done to me. and they have, this is true and this is the braid of hope i cling on to.

there is no reason for any anxiety, or at least there is no need for this fear because even if this ground gives way the next level is in all honesty not that far down. and through all times there are people who love me. i know that. i cannot forget that because i would be taking them for granted again and i do not wish to do that, or to let them down.

this resolve must stay. i will be better.

consequence, act 2 scene 1

alone in the office
enough to blog this. :)
and type this line
and this line
and this line
and this line
and this line
this morning when i was putting make-up on my chair landed on my fourth right toe and scraped the skin off, i screamed fuck and it was quite painful and carrie could pick me up so i put mascara too since i would be carolling after and more paint on face is thicker shield for stupid heart so anyways when i reached office

yea. you get the gist.

scream in your head!

1. my colleagues have been pointing out the groundless anxieties and needless paranoia

2. guess nobody noticed the late nights since they're spent offline

3. the perpetual insomnia spent rereading old texts and typing and deleting new ones

4. caution! rush hour on the train is insaner than ever!

5. losing grip on self-assurance.

6. well, it could only go up from here, right?

7. settling. soon.

8. whatever you seek is already within yourself.

9. is anything ever truly true?

10. 2010.