many a strange thing

perhaps what i miss is a fragmented recollection, its pieces so disparate that each act of rememberance is in essence the spinning of another tale.

each act of rememberance is in essence an attempt to beautify existence.

it was nothing short of trembling pain to watch the latin people. biggest mistake to have went there without sufficient guard, and it did not help that catherine recognised me, as did william.

all this unspoken tugs at your heart i hope you feel, i will not be the everyday companion because that is mundane, i can live the poetic truth with you. that void of monotony (reality) - what is cherished is always what did not conform.

this choreography of truth. each move a chord of pain struck. and there i thought i would; could, transform the teacup turmoil into a moving display and there i ended up with a mental block.

standing amidst the moving bodies, moving on without me. and i stood stockstill and whirled round, round, trying frantically to decipher the suddenly unfamiliar movements - and failed anyway.

this memory and the others i will keep and the wounds i will fester. for each sorrow and each gloom beautifies the prose and the dance.

countdown

4. the pieces of my heart i gave or dropped along the way
3. help to people who need it
2. more money and more wisdom to know where to spend it
1. health and happiness to all my loves and my loves' loves

the chinese fan dance i did in deep slumber

the rice vermicelli that boyboy cooked for me, mama taught him when she still came home, late at night. each mouthful was steeped in her smell and laced with her sorrow.


"why got this 24 thousand dollars thing again, we must pay ah?"

"i don't know. that time i thought i settled it already. they say if within 7 days we don't pay they will sue us."

"monday then call loh"

"this will never end la..."

"never mind la. forget it. i thought about it already, at most they want my life i got one, if they want it they can have it."


mama please stop crying, i can't stand the sound
your pain
is painful. and it's
pulling me down
:family portrait
pink

wheel of fortune, and each option is outlined in irony, anger, blame and debt, highlighted with unfounded and unflinching love.

some of the oldest ginger

the torment of raising my hand to ask for time because i forgot the choreography (for the third time) is almost delectable. the following train ride home saw my hair smoking and my ass melting the seat.

primary school is loves, koh teck ming and tee kian seng on the way home, the roots are alive again, always nice to see old friends.

and christmas cards from step and shell i could recognise them from their handwriting. is loves i love you for loving me, love.

"(the) above sticker is to make you HAPPIER =)"

mingyang's 22nd birthday

"i read the first 2 paragraphs then i was damn happy, i wanted to tell you how happy i am the moment i wake up today because it is my birthday i thought it was a surprise.."

"i see other girlfriends talk about their boyfriends on their blogs i'm very happy... why don't you ever talk about me? i don't treat you good enough is it?"

the dear is cuteness la.

HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY LOVES
loves. (:

i slip softly through, your slim fingers

feeling traces. i embrace this
feeling that lingers
(oh that lingers, that lingers)

HAIYAH junejune is in the house and she is bloody noisy forgot what i was going to say alr. and june BUY ME THE DRESS WHEN YOU GET YOUR PAY LA
K LA BYE LA BYE LA

the odd oddity

i read your blog and yours oh yours too, to see if there is a part of me there, is a part of there about me, is there some definable joy to be extracted from others' perceptions of the person i see when i brush my teeth everyday.

what would it be to live in a world where hearts are woven onto sleeves, and we all forgo the disconcertingly comforting inane small talk, instead screaming with our eyes squeezed shut and facing planes plants or persons "i am entangled in a nonexistent recollection!"; "i need some practical surreality, or befuddling truth!"

"oh it is wrong, how i do love you so!"

banalities

as i leave you
i disintegrate beautifully
:faye wong

salsa camp was short, muddy, a touch scandalous, altogether sultry and sneezy.

my inability to be a good follow continues to be a pain, made literal too last night when my lips got whacked by a not-very-thin elbow becuase i failed to get the cue to turn. lady's styling class was quite fun, a touch scandalousness. i still miss latin quite a bit, but without my dance partner who i will always see as hanming, i find it rather challenging to pick it up again.

spent a good bit of last night trying to fall asleep to disgusting failure even with the screaming muscles and creaking joints, the little voice kept singing and saying secret little things that should be shushed, ended up rolling myself up into the blanket like an onversized popiah.

if the solitary figure onstage stumbles and crumbles and regains enough momentary balance to present you with the most disturbing, arousing, subtle dance you have ever experienced and your lover's hand is in yours, could you would you should you acknowledge the lingering aftertaste of it that twists incessantly in your mouth?

not that there is truth nor reality in my ramblings, they are after all random afternoon thoughts on a random afternoon of a random day.

i can paint the colour of your touch on my canvas of discrepancies

rainy days

the blind man singing is a familiar sight there is one at orchard another in tampines one at boon lay and one more at yishun.

today it is a rainy day one of many rainy days, today the blind man was at tampines mrt again. today like recent days his son sang while he beat the traditional drum.

today the blind man this particular in no way peculiar just another blind man he beat his way into my mind and his son's singing rang in my silent heart. as did they for the other many others congregated before them. feet kept dry while the duo drummed and hummed with wet feet, feet wet from another rainy day.

today it is a rainy day just like any other rainy day, today a boy sang some people's hearts away just like any other rainy, just like any other rainy day

annual

this is my new muse
each year every year there is another
pinprick of darkness that swells that grows
and i jump, and reach,
and i tug, and smile

this is my new muse
keep the hair on keep the forlon
sigh, because, this is how so it shall be
this is how so it shall be

keep the hair on
keep the forlon
run on, run on. if not for the danger
then for the solace from stupidity

less empty than it seems, it seems

so what if it is so so what so what so
this rhyme, this time, this fine thin line
we thread we tread weaving steps through memory's fabric
you are not the needle, you
you do not have say
you do not you do not have say

we took pictures with the huge bean at boon lay bus interchange

on my way back from tuition just now, i got a huge splat of birdshit on my right thigh. this is loves.

write and write and write unmoving on the chair frantically conjuring new compelling images and sounds and voices songs from the past they meld together they marry another they weave through each other they make you cry. i want to collect your tears, i write to make you cry. i cry to make you cry. i cry to make you cry.

the aya is not back the siewfang is somewhere the junejune is everywhere the chengs is nowhere. the enhui and cassie are ikea meatball fans. i chinese dance here and there i forget i know it not, i forget i know naught, i forget

the lilting song is my respite. a blanket of ignorance in reality's sweltering heat

jasleen

i want to own that runway too.
SHUSH

we will walk past each other and fight for the envy
we will strut the style of fashion and the awe of personality
we will command the world for that few moments
we will wow, we will. we will.

junejune is my loves and my supermodel powerwoman bestest zzpy.
i want to deserve to be her supermodel too, i want to deserve my walk, i want to deserve that look, i want to deserve your gaze. your momentary envy.

this fierceness i embrace the ecstacy i crave
your admiration i demand.

you lose the memories, like unrendered effects

while each wispy trail of taste lingers like a disturbing aftertaste.

脸: 王菲
呼吸是你的脸
你曲线在蔓延
不断演变那海岸线
长出了最哀艳的水仙

最好没有人会明白我说什么
只有你听懂我想什么


countenance: faye wong
i breathe your countenance
your silhouette it is contagious
the horizon of the sea is weaved thus - ceaselessly
therefore it be, the painful love of the water deities

let no one know my words
and you, only you shall discern what i think


good chinese song lyrics are the most painfully poignant, the thousand thin layers of intricate symbolism can tear all my walls down and ground them to dust,
sprinkle them back on me like sparkles in the world i dream of

daily rundown

today i went to chinatown for an interview with the united artistes network person. xunhe is in the same company but i don't like her portfolio pictures they took for her, the cleo ones are much better and she took them after the photoshoot, so no 368 is definitely not worth it.

dreams of stardom with stars in the eyes blind them to the fact that the sky is dark and only dark.

ten tons of makeup and ten tons of guts. there is really nothing astoundingly humiliating or frightening, really, just the subtle reminder of what might and would have been if only, if only, just only, because of fleshy fleshy fleshy flesh flesh.

ah. wells. love puns, do you, you do.

simultaneity

"oh, i thought you are working now."

"haha, not yet, i'm still studying in university."

"ah i see i see... you must study hard ah, your father works very hard, hen xing ku"

"yes i will. i know."

"ya. you see father and mother also him, very xing ku de."

----

"did you know those rowers"

"Nope. I just read about it. Just got back from vietnam."

"ok. the news is really saddening. take care of yourself."

----

"actually your aunt wanted to pay for all of us to go to malaysia with them."

"huh? why?"

"cause she know papa no money mah."

"oh. but i'd prefer if we go by ourselves too. papa?"

"ya?"

"would you like to go overseas?"

"no la."

"why?"

"must settle this house first, no where got mood to go overseas."

"is it true we can only stay here until march?"

"must see how the lawsuit goes la. i talk to the mp already, they will help us one."

----

"ya, the mother didn't want the child. very sad la, i hate that mother."

"aiya, must see what. everyone has their own story, cannot just judge by the surface."

"you know the girl is only about 4 years old, her whole body is covered with cigarette marks and scars, her father beat until her leg fractured, the scars will not fade one that kind you know. now he's in jail. he better stay there for 10 years."

"ok that's really sad... how is she?"

"at first she damn scared of males, don't let anyone touch her also."

"understandable la. now leh"

"now she always likes people to hug her. we all hug her loh, those not her nurse also hug her. because nobody else hugs her."

----

mind maelstrom

there is no planned cessation of this pink-nail frivolity
when it chips, as it chipped, it is cut, as it was cut. true and through
through and true

this is what i wanted, this is what i want,
a life of loves. no more thoughts
there is no irony
there is no depth
there is no thought
there is no pain
there is no blame
all is love, love is all, love is all

if it has to take the pinpoints of truth and pain further away from this precipice
i will try my best to keep you in sight
but the anchor that will pull me down, down
it is tightening tightening dear
so i will keep my spot here, atop this cliff
look up and imagine that this airless air is my freedom of a freedom

and when my ghosts from the past they come
i will dance with them into the void of silence
where all pains cease. all tales end

i would just like to say that the song frightens me

just because i am listening to it with earphones to shut out the strains of project runway on the television.

and i, here, writing notes and tearing paper, with pink nails as my sunshine in the night. today i will face the sunshine and i will not know the shadows behind me and i will give this sunshine to you you and you. if i see you glad then i feel joy too.

today onwards i will be sad for the simple and shallow reasons. so today onwards whenever i am sad i can easily be made happy again.

i am sad that i cannot watch project runway, i am sad sad sad. so sad, so sad this sad song, so sad this tune. it's a sad sad situation.

sad.sad.
like a tic on the face, a facial sadness tic.
sad sad sad sad sad
sad. is. tic

scream my lungs out to try and get to you

a heartwrenching reaction peculiar to rock songs. when the oceans of turmoil are released in an instant (it seems the dam has disappeared)

YOU ARE MY ONLY ONE
MY ONLY ONE
MY ONLY ONE
MY ONLY ONE
YOU ARE MY ONLY
MY ONLY ONE
:only one - yellowcard

if i were beautiful, i would feel more intricacies, more poignance, more truth.

we are walking this thin line of trepidation and exhilaration and are you sure you want safe joy? because i am not so decided anymore.

i no wan study i no wan no wan!

i just realised the titles for the posts in the right-hand navigation form a coherent narrative.

fashion nation, ration creation: meshes of the afternoon, lifted, when the insides churn from swallowing.

aiya aya, titanic? tell me what to believe from the truth of a thousand lies. bring your flowered hat; all the questions of the world i leave behind.

antiquity (a mad man's misery) car crashes lead remnants of tai chi.

fashion nation ration creation

just browsing through the usual pictures of the usual, phenomenal dressers in facehunter.blogspot.com (and fuck the bad reviews, i'm all up for draping my toy-soldier blanket around my neck if it makes the outfit.) (yes, the pink and drool-stained one.)

(yes, i still sleep with it every night.)

so anyway, i stumbled on a couple of other street fashion blogs, only these are from good old homeland. my country my homeland and all that jazz, yes i know. it is astounding to see good dressers in numbers! not fractions! i assume my taste is the good one but narcissism keeps you alive, trust me i know.

do check out wayw.sg and theclothesproject.blogspot.com
i pretended i didn't see the few bad attires, somehow the i-am-anime thing, i cannot figure. i cannot.

this is loves. suddenly, maybe, i wear my prom dress to ang mo kio tomorrow!

meshes of the afternoon

"I am addressing myself not to any particular group but to a special area and definite faculty in every or any man - to the part of them that creates myths, invents divination and ponders, for no practical purpose whatsoever, on the nature of things.

"The important truth is a poetic one."

Maya Deren
1917-1961

lifted

i know the price, or think i do, and i am not afraid to be alone, or to explore the future, but i am afraid to sacrifice the present.

:sofia

when the insides churn from swallowing

..inside I am becoming ashamed. I am ashamed because she is ashamed. Because she is my daughter and I am proud of her, and I am her mother but she is not proud of me.
:the joy luck club - amy tan

aiya aya

you damn cute. it is really nice to read about the dreams people live over there, i hope we can have that here too. maybe one day we can all see the dandelions between the concrete slabs we trod on day in and day out, yes.

and the whispers of smiles will fly wide and fly high.

my exams end on 22nd nov, and you were right, i've just picked up the first 4 steps of salsa and you're going to be back already!

:D

titanic

"this is crazy. it doesn't make sense!"

"i know. that's why i trust it"

tell me what to believe

conspiracies:
and mysteries:
science fiction:
make-believe:
a mad guy's misery


mind is imploding with theories and heart is exploding with theories
what does it matter, really?

from the truth of a thousand lies

i bleed it out just to throw it away,
just to throw it away,
just to throw it away
i bleed it out
:bleed it out - linkin park


AS I WAS GOING UP THE STAIR I SAW A MAN THAT WASN'T THERE
I SAW THAT MAN AGAIN TODAY
I WISH THAT HE WOULD GO AWAY
THAT HE WOULD GO AWAY
THAT HE WOULD GO AWAY
THAT HE WOULD GO AWAY
I WISH THAT MAN WOULD GO AWAY

bring your flowered hat

i cannot wait to dance. there is salsa camp there is clubbing there is the tingling tango i dance on the way to the bathroom from the stairs. onetwo fling your head! onetwo flash a smile!

all the questions of the world i leave behind

i'm going nowhere and i'm going to take my time
:waiting on the sun - sixpence none the richer

there a a few things that i mouth to your retreating figure, even though
i always make sure i am the one who walks away first. this lets me believe that i am the strong one. i made the choice to leave, it was my choice to make.

today, like always, i clicked on you and (re)read your unchanged alias. today, as always, i told myself i would be silent this time, i would not unleash my insanity on you.

today, as always, i failed.

i keep your window open and i imagine you are really talking to me in your heart as i am, though i have to say, i do not know what to say to you, i do not know who i am when i feel as the way i do.

there is a whole world out there, and i have many selves running about. when they collide, i hope i am not there to see the hilarious tragedy.

it is really, easy. just tell me to fuck the bloody hell off, or tell me you love me and always will as i do and don't. sense is just another social construct, care less for it i can not.

this will be my carousel
you will be my wonderwall
i will be your inextricable inconvenience
and we will be a silent fairytale
;not told. never heard. and always, always true

i'm shut out and shut in
everytime i reach out and reach in
so could you reach down and pull me out
(or am i just too far gone to be saved?)
:too far gone - sixpence none the richer

antiquity

a celestial voice sings from my laptop
a blood clot in my pad, soft red jelly
the shade of rouge that courtesans kiss
snow angels and sand castles, this song of a dream
i dance for you, so please love me

i walked backwards three laps at the stadium
(i saw you then, before)
and time backtracked, i know because i felt that overwhelming
wind of woe again
but there was no you,
but there was no you,
but there was no you, there was no you

a mad man's misery

nobody should be caring about this jibe or that stare or the competition, really. no really.

in 50 years time, all these would not matter, so they should not matter now, why not just concentrate on picking up more starfish to return to the sea, more sand for your castle, more smiles for the future (hell we all need it)

what does it matter, really, car crashes and love stories, you cry and cry and they rant and rant and there is always nothing worthwhile left behind.

dream, dreamers, dreamers dream, dream,

car crashes

my laptop crashed. on. me.

allow me to air the tragic(ally pathetic) tale.
it was 1:20pm. there was an email to send to my primary school for a $5 discount on an upcoming alumni gathering.
by 1:30pm everyday, all the nice dishes at the nearby coffeeshop's cai fan store would run out.
i had pressed the switch on button on my laptop.
the cai will be finished.
i did an "illegal shutdown".
tada my laptop crashed and this is the supermassively idiotic reason for the loss of all my documents from the cherished odac video to the audition template pictures to the deviantart downloads to the notes for the exams which are in FOUR DAYS

yes yes, pathetic individual yes is i

lead

A display of stupidity yesterday rendered a Communication Studies undergraduate speechless.

Speaking after a briefing on "What Not To Say To The Ex", Nanyang Technological University student Cordelia Shirley said she learnt all she knew from personal experience.

"There is nothing so enlightening as your own disaster," the 20-year-old said, "I used to think I was really smart and deep, but the sheer number of stupid things I have said just do not support that."

The workshop, which will be held over the next week, teaches how to keep silent when there is nothing intelligent to be said, to prevent marring a possibly already marred impression.

"When you feel stupid, the only rational thing to do is keep a good hold on your mouth," Ms Shirley said, "running into the wall after saying something exceedingly stupid only makes yourself feel marginally better."

"It does not erase your immense irretractable idiocy."

remnants of tai chi

every once in a while, the town council fogs the rubbish chute. so basically they pump (i assume) insecticide and detergent and whatever-that-kills-or-cleans-or-both fumes down the entire stretch of the common rubbish chute.

the first thing i saw when i got back were 2 dead cockroaches bellies up in the balcony. situated a few cool feets apart, i think they were having a dispute and so decided to die some distance from the other. and the thing is, they are not run of the mill cockroaches, the kind that my friendly neighbours deign to sweep extremely graciously to my part of the corridor. and yes, i returned the favour, i wuv yoo twos.

so after deliberating for all of two nanoseconds, i decided i had zero guts to approach either dead cockroach, and went to do the dishes. and home alone, the only light being the one in the kitchen, voila, enter chinese instrumental music.

of course i was frightened for like a few moments, but strangely i began to just enjoy the music. firstly, it was not the funeral one, and i really have only ever heard one version, and secondly, i think the sight of the lizards. eh. cockroach. eh. cockroaches. threw me off balance a little (point proven). so i continued doing the dishes, la di la, went out and into the living room (where we do our living. the kitchen is where we keep the kitsch. clara's screaming is love) and opened the curtains.

there, across at eye level on the top level of the multi-storey carpark, was the source of the chinese instrumental music. a group of elderly, some practising tai chi, some doing the fan dance, calmly continued their activites while i just Stood. And. Gawked.

the sight was just bewildering. and my memory kind of blacked out for a few minutes.

being alone in places has never really been easy for me, nor pouring out my heart (though verbal diarrhea inadvertently results in over-exposure of the self, i realise), but tonight was...different. the chinese music was calming, a refreshing change from what i usually listen to. that being said, i still remember how much i wanted to learn the gu zheng at changkat cc near my home, and my father refused. so i took to peeking through the window after my tuition classes, which were held just beside the gu zheng classroom. and they were on the uppermost level of the community centre too. ah, reminiscence.

but please, no uncles who trail mucus onto the mrt floor and stamp on it. gosh. talk about trauma.

america's next top model. the dreams in dreaming, but the beauty of joy. ah..

my love, my reprieve

old school jazz is love, is black liner and red rouge and long gazes and kisses to the mirror

amado mio, love me forever
and let forever
begin, tonight
:amado mio - doris fisher & allan roberts

the song is such a recognisably bachata song that it is excrutiatingly bittersweet to wrench my mind off dance for a while, picture twirling into the sunset again. my umbrella, that long skirt, this beautiful day, and maybe a touch of you -

dang. haha

four theories of the press: authoritarian, libertarian, social responsibility, soviet-totalitarian. in moments like these, i remember how i am and how i live, and how i live, thus how i am.

this swaying inside of me is threatening to overspill, i almost think i would want to dance with you, let us sway, let us say, this shall stay

(and let forever, begin, tonight)

lifted

"Forget 377A. Do you know what is 377B?

377B (2)- Sexual penetration with a living animal.
377B (4)- Causing another person to sexually penetrate a living animal or causing another person to be penetrated by a living animal.

Mind you, when they mention living animal, they are referring to a living animal.

Very thoughtful law-setters, indeed."


:chengs

25 minutes

the person from singapore compact (corporate social responsiblity) is so not returning my calls nor my messages.

the weather rocks socks and i'm sitting at the benches with a bloated stomach. the only sunshine i am getting is the reflected sun beams erwin constructed because wonderful bee hwee is guarding the worldly possessions of, oh, only 10 busy people.

wonderous totaliness.

"i've never seen such a lovely queen
from the skies above, to the deepest love
i've never felt crazy like this before"
:paint my love - mltr

my insanity is on repeat play; run along now, my love/d
run along

delusional

pulled in so many directions that i shall break

let's salsa.

"jesus loves you

is the feeling mutual?"

is the sticker on the mac infront of my face right here right now.

Hell, NO.

epistemology is the way with which we come to believe what we do, and there has to be a euphemism for disillusionary determination somewhere. seriously.

the truth always lies in subtlety, and that which screams in your face can be but another facade of depth, another mockery to the genuine.

precision of oxymorons

it is cold in the library, but it is noisy outside, and therefore i slide slowly down to silence. peace

the journal article on singapore cinema is stunningly full of oxymorons. the locality of foreignness, the articulation of hidden meanings, subtle defiance, counter preoccupation. unfold me i am small

cs people are chock full of regrets. woe'r'us

the other blog is so full of the weili i cannot stand it anymore. ah, red nails free me, free me red nails, free red nails on me. there is no sky and there is no earth but, still, snowflakes fall.

colour me white

"LOTS OF HUGS AND KISSES!!!!"

and amidst the rubble of any notion of the self,
and underneath the immensity of society and its necessary flaws
my hand is held for awhile; even as i stamp and proclaim i need it not
and i thank you

illustrate

illustration


the library send board sends postcards when borrowed books have been overdue for 2 weeks

"i'm walking on clouds, of white. what if i fall;
what if i don't?"
:citadel - anna nalick

i remember you and i remember and i remember i remember you
i remember you, do you remember me? there were sparkles of sunshine,
all full of joy, hope, each as excruciatingly uplifting as the next.
now there is almost nothing and i am holding on by a thread

i look at people and i don't see them i am too busy holding in sneezes
i held my hand to feel if it was nice to hold, to see if anyone would ever love me
i hold my breath when i walk past fruit stalls
i stare transfixed at fashion shows i can never be one of them i know

i do actually know that not everything is about me, that nothing is about me
it is just that i do not know what to say, i do not actually even know what to say.

all is well: lines

no anger
no pain
no tears
no shame
no envy
no chains
no blame
no stains

a garden of blooms

my world,
my world it mocks me and i sing

my friend,
my friend she disgusts me and i apologise

my limbs,
my limbs they betray me and i learn salsa

my mind,
my mind it leaves me and i laugh

my heart,
my heart it pains me and i love, i love,
my heart it pains me and i love

joel

jole.


"the tornado inside will just blow you away"
i forgot i said that, chengs.
jane is nice. weiwei is funny. chengs is retarded.
many loves

my heart is broken

i'm lying here
my thoughts are choking, on you
my dear
on you my dear
on you my dear


mama, if you knew this was how it would be
would you do the same? would you do the same?

cause now when i'm around you
i don't feel.

angsty avril

i cannot find a way to describe it i wish
that it would just go away


my maternal grandmother refuses to sign the contract to sell the house to us.
my maternal uncle told my sister if my father wants to buy the house from them he has to go and ask my maternal grandmother in person.

and yes, we all know what happens in such scenes
and yes, we all know what your intention is
and yes, we want to continue staying here
but yes, we are so much more than this
so much more than you. so much more than you
so yes, fuck you and fuck you
if karma exists, i would die to watch you feel it

flight

fright

papa don't preach

papa, i know.
i know everything

i love ironies

freedom. beauty. truth. love.

There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little shy and sad of eye
But very wise was he

And then one day
A magic day
he passed my way
And while we spoke
of many things
Fools and kings
This he said to me

"The greatest thing
you'll ever learn
Is just to love
and be loved in return"

surely,

there can be so much more than this
there is so much more to life. than just this

your imperfections make you complete;
to me, you are perfect because of them.
divine, immortal, beauty

goodnight moon,
goodnight stars,
goodnight loves,
goodnight rabbit, goodnight bat,
goodnight angels, goodnight child,
goodnight moon,
goodnight nobody
goodnight.

it's the end of the world

with a sore throat and flyaway head and a 120thousand debt riding on my mind i really think things cannot be any worse.

karma is true.

oh well i'll deal. life's for living and all that jazz. ha. loveloves i guess

unintentionals

i cannot decide if i would rather things stayed the way they always had, average and nondescript and mundane and just normal.

now, with that fleeting moment of joyous flight, i come tumbling down alone through the whistling air while you shall fly on to places further than i have ever been. and thus i lose sight of you because i cannot imagine us together as i always do, because at least thus far you have been far away but to where i have been.

and thus i lose sight of you, as we talk now and i smile at you, i lose sight of you even now, as we talk now and i smile at you and i imagine yet another time that you smile at me, i lose sight of you even now.

already, i feel the heartache

to the depths of heights we shall fall

sing
Jul. 26th, 2007 | 10:58 am

I am ill. The head's burning and spinning like mad and I am going to puke my heart out.

Dearest 'Forever Young',

I don't want to celebrate the day, too.
I was thinking, and hoping, that we'll age gracefully, together. We'll be friends forever. I'll be there if you need anything, anything at all, and I know you'll be there to sing a song for me. We can be everything we want to be, we can have everything we want and need.

We'll be friends forever, and you'll invite me to perform at your wedding (i'll be your kickass wedding singer). I'll be your children's Godmum (though I think kids are irritants), and we'll live a ripe old age, age gracefully (i'll get the tattoos erased before the skin starts sagging).

We'll be friends forever, and when there's nobody you know there's always me.

Kudos to the things that we can't change, cheerios to everlasting friendship, love, hope and spasticism.

I love you all!


p.s.
I cant dense with you ah Chngs, alcohol addiction killssss.

pet muse

i remember now how your house has a piano, and how i played it in hope of getting your attention. i remember the cornflakes and you chopping onions for lunch.

i remember your room.

i remember your sheepish smile and unintended blush that was the most endearing i had ever come across, i remember thinking that many times. i remember your maturity and dependability and i remember your silent strength and covert character. i remember your laugh, i remember your taunts. i cherished them alike.

i remember your running, the look on your face when you pushed yourself. i remember your cutting remarks. i remember feeling hurt enough to cry, once or twice. i remember you pushing my head. i remember the feel of my fingers in your hair for that one second. i remember my first look at you. i remember our first conversation, i remember your horoscope.

i remember feeling safe with you, even if you always laughed at me, made fun of me. i remember the trampoline and i remember you did not come out to watch me. i remember your guitar-playing, i remember the concentrated look on your face. i remember your sudden bursts of moving words, i remember looking up and facing your gaze, i remember your hurried turning away. i remember your subtleties, i remember them all even if they never existed

a thing for elevated ground

my feet are sore from dancing in heels, my ass is sore from shitting, my ears are sore from the pounding music that is still reverberating. life couldn't be better.

first of all, many sorries to my best friend miss cheang yit ling michelle, though she won't read this. i love you many and i apologise for not meeting you today cause my head is killing me. i promise i will hug you and give you much love and buy you a drink and sing you a song the next time we meet. i love you.

secondly, i have never danced so much and so long on a podium and zouk's platform is freaking high and only on a single sip of long island. yes only 1 sip of alcohol and i promptly go mad, fetch the mind doctors please. and i regretfully recall many moments when i try to attract attention. BA HA HA it is both nauseating and releasing.

OI CHENGS where are you. we go dense dense when you are back, i tell you it will be ten thousand times funner than it ever was. i love you too.

enhui, please stop me if i attempt to seduce anyone the next time we club, it is just embarrassing. i love you.

mingyang, get your fatass back to singapore NOW. like NOW THIS MOMENT. you love me.

:D

i still want to dance. i do not give a shit as to whether clubbing is considered cool or not i just want to dance and i want to watch people who enjoy dancing, dancing. this can be such a simple and wonderous totaliness world, we just dance dance our nights our woes our tears away, life doesn't get any better than this.

i think i like flirting, yayness to me! should i attempt any such slappable endeavours in your prescence pray give me a hug or something. cause we all need some loving. yay. shits to all the challenging deep debatable confusing frightening heavy thoughts, loves to dance and fluff and all things mindless. i love love love and i love. loves

forever young; i want to be

Forever Young.

things are going to get hell of a crazy come my 21st birthday. on second thoughts, maybe there really isn't anything to celebrate after all

maria, ave maria

in your scent, in your face, in your eyes (lies)

she always keeps a lookout for the telltale signs. not so much to avoid as to be prepared, though of late she finds the involuntary cringes have multiplied, almost exponentially, even when all is peaceful and joyous. because with every force, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

oh my darling, oh my darling
oh my darling clementine,
thou art lost and gone forever
dreadful sorry, clementine

Laguna, Inc.
Joel (pronounced as Jo-erl really quickly) didn't know the song because it formed part of his memory of his first meeting with Clementine at the beach house. "i have never seen such cold eyes before, they scared me."

it is falling apart it is always falling apart. funny how tears come with disgusting ease for so many things, just not when she is hurt, in pain. a mess. "come on, just pinch me really hard, i need to cry," she said to him then. "i can't, you won't be able to take it. i don't want you to like cry or something"

"du-uh, i need to, my eyes are so itchy they are killing me. come on just do it, you know i can take it!"

and she didn't, not even though his pinch was hard enough to leave a bruise for three days after.

sometimes, things were like a paper house. perfect, beautiful, intricately shaped and furnished and designed and decorated. then along comes a puff of breath not unlike a happy sigh, and all falls down again

NO WAY

essentially, all i am saying is Sorry, for that i am loved.

sordid sorrowful tales (tears) i cry them for you i cry them
for the astonishing normalcy of parasitical existence; yet i indulge
like a child. as a child.
unstopping, unforgiving, unthinking.

i love you chengs, i love you junejune, i love you cassie,
siewfang enhui and
i wish you away from me if i don't: when i don't

and all that i will do is scream and cry hysterically
to attempt an encompassment of the sheer depth of life
and i will hug each of your self and tremble with force and emotion
i will inhale your sorrow, your joy, your dreams, your faith
and take them all with me as i fall to my whispering death
and all you will feel is a touch of discomfort, a tinge of hunger

"all you do is cry"

you walk around and dance aloud
scream along to songs with undecipherable lines
hug friends, kiss people, deny another drink
totter on high heels and retch alone into friendly depths
refuse the narcissism, refuse the shame

spasms

i grasp at the rivulets of words that flow like tears; away from me, only upwards.

i would say i broke your heart, only i recognise it not as such:
to me, it's just filth

a new kind of friendship

and here i shall and here we shall, strew the broken hearts (what's left of them) all on the floor along our paths. like a satire of red riding hood, only slightly more disturbing

if you show me your broken heart and i'll show you mine;
can we be friends forever, and live just fine?

i promise i promise to you i'm not cruel
i promise that we shall never again pool
in rivers of tears and lakes of pain
just this time round i hope things are the same
i promise i promise to not laugh at you
at your non-pain, for mine alone is true.

my lover's lover - maggie o'farrell

'But, Lily,' she is saying, 'everyone has a past.'

'I know that,' Lily says.

'And the people who haven't aren't interesting enough to bother with.'

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as he begins to raise his voice
you lower yours

:how to save a life - the fray

dancing in the moonlight

i think it is just that i find it difficult to stomach that i am no longer able to do something because of a person who isn't worth it anyway, but ahwells. so i'm not going to do latin dancing anymore. as for any other cca, i guess we'll see.

i have red red nails now, bright opaque unquestionable red. i'm going back to modelling (if i can).

i have no idea what to do with my life and my left armpit itches failurefailure. failure.

armageddon

"there were a alot of end-of-the-world movies made around the period of 2000, it was supposed to be the end of mankind according to the Bible"

"really? you mean the world was supposed to end in 2000 if the Bible was correct?"

"ya"

"that means the Bible is incorrect la. then why are there still so many Christians?"

"i don't know. everyone needs to believe in something i guess. acknowledge the good and correct parts and ignore the rest"


i have a new way of gauging how important people are to me. not by the overused if-i-had-only-one-day-left-i-would-talk-to-you kind of bullcrap, but that if my shit is already tettering on overspill, whose blog i would still want to read (assuming we all have blogs and i know of them).
junejune, chengs, cassie, siewfang, enhui,
that's for now. the shit is going to fly, byebye loves

boom.

my head is imploding
keyboard keys they are noisy and nagging
the kid he was screaming and i i was fuming
expectations they are chanting chanting chanting
and my heart it is screaming. it is screaming
"Give me freedom!
Leave me be"

you and i

chengs is leaving i woke up and put on pretty eyeliner just to pass her the scratchy straw bag and black dress to bring to the u s of a but we are not meeting she said we are not!


please have a good time a fulfilling time and make my heartbreak worthwhile;
melancholic melodrama.


have a great trip, loves

inconsequentiality

it does not bother me it does not bother me.
nobody owes me anything, and anyway it is time i put less weight on familiarity anyway.
after all i did feel the drifting after all there is always a price to pay
after all nobody owes me anything
so please make me feel a little less let down

Falling Backwards - Marti Leimbach

I was waiting for something, but I did not know what, occupying my hands by tearing pieces off the legal pad, the bits I'd drawn on, into confetti. I thought about my mother, and that old, finger-pointing saying that the apple does not fall far from the tree.





*~
my new name is lea. hello

the seamstress

in mimicry of depth

where shallow is shame

and disguise mine, i shall

sweat as an adjective

have i ever mentioned? i heard, all the times you called. (and you and you and yes you) don't ask me why i did not pick up, i just didn't. i turned up the music and sang a little stronger instead

reading, reading for all i'm worth during a hard-earned break. others' words, pseudo-biographies. so many aspiring writers, so little time: all of us in pain and each as worthless to another as the next. tell me tell me tell me you love me even if you really do not, try to, try to, say you do, do.

save your words for the adorning of your self with beautiful clothes and beautiful friends all of them writhing bodies on the dance floor each of us as attractive as the next and thus invisible, amidst the sweat sweat as an adjective your eyes are drawn to the lone figure standing on the dance floor, still as a statue. head uplifted, eyes closed. a rapture of silence you are excluded from

envy, that profanity

green is the aura that surrounds my shrinking heart

why are you where i want to be
why am i here where i smile and make do
where i can only smile and make do
why, why, why

Middle Age: A Romance (Part 2)

"Owen, when did you build this? My God."

"Last winter. It came to me in a dream. Or, rather - you came to me in a dream. You suggested it." Owen smiled almost shyly. "You held out an orchid to me, and promised you'd return 'when the orchids bloom.' It was a dream that made me so happy, darling, though when I was awake I hadn't much to be happy about."

Middle Age: A Romance - Joyce Carol Oates

Of course, a sailboat on the Hudson River, there's always some measure of danger. What pleasure would there be in sailing, otherwise?

What pleasure in life, otherwise?

after all, what be a facade except that which falters from time to time, if only for laughter's sake;

altogether now: haha. ha, ha, ha

hello, you.

fuzzy recollections. maddening madness

were you mine? was i yours?

we never really did those shameful, shameful things together
they are not truths, i suppose.
they are not
they are not
they are not truths, i suppose -


and hands they fly to cover the ears
and eyes they squint shut till from them flow tears
and legs bundled closely to the heart
to remind the self all is fine, all is safe, all is junk.

define worth.

watched the play "Nothing" by cake theatrical productions with the chengs, synopsis is as follows -

See the laundry in the machine.
It goes round and round.
See your reflection in the glass
you are a great sad clown.
Hello Mister. Hello Miss.
Where are you off to now?
May I join you on your way
into the great abyss?
I won't say a single word
or get in your way
I'll just be a companion. Grey.
It will be a grand nothing day.
Say yes. Say.


Nothing is an intimate observation of love and death. Various characters, some obscure, some mundane, some elusive, in various situations under various circumstances connect, collide, and inch forward, moment to moment, beat by beat. Someone lives. Someone dies. Someone laughs. Someone cries. Nothing else.


i'm joining the golden point award nationwide writing competition for short stories and poems.
shall save the semblance of brain juice i have for those. fingers crossed. wish me luck`

scream out loud

diarrhea of ridiculous nonsense each night every night and i have
thus far
cried enough for a reservoir, do think i.
something is wrong tell me what tell me not
say i am fine say i am sane
say nothing say nothing say you love me
let me believe you love me for i am torn

i have fallen, i am torn will you take pity on me?
just for awhile, tolerate me in your arms at least for a little while more
(for i fear if you will not i shall fall, i shall fall, fall, fall, fall)

silent silence, i am rocking gently
gentle sways in the lonely calm i wrap myself in
i walked and time rewound, i was wrong all over again
have you have you i must have you
walked in a reverie of twisted love, silent hysteria of obssession
have you have you i must have you

what's in your head, in your head
zombie zombie zombie
:the cranberries

book breakfasts

a muted smile, a slight nod.
and pause -
sit, slowly, on purpose.
and pause -
periodic flipping of the fringe (away)
and pause -

"green skies, and blue clouds
they sang a tune of lilting peace
gave a smell of true love, sweet
caressed past pains and made them leave;
completed the picture of lie.
taste, feel touch - the irony"

A JOLT.

raised eyes, the world is frighteningly normal
and pause -
fleeting dreams, wishes, injustice
and pause -
inadequacy, heartache, haunting memories
and pause -
false pain. false hope

The End, With Love

same old theme since 1916

and the violence caused such silence
(we must be mistaken)

diluted, the red ink trickled streams
crimson tears of fading memories down the arms
i am unable for these few moments to forget.
forgive me, i cannot forget. i cannot.
for these few moments, to forget, i cannot

are you sure you would rather i smile at you?

painful people, people in pain
they fascinate me.

others, i prefer their perceived superiority.
derogatory despise.
or fresh fear, each of them. fresh fear.

worded tatoos

ink red lyrical stains."i woke up today
can't remember if i love you or not"

"now nobody is worth living for anymore"


each page i read, each step i take
each word i type, each smile i fake
i carry your words with me i carry you with me
laden by the beautiful tatoos inked with the waters of love beautiful they are
muting, muted, mute.

and it hurts inside. there, that same spot
but i hold silence, because maybe we are both right, you and i.
maybe i deserve it

i'm going under, i'm going under
i'm going under, drowning in you
i'm going under
:evanescence

intoxicated.

sidelong glances, spruced up sloppiness,

skinheads.


it is time to get dancing again
when the exams end, i shall
"go back to the dance floor and ignite some fire"
as quoted from mingyang. (go figure)


i will save you from unoriginal dum-dums
let me blow your mind.

sugar don't forget what you already know

crimson red the regret and hatred is
pretty pink the hues of joy and innocence are
garish green colours the silent envy unjustified jealousy
black are the memories, white are the recollections
black is the image
black is the guilt
black is the hatred
black black black
the smile stripped in an instant
i will return the snatched moments of freedom in time
in time, in time

so while i got a short attention span

the hype is nothing more than hooha so
i'm developing a language and i'm calling it my own
:geek in the pink - jason mraz

i've just read an utterly depressing blog entry about being in sci.
another (hello claire! if you are reading this) who talked about bustle bustling life!
so. do you like your university education thus far?

ahwells. no matter, keep the answer inside your flailing heart and attempt
as i do as we did as you wrote
to sing sing sing all this ridiculous nonsense that is reality sing it away

i'm going to watch "Nothing" by cake theatrical productions with the chengs.
CAN'T WAIT

my birthday is coming;
this year, i hope it will be free of tears.
just leave me be in my bubble of frantic smiles
will do. this will do.

it doesn't matter if you make sense

reader fatigue, disinterest, boredom, or plain eye soreness are some of the extremely satisfying answers you will get in response to your pleading voice asking why they did not finish your story why dearest why why?

the blinking text indicator on powerpoint makes me want to puke.

i want to watch "nothing" by cake. go with me somebody. i don't even know who i want to go with anymore. lit people then, but who? who's left? who's left who is true? who's left who's not blue? who's left that i see? who's left who doesn't flee?

so theatrical, you would almost revel in the daring motions. you would almost forgive the shame

collectivist typing

smaller fonts that make up shorter sentences that convey precise nuances.

nominal ordinal interval ratio
we will win we will wow we will want woes when we wail.



if you knew a secret
would you tell somebody
or would you keep silent, and
retain the sidelong glances till your eyes hurt
and the nagging hurt inside that refuses to die
because your heart it hears the truth scream
"the fault is yours! the fault is yours!"

unintended inadequacy

reading blogs to scrape any semblance of relation to self in terms of derogatory remarks and dismissive dislike has always been an inbuilt talent. you would think that with such a fantastic flair i would have done some incredible deed, won some random prize or medal kind of thing.

boyboy got 1st for 200m race in school, i love my siblings. they say the shittiest things about me to me and boyboy just did something akin to digging out a barely healing wound with a red-hot poker. read: ouch. ahwells still love him

there are many many good writers and people with incredible styles of self-expression in cs i realise, many many wonderful ideas and moving words. colour me invisible, or worse..

it takes a certain kind of warped narcissism to be able to view negativity in all others' eyes upon the self. or maybe it is the other kind that is warped, everyone else that is mistaken;
ah, of course. to let slip from the mind the invaluable art of self-deception, how abominable

of mysteries; of friends

all your cryptic sorrows
they silence me

ditch all else

as they do you


dance dance sing sing write
read read laugh sleep cry
i only want to do what i like
i only want to love you if you love me too
i want to ditch all them else
as have they me

prom

i will remember you

will you remember me

you have grown on to me;

and i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes off you
and i can't take my eyes off you
:the blower's daughter - damien rice



the song has grown on to me as does a creeping plant as have you
i'm trying to shake you off even as you bring me warmth
i am so cold i am so glad for you i am trying to shake you off even as you bring me warmth


my dear friend,
i have no ways no means of helping you. very obviously she is your wonderwall
i can only sit here muted by irony and give you my silent company
i know it is not enough, that is how it always is.. i hope it is enough, i know it is not enough


and suddenly my sweetest taboo, those long gone days of frantic loving
of silent hysteria
senseless crying sudden laughing
sincere, sincere living
the crazy days return again
this comforting confusion of that nostalgia is so pungent
it was the only time i truly breathed


skipping along into puddles of random rainwater i feel
alive
i feel so so alive


"such pretty words, but life's no storybook"
:enhui

pink cotton candy blues

my brain is fried.

the crate of wories i drag now is two
and i can only painfully bring them to you as
my head dips in shame utter disgust in all i have done
and these ropes they cut into my wrists but such inconsequential pain
i dare not speak of for i have no rights to comfort i deserve none
and the only thing i can bear to say to you in all senses true
forgive me father, for i have sinned

three drops of water

One for you, one for you. One for me.

I had always wanted to write good books, pen good tales. Now I think I can do nothing. I want to write my feelings down for the world to see just that everyone else is doing the same so there is nothing in it nothing special to be doing it anymore.

Ditto for every single thing I’m doing every single thing I will do.

I want to blog this down right now and I cannot go online. It is akin to screaming at a wall the sounds just sort of bounce off back into your ears. After awhile the volume and pitch and claustrophobia overtake anything else and then you just give up and stand there, panting. Tears and perspiration drip down together as one inseparable like lovers.

Clinging for dear life the red ant was to the cliff of the curb. I was Primary One waiting for the school bus with my maid then, Julia-jiejie we called her. It looked like it was going to fall off so I put my finger there for it to climb up. I intended to drop it off at the top of the curb where it seemed like it wanted to go.

The red ant bit me and I swung my hand around turning like crazy and the ant refused to let go. And I screamed it was the first time I was bitten by an ant, and that because I wanted to help it. Such a laughable matyr at seven.

Now, I am merely laughable.

get up

it is time to live the life. live my life. get up and go
since you so obviously do not give a shit i should not, see. and so i will not not anymore

i know i am more special than you, and i am liable for nothing and no one
care i shall for those who exist in my world, and love i do
the rest it is time for all them all you to
Realise. Your. Pathetic. Insignificance.

is been too long since i clubbed

i will remember you;

will you remember me?


funny how we feel so much and we can't say a word
we are screaming inside and we can't be heard
:sarah mclachlan



sung to; the last one left and i live
and thus it be that i live...

whew.

the beginning chords of guitar (i nearly said piano why did i nearly say piano)
they salvage the failing soul

and all the roads we have to walk are winding
and all the lights that lead us there are blinding
there are many things i'd like to say to you
(but i don't know how)
:wonderwall - oasis

you are my salvation i can feel it
I AM AFRAID OF MY DOWNFALL
because it can only be too true


i said maybe, you're gonna be
the one that saves me
:wonderwall - oasis


for every force there is an equal and opposite reaction. i am happy
so happy now. and each day that i feel joy each
night it is that i drown in fear.


let me live in this dream of dreams
or not at all

all good things - nelly furtado

We are what we don't think
Missed everything daydreaming

Traveling I only stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay

I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don't cry

I only feel gravity and I wonder why



Well the dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon, hoping it would come soon
so that they could

Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon
so that they could
Die die die die die

well the dogs were

barking at the new moon, whistling a new tune
so that they could die

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxVOoaZGlak

worth the watch. esp now tt i know how difficult video editing is

swallow your saliva

and for a moment the world turned red i saw red and stripped my soul was, just in those seconds i was so angry i could have killed. i could have screamed. i could have cried.

"stupid la, all these shows. all the girls only know how to cry."

"then you want guys cry meh?"

"oh ya.. okay la girls cry girls cry. haha"

and can you say you love me, when you don't see me anymore
:other side of the world - kt tunstall

i want to pen a really worthwhile tale but all i can think of and pen down is the infinite injustice done to someone i care for; i guess i can hardly escape my own rock solid belief. human emotions, personally applicable ones, are the ultimate pitfalls to beautiful literature.

i mean, after all if the proximity is too great, only a blur of colours can be discerned Hardly The Clearest Of Depictions, You Realise. (and other stories ha)

and the fire fades away; most of everyday is filled with tired excuses
but it's too hard to say.. i wish it were simple but
we give up easily. you're close enough to see that
you're on the other side of the world on the other
side of the world you're on
the other side of the world to me
:other side of the world - kt tunstall

i get a kick from breaking hearts (those that come along), have i told you before?

unfold me i am small
and needy warm me up
and breathe me
:breathe me - sia

oh well. continue i shall on this journey of self-discovery
or self-destruction self-mutilation OH COME ON
if they could know of the human body in its entirety where would dissection come in.
learning is essential, as is legacy. life?
part of the alliterating equation maybe. on which side of it though i am as yet unsure

"orh yours is the emo kind one huh"

somehow i am mildly offended by that categorisation. is this what they deragoratorily term emo? i prefer to think of my writing as something more tasteful. as in, the language, diction, style, and all.. don't they make my words more of a literary read? or just the kind of emoshit ramblings i so condemn

gosh. i hope to goodness not.

isnt it hilarious how i am so easily swayed by fleeting questions and offhand remarks? i could almost laugh at myself with casual ease.

hello, i dreamt that you were so in love with me as i am with you. in the strictly literary sense. the beautiful not stupid simple kind of love and i woke up again in tears (the fourth this week) because as always the only beauty in my life exists only in my dreams

one day i will be special, one day i will love myself

swish they go like waves

enlighten me please.

i have no idea why the sorrow is so astute. or is it acute? i have a really bad problem with proper pronunciation, i hope i mentioned.

please live your dreams. contrary to popular belief, there is no other life to do that.

the stinging sweetness of such sorrow, i am stripped of words to describe. "you..quite poetic ah?"

lol. love the lings. that is great praise thanks

chengs is leaving. im sad like fuck. obviously i'm happy she will live her dreams. i want all of you and all of you to

hence i shall not venture to define these tears

too much is never enough

"her eyes they shone with an unnatural light
almost immortal, but still unnoticeable"

one thing you have got to concede, i have many good friends. and yet, and still, those few hours nearly pushed me off the edge. not that the day nor fatigue had helped i guess.


there is something you should know, that such sweet retribution, i know it. and yes i taste it, and yes i hate it

why do i not matter to you in that way? you should cease to exist for that because either it is you, or it is me.
let's do this the mathematical way. so if there are enough to whom i do not matter enough... i should end, isn't it. makes sense totally.


i'm just falling short. always always always. "inadequacy is...quite universal, you realise. so why fret" because i want to matter.

i want it so much i want it too much

will you always love me? - joyce carol oates

Later, when she'd recovered, calmed and softened and sleepy by several glasses of wine, Andrea confessed to Harry she'd thought he'd asked her something. She knew he hadn't, but she thought she'd heard the words. When Harry asked, what were the words, Andrea said she didn't know. Her forehead, no longer creased with worry, kept the trace of thin horizontal lines.

Harry thought: We're drawn to the mystery of others' secrets, and not to those secrets. Do I really want to know?

the knife - joyce carol oates

and when Bonnie said with her new skepticism, "Nobody can do this, can they!" Harriet said, "Oh, people can do anything, sometimes."

Harriet sometimes wondered if she and her husband were training their daughter in the ambiguities of life and not its stark primary colourations.