is there anything more sobering

than the knowledge of prowess beyond our faculties? beyond epistemological parameters, beyond institutional indoctrination, beyond all the wisps of knowledge that occasionally float past the eyes of the lucky few. aiya. after exams and in between bargaining fo the price of printing on paper, gorging on books is the best feeling i have had in ages. as a sideline though, final fantasy xiii's constructivism is really enjoyable. i'm gonna read more on these, architecture and religion. the tangible and intangible cornerstones of mankind's legacy throughout the ages.

how massive, literature

as of now

tmr is gonna buy pet toys, clothes, collect stuff from ling (if i knew 1 more item would cost extra 14 i rather forgo the stupid stand la. it better be breathtaking), then most probably go read.

there is filament to prepare for, so minor edits on friday, discuss the event, maybe go printer's with wendy, then dinner with acbc.

saturday is shafiah's wedding prep.

sunday morning tuition, lunch with june, dinner with family.

monday gotta run. really. really run, run, really. doctor's with mingyang to check the chronic pain and toenail.

tuesday and wednesday final exporting, filament prep, collect brochures? (must have brochure la really. i wish we could afford the high quality one)

thursday and friday filament

so as of now until about a week after my birthday i am jam packed, jam packed, you hear, jam packed. no time for anything else at all. i got film festivals to submit the short film to, runs to run, tuition classes to make up for, new students to take up, a job to find, my family to support, my complexion to worry about, friends to catch up with, no time for anything least of all

you

my very own salt & vinegar chips

"i used to think that samosas are called mimosas"

19th April - FYP Presentation Day

brace yourself for a zoom-in-on-pores kind of detail. i want to remember today i really want to.

greeted by the sight of tables at porch (porch?), justin & group in formal wear. first few butterfly wings fluttered. must remind self to stop looking at floor walking, was first thought when walking past tutorial rooms 1 & 2. wedges making the reassuring kok kok sound. benches area already populated with fellow year 4s in various degree of formality. the sight of fahimah & fariza was balm. familiarity. sold tshirts with erwin & koonyen, they went to watch the screening in the LT. jessie came, we sold some tshirts. did the stupid visa dance on the bench with fahimah, best de-stresser in the world.

weiwei, yinyin, and joyce. haven't seen joyce the chengs in at least 1 eon. struck me again, we converse, or at least i do, much more intelligently via texts. i should just jump into paper and be an essay. talk also stutter (more about that later). chengs is tiny. she proclaims her face is fat but i have run out of synonyms, if you peer at yourself 1mm from the mirror how tiny can you be, really. aiya. say people pretty they don't believe one. mingyang agrees too but not like you will believe right xiao hong. haha. ok la. next.

post-lunch. pictures with people, then i realise i don't have many more friends than when i entered the school. as in, other than maybe 5 people i probably won't keep in touch with people. what a far cry from jc. fyp supposed to make friends but i don't think they want to be my friend. objectively speaking.

presentation is stunning. zimmermann as always came up with some damn far out concept about ours being brechtian. jitao stun. nikki said, say yes. we said, yesss. lol. it was insightful to have kym campbell too, his take on the graphics and all put things into perspective. nikki and zimmermann disagreed on the acting style. i see it as more of an application problem. you apply auteur theory on a film, also can, you apply textual analysis, also can, each and both give value in different ways. but oh well my confidence is damn sky high right. haha. didn't say anything. stammered during self-introduction. m-my name is bee hwee *lookz at floorz* i-i wa sin charge of er aud-audio in post production and wa-wardrobe etc. how do i summarise this. i sounded pitifully pathetic enough that nikki gave me a reassuring look. how bout that, ranger. morphin' time into a toad. but they liked it. i am way glad. and way proud of my groupmates, well done!

pictures pictures pictures. mass picture, then someone started singing auld lang syne. i have no friends and i belted it out like celine dion. ok more like saline dory. oh well. instinctive herding tendencies from npcc and odac. i just like people la. they make me sad and so i say i don't but really i do.

tompang jessie's cab to bukit batok wanna go yishun take stuff, then i remembered gotta hand in lit essay. fuckfuckfuck take cab back because is 4pm and angela is damn anal, i heard, about deadlines. sianz. so much for saving money there goes my saved lunch money. saw nadia faiz naz at cati lab. last. said bye to cathy and colleen. some people ah sometimes i think eh if we were friends would it have been fun, too late to ponder except here. blisters starting to form by the time i reach hss, fucking downward slope. shouldn't have worn heels la dammit. but wouldn't have done it any other way. special mah. zui hou liao. i really like angela, she tolerates my onslaught of babble like it is actually halfway logical. well. i sincerely hope, for both our sakes, my essay is decent. i really like the topic and truly tried to simplify it this time. and did a mountain of research that i can spout architectural theories on culture and socialisation. can. kao.

train to khatib. toes dying. seat at cck - chiong. exhausted, sleep. ding dong, khatib. alight. rain. overhead bridge. bang head on fucking hard tv who the fuck hangs tv so fucking low. blinded, stand still. fucking pain. prima deli peanut butter and butter waffle. ten tons of perspiration, shower. remove makeup use renewal gel use facial wash use body foam use towel wear comfy clothes. pack clothes. so muchhh. too heavy unpack some. pack shoes. take notebook. bus takes five lifetimes to reach.

long, long, peaceful bus ride, play songs on low volume - cannot find earphones - long, long bus ride in the rain. and i think, how apt. how apt that i spend these few precious hours alone, riding the 179 bus out of ntu for the last time in a school day, and alone, and then this insanely long bus ride with rain outside and darkening sky and other passengers are quiet too. i wouldn't have it any other way. really.

a deep breath, one sigh.

sunshine in the snow

if i could be here i would be there with you

Curtain - Daniel Arsham

HL206: Modernism

Why Patterns (Pour) from Snarkitecture on Vimeo.

Nanyang Business School Free Access Lab - 5:00 p.m.

This last row is my favourite, Mingyang is sitting on my favourite seat. He is much favoured (favourite is Papa) so I let him. Emma said, she read in a book that people discern love in different ways - touch, quality time, encouraging words, gifts.

The most important word from Modernism seminar yesterday is "texture". It is almost evening now (all is continuum but we insist on categories like tunnel-visioned ants) and through the window the grilles cast diagonal shadows. The leaves sway and their traces caress the grilles' echoes.

it must be warm inside Your arms

honest to goodness, i wish i believed in God. it will no longer be lonely or frightening because i would be able to draw strength from Your holy, eternal, and all-encompassing love for me. Your forgiveness would lend me courage to face all obstacles with grace and wisdom, and i would in turn be able to reach out a helping hand to those in need.

the first thing i would do is attend every church service that has someone singing Oh Holy Night, and weep not from the mere beauty of the melody but from being fundamentally moved by the miracle that is in each one of us, this spark of life granted by God's grace and Jesus's unconditional sacrifice.

above all, faith would come naturally.

honest to goodness. i wish i could bring myself to believe in God.

hot ass crazy sexy people

you made me slobber make me slick
with sweat, anticipation of bodies tossed like light hair
alluring smiles and lowered eyelids, eyelids,
almost i can taste the throbbing blue veins on your eyelids

it is a pity that i am neither talented nor strong enough to catch up with my peers and enter the workforce on equal footing. not a tragedy because i can (not saying will cause who knows how long i will be cui) become better, but just - a pity

here is the secret that nobody knows

if you had already ever seen such beauty
you would never have eyes for me

honest to goodness you are my salvation

have hope have hope
don't bail don't bail
press on press on
the shimmer in the mirror is the only obstacle left
mount it and fly
yes yes yes you can!

COM472

come on, brain.

WORK

why you still awake when tomorrow's an especially long day

a tale of two cities

singapore
"they put the treatment lotion on, then steamed my hair"

snowman land
"they put the medicine on my hair then they smoked my head"

ten times love.

sporadic; weekly word cloud

boo ghee
never social dance salsa in short tight dress before i hope i don't explode like yi ge ba zhang bomb

cloth on body powder on face
nothing till thailand nothing till thailand but tracyeinny got sale at the shop and i really, really, really like the cropped biege blazer. throw nuts at me i am spendthrift monkey.

genocide museum (1)
how to say, all this debating intellect wafts like stench when recalling the palpable chill in each chamber.

genocide museum (2)
inability to distance self onto philosophical pedestal makes for intellectual degradation and emotional excess.

kelly clarkson
just walk away

inject caffeine into veins