days of our lives

是我选择了懂事
而你的回应是放纵
我会冷静看着你
离开我的世界

heart throbs

we are essentially alone in our individual agony and if the world does end it will be the end of much pain and much sin. i will remember you will you remember me

backlog

i am in a limbo now sorry my friends my fyp mates my students my tutorial mates my dance people my loves if i disappear suddenly and call you and ask you where is my mind, where is my mind

things i MUST do
1. settle all outstanding administrative stuff for mama
2. start on fyp
3. resume money earning
4. prepare for school (and questions and concerned hands on shoulders and sympathetic gazes and pitying tsk tsk i'm so sorry for your loss i heard are you okay do you want to talk about it???)

undies too tight; not for the gutless, at least not at night

lenka's we will not grow old is momentary balm in this time of loneliness and this time of night. 7th night, i'm pretty sure mama would be back, except, papa is here, and guan yin niang niang is not covered like in wai po's house. is that tingling sensation i kind of maybe do feel in my right ear, her gaze at me through the window?

nope. just turned my head (just a teeny weeny bit reluctantly) to check. no mother's teary/furious/frighteningly distorted face peering back at me.

it is just so ironic that today happens to be papa's birthday too. and tmr, hui min's bday. do you know how to write your mother's name in chinese characters? i didn't until i did. too late to show her i guess unless this afterlife thing is true, in which case tonight is the night she returns did i mention? except papa is here too and guan yin niang niang is not covered like at wai po's place.

boy boy hasn't returned from his bball training, i wonder if he will bump into her. mama loves (loved?) boy boy the most. we all know this.

there are so many people to thank. my aunts, uncles, cousins - the garang guni man horn has been sounding sporadically for some time now, and i just realised...it's midnight, garang guni don't come at night. and i just felt a very light cool breeze.

erm.

ok anyway (since i may as well be productive while i'm freaked) there's so many people to thank, each of them, for the concern and support and texts and calls and food and lifts and company and love and understanding.

a very very very significant change i have undergone is that i am no longer able to hold on to the many words i kept tied up in a sack, cause now the sack has to be used to contain tears. so i rant and ramble and just mumble to myself 24/7. unstoppably ceaselessly continuously persistently...yea. you get the idea.

should i open the door and sit outside? so. you know. out of the range of guan yin niang niang and maybe she can talk to me and all.

somebody give me a hug please. like now. i cannot do this brave girl shit. i'm fucking scared. can?

.
.
.
.

i guess not

surreal \ so real

On the way home Mary Lou said, "Some things are so sad you can't say them."
:haunted - joyce carol oates

do you love - natalie imbruglia

text. text. tears. need company, no company. cool glass partition. hot forehead. hair on face. bursts of tears. sporadic shivers. heavy eyelids. stinging eyes. three hours walking everywhere nowhere. sudden seat before traffic. each, step, a, difficult, one. gastric, headache, stinging eyes, oh all this will add to a stronger me (but why won't you comfort me even for awhile)

hush hush hush hush hush hush hush hush hush hush hush hush hush hush hush hush hush hush hush hush hush hush hush hush; softly sob this lullaby

un adorn

places i was at yesterday

kk hospital
tan tock seng hospital
yishun street 81
din tai fung @ takashimaya
bakerzin @ paragon
orchard central
ntuc @ tampines mall
kopitiam @ century square
pasir ris drive 1

unbidden

is the glance at your sudden smile; the tears at the impending death; shivers at the upcoming operation; swaying to the same song playing for the hundredth time. the dreams of us together holding hands running through lavender fields to light breezes, our laughter filling the air with more sunshine

Heaven's Loft

a place of supreme happiness elevated above the main hall
where daydreamers seek quiet time for inspiration and fun
lovers look for adventure and love