upon sands of love, continued

a canvas facing the endless sky,
singing to itself with the crimson
heartstrings seeking solace on silent
poetry; granted only
by loneliness it lives

there is really nothing romantic nor poetic about chocolate cream puffs

and probably the only thing that is more nauseating is how you chose to spend the holidays.

the opportunity cost the opportunity cost.

nevermore

ngiap ngiap!

you NEED to stop hurling heartspeak that leaves you high and dry and feeling dumb, not to mention tempted to spew more to possibly maybe hopefully improve things

no, Really.

nocturnal (genius or delirium)

as a girl i always wanted to join the neat row of legs in pink tights, twirling like swans with heads held high and necks stretched surely, surely to the skies. papa held my hand and pulled me away, saying that i would surely never persist.

maybe, he was too heartbroken to say he could not afford it.

when i see people going for holidays overseas on a regular basis, and complain over not having the most fashionable things, and go on overseas exchange trips, i am saddened and jealous and envious

when i see my father driving his taxi with spectacles on now, and the same shirt (carefully hung after each wash) and pants rolled neatly to reach his ankles, and the same old socks that droop despite me telling him to buy new ones

yes, i am chastened.

there are many things i would lke to do, places and people and subjects i would love to experience, and in all, all in all in all, there is really nothing greater than my wish to bring my father for a holiday to see the scenery he so much likes and truly, from the bottom of my heart i swear, he deserves.

i have many loves, and i will cry for them make gifts for them laugh with them comfort them hug them accompany them talk to them and listen to them
my father, i will die for him, gladly

two steps left and two steps right

when your heart gets broken
honey take two steps left two steps right
when there is little else left to be said cause he don't love you
baby go two stops down and pick a fight
with anyone anywhere really i don't think you'd care
seeing he doesn't no more and is nowhere
near you, he is with another her and he is nowhere
near you
he is nowhere near you dear, he is nowhere
he is nowhere near you
he is nowhere near you
he is nowhere near you
(i know you hold him inside you)

canvas

how are you

okay i guess and you

okay alright i don't know

gotta go

bye

i want to thank you all very much

overnight filming redefines insanity,
and insanity would not
be insane without fatigue, frustration,conflict, exasperation,
appreciation delirium and glad glad joy

and the madness continues tonight

anamorphosis (you don't care a bit)

the world reduced itself to a focal point when i turned towards and away and back before it registered that it was really you. barely, barely some distance away.

bubbles of chattering concern threatened to pour forth like a nightmare of frothing, drowning bath suds - how are you? how have you been? does it feel the same without me? am i still intriguing to you? was i ever intriguing to you? do i look pretty in this? did you turn to watch me as i walked away? if you didn't, did you want to? do you can you could you would you love me?

and then the whirlwind righted itself and i said less than nothing, after all, it was either this or the spillage that would doubtless leave both of us awkward and unsatisfied. rather it be me than you, then.

writing ed\en, i wish i had chronicled all momentary flashes of obssessive passion, if only so writing scripts would be easier.

in the shower earlier, it struck me again how bad i had broken mingyang's heart, and how much love and blind faith (there is nothing else to describe it, really) it took for him. and all he says to me is?

"you are the loveliest thing in the world"

wish fulfilment

last night, i dreamt that i was alone, sopping wet, running along a beach at night. the harsh stadium light captured my panic as i begged family after family to take me in; a muslim lady took pity and allowed me on her boat. together with her daughter, i pushed the open boat into the dark waters and we climbed in together. it was cold, depressing, and liberating.

i remember looking back towards the shore, starkly lit and mostly dark. from that moment i became truly alone, and so i no longer lived.

last week, or maybe the week before last, or maybe earlier, i dreamt of the beach too. it was an island, and we bought chicken rice. it was a steep decline down the beach to the sea, and they asked us not to sit too far down because high tide was coming in. we scoffed but sat closer to the gate that closed the sea out anyway, just in case.

halfway through our meal, the water gushed up the beach. i asked him to climb up first, and i followed as closely behind as i could. he reached the gate, and turned around to get me. i climbed up, already wet, and panted in manic relief. then the girl screamed. i turned and saw her pleading eyes as she got pulled down a little further with the water's momentary retreat. i jumped down.

pulling her by her dress and then pushing her by her ass up the sand, which now was slippery. i climbed, and then i heard the gush, and then the water surrounded me and pulled me into its embrace. the waves were huge, the water grey, and i swam futilely against the current, and i cried when i saw his disbelieving eyes, "i love you, i love you, i love you so much" as i was pulled continually back.

there came a moment when the noises just stopped, and it was the soft swish of the mutually lonely waves that reminded me it was i who had stopped crying out, and that was my surrender to the eternal solitude of the sea

then follow the mornings when, brushing my teeth, i reach out and wipe dry the tears on the face of the girl in the mirror

dear daughter,

dance your tears all dry and
scream till all fears fly and
read your dreams alive. do
pen your thoughts; all five
million dandelion stalks of them
and maybe then, then you will finally be
ready for the earthquake that love can be

若

早知道是这样, 像梦一场
我才不会把爱都放在同一个地方
我能原谅你的荒唐　
(荒唐的是我没有办法遗忘)

6.梦一场

prayer

please to the higher powers i know exist, give me strength to know my dignity and pride is not pulverised to powder just because i am not selected for an internship, give me faith to be convinced by my belief that no matter where i go i will learn many things that no matter where i am there are precious lessons to be learnt, give me solace from this unfounded, disheartening humiliation i feel like a second skin

brida - paulo coelho

'What are you good at?' asked the owner.

'Going after what I believe in.' That was the only possible reply; she spent her life in pursuit of what she believed in. The only problem was that she believed in something different every day.

"i will fling my hair back and you will fall"

,they all say. and i
say, shush -
Just Dance.

left a little me in you

november 2004, myanmar.
and then there is july 2008, laos.

look at the stars
look how they shine
(for you)
:yellow - coldplay

sweet dreams, little ones
may your smiles endure always
all ways

i left a little me, left a little me in you