simultaneity

"oh, i thought you are working now."

"haha, not yet, i'm still studying in university."

"ah i see i see... you must study hard ah, your father works very hard, hen xing ku"

"yes i will. i know."

"ya. you see father and mother also him, very xing ku de."

----

"did you know those rowers"

"Nope. I just read about it. Just got back from vietnam."

"ok. the news is really saddening. take care of yourself."

----

"actually your aunt wanted to pay for all of us to go to malaysia with them."

"huh? why?"

"cause she know papa no money mah."

"oh. but i'd prefer if we go by ourselves too. papa?"

"ya?"

"would you like to go overseas?"

"no la."

"why?"

"must settle this house first, no where got mood to go overseas."

"is it true we can only stay here until march?"

"must see how the lawsuit goes la. i talk to the mp already, they will help us one."

----

"ya, the mother didn't want the child. very sad la, i hate that mother."

"aiya, must see what. everyone has their own story, cannot just judge by the surface."

"you know the girl is only about 4 years old, her whole body is covered with cigarette marks and scars, her father beat until her leg fractured, the scars will not fade one that kind you know. now he's in jail. he better stay there for 10 years."

"ok that's really sad... how is she?"

"at first she damn scared of males, don't let anyone touch her also."

"understandable la. now leh"

"now she always likes people to hug her. we all hug her loh, those not her nurse also hug her. because nobody else hugs her."

----

mind maelstrom

there is no planned cessation of this pink-nail frivolity
when it chips, as it chipped, it is cut, as it was cut. true and through
through and true

this is what i wanted, this is what i want,
a life of loves. no more thoughts
there is no irony
there is no depth
there is no thought
there is no pain
there is no blame
all is love, love is all, love is all

if it has to take the pinpoints of truth and pain further away from this precipice
i will try my best to keep you in sight
but the anchor that will pull me down, down
it is tightening tightening dear
so i will keep my spot here, atop this cliff
look up and imagine that this airless air is my freedom of a freedom

and when my ghosts from the past they come
i will dance with them into the void of silence
where all pains cease. all tales end

i would just like to say that the song frightens me

just because i am listening to it with earphones to shut out the strains of project runway on the television.

and i, here, writing notes and tearing paper, with pink nails as my sunshine in the night. today i will face the sunshine and i will not know the shadows behind me and i will give this sunshine to you you and you. if i see you glad then i feel joy too.

today onwards i will be sad for the simple and shallow reasons. so today onwards whenever i am sad i can easily be made happy again.

i am sad that i cannot watch project runway, i am sad sad sad. so sad, so sad this sad song, so sad this tune. it's a sad sad situation.

sad.sad.
like a tic on the face, a facial sadness tic.
sad sad sad sad sad
sad. is. tic

scream my lungs out to try and get to you

a heartwrenching reaction peculiar to rock songs. when the oceans of turmoil are released in an instant (it seems the dam has disappeared)

YOU ARE MY ONLY ONE
MY ONLY ONE
MY ONLY ONE
MY ONLY ONE
YOU ARE MY ONLY
MY ONLY ONE
:only one - yellowcard

if i were beautiful, i would feel more intricacies, more poignance, more truth.

we are walking this thin line of trepidation and exhilaration and are you sure you want safe joy? because i am not so decided anymore.

i no wan study i no wan no wan!

i just realised the titles for the posts in the right-hand navigation form a coherent narrative.

fashion nation, ration creation: meshes of the afternoon, lifted, when the insides churn from swallowing.

aiya aya, titanic? tell me what to believe from the truth of a thousand lies. bring your flowered hat; all the questions of the world i leave behind.

antiquity (a mad man's misery) car crashes lead remnants of tai chi.

fashion nation ration creation

just browsing through the usual pictures of the usual, phenomenal dressers in facehunter.blogspot.com (and fuck the bad reviews, i'm all up for draping my toy-soldier blanket around my neck if it makes the outfit.) (yes, the pink and drool-stained one.)

(yes, i still sleep with it every night.)

so anyway, i stumbled on a couple of other street fashion blogs, only these are from good old homeland. my country my homeland and all that jazz, yes i know. it is astounding to see good dressers in numbers! not fractions! i assume my taste is the good one but narcissism keeps you alive, trust me i know.

do check out wayw.sg and theclothesproject.blogspot.com
i pretended i didn't see the few bad attires, somehow the i-am-anime thing, i cannot figure. i cannot.

this is loves. suddenly, maybe, i wear my prom dress to ang mo kio tomorrow!

meshes of the afternoon

"I am addressing myself not to any particular group but to a special area and definite faculty in every or any man - to the part of them that creates myths, invents divination and ponders, for no practical purpose whatsoever, on the nature of things.

"The important truth is a poetic one."

Maya Deren
1917-1961

lifted

i know the price, or think i do, and i am not afraid to be alone, or to explore the future, but i am afraid to sacrifice the present.

:sofia

when the insides churn from swallowing

..inside I am becoming ashamed. I am ashamed because she is ashamed. Because she is my daughter and I am proud of her, and I am her mother but she is not proud of me.
:the joy luck club - amy tan

aiya aya

you damn cute. it is really nice to read about the dreams people live over there, i hope we can have that here too. maybe one day we can all see the dandelions between the concrete slabs we trod on day in and day out, yes.

and the whispers of smiles will fly wide and fly high.

my exams end on 22nd nov, and you were right, i've just picked up the first 4 steps of salsa and you're going to be back already!

:D

titanic

"this is crazy. it doesn't make sense!"

"i know. that's why i trust it"

tell me what to believe

conspiracies:
and mysteries:
science fiction:
make-believe:
a mad guy's misery


mind is imploding with theories and heart is exploding with theories
what does it matter, really?

from the truth of a thousand lies

i bleed it out just to throw it away,
just to throw it away,
just to throw it away
i bleed it out
:bleed it out - linkin park


AS I WAS GOING UP THE STAIR I SAW A MAN THAT WASN'T THERE
I SAW THAT MAN AGAIN TODAY
I WISH THAT HE WOULD GO AWAY
THAT HE WOULD GO AWAY
THAT HE WOULD GO AWAY
THAT HE WOULD GO AWAY
I WISH THAT MAN WOULD GO AWAY

bring your flowered hat

i cannot wait to dance. there is salsa camp there is clubbing there is the tingling tango i dance on the way to the bathroom from the stairs. onetwo fling your head! onetwo flash a smile!

all the questions of the world i leave behind

i'm going nowhere and i'm going to take my time
:waiting on the sun - sixpence none the richer

there a a few things that i mouth to your retreating figure, even though
i always make sure i am the one who walks away first. this lets me believe that i am the strong one. i made the choice to leave, it was my choice to make.

today, like always, i clicked on you and (re)read your unchanged alias. today, as always, i told myself i would be silent this time, i would not unleash my insanity on you.

today, as always, i failed.

i keep your window open and i imagine you are really talking to me in your heart as i am, though i have to say, i do not know what to say to you, i do not know who i am when i feel as the way i do.

there is a whole world out there, and i have many selves running about. when they collide, i hope i am not there to see the hilarious tragedy.

it is really, easy. just tell me to fuck the bloody hell off, or tell me you love me and always will as i do and don't. sense is just another social construct, care less for it i can not.

this will be my carousel
you will be my wonderwall
i will be your inextricable inconvenience
and we will be a silent fairytale
;not told. never heard. and always, always true

i'm shut out and shut in
everytime i reach out and reach in
so could you reach down and pull me out
(or am i just too far gone to be saved?)
:too far gone - sixpence none the richer

antiquity

a celestial voice sings from my laptop
a blood clot in my pad, soft red jelly
the shade of rouge that courtesans kiss
snow angels and sand castles, this song of a dream
i dance for you, so please love me

i walked backwards three laps at the stadium
(i saw you then, before)
and time backtracked, i know because i felt that overwhelming
wind of woe again
but there was no you,
but there was no you,
but there was no you, there was no you

a mad man's misery

nobody should be caring about this jibe or that stare or the competition, really. no really.

in 50 years time, all these would not matter, so they should not matter now, why not just concentrate on picking up more starfish to return to the sea, more sand for your castle, more smiles for the future (hell we all need it)

what does it matter, really, car crashes and love stories, you cry and cry and they rant and rant and there is always nothing worthwhile left behind.

dream, dreamers, dreamers dream, dream,

car crashes

my laptop crashed. on. me.

allow me to air the tragic(ally pathetic) tale.
it was 1:20pm. there was an email to send to my primary school for a $5 discount on an upcoming alumni gathering.
by 1:30pm everyday, all the nice dishes at the nearby coffeeshop's cai fan store would run out.
i had pressed the switch on button on my laptop.
the cai will be finished.
i did an "illegal shutdown".
tada my laptop crashed and this is the supermassively idiotic reason for the loss of all my documents from the cherished odac video to the audition template pictures to the deviantart downloads to the notes for the exams which are in FOUR DAYS

yes yes, pathetic individual yes is i

lead

A display of stupidity yesterday rendered a Communication Studies undergraduate speechless.

Speaking after a briefing on "What Not To Say To The Ex", Nanyang Technological University student Cordelia Shirley said she learnt all she knew from personal experience.

"There is nothing so enlightening as your own disaster," the 20-year-old said, "I used to think I was really smart and deep, but the sheer number of stupid things I have said just do not support that."

The workshop, which will be held over the next week, teaches how to keep silent when there is nothing intelligent to be said, to prevent marring a possibly already marred impression.

"When you feel stupid, the only rational thing to do is keep a good hold on your mouth," Ms Shirley said, "running into the wall after saying something exceedingly stupid only makes yourself feel marginally better."

"It does not erase your immense irretractable idiocy."

remnants of tai chi

every once in a while, the town council fogs the rubbish chute. so basically they pump (i assume) insecticide and detergent and whatever-that-kills-or-cleans-or-both fumes down the entire stretch of the common rubbish chute.

the first thing i saw when i got back were 2 dead cockroaches bellies up in the balcony. situated a few cool feets apart, i think they were having a dispute and so decided to die some distance from the other. and the thing is, they are not run of the mill cockroaches, the kind that my friendly neighbours deign to sweep extremely graciously to my part of the corridor. and yes, i returned the favour, i wuv yoo twos.

so after deliberating for all of two nanoseconds, i decided i had zero guts to approach either dead cockroach, and went to do the dishes. and home alone, the only light being the one in the kitchen, voila, enter chinese instrumental music.

of course i was frightened for like a few moments, but strangely i began to just enjoy the music. firstly, it was not the funeral one, and i really have only ever heard one version, and secondly, i think the sight of the lizards. eh. cockroach. eh. cockroaches. threw me off balance a little (point proven). so i continued doing the dishes, la di la, went out and into the living room (where we do our living. the kitchen is where we keep the kitsch. clara's screaming is love) and opened the curtains.

there, across at eye level on the top level of the multi-storey carpark, was the source of the chinese instrumental music. a group of elderly, some practising tai chi, some doing the fan dance, calmly continued their activites while i just Stood. And. Gawked.

the sight was just bewildering. and my memory kind of blacked out for a few minutes.

being alone in places has never really been easy for me, nor pouring out my heart (though verbal diarrhea inadvertently results in over-exposure of the self, i realise), but tonight was...different. the chinese music was calming, a refreshing change from what i usually listen to. that being said, i still remember how much i wanted to learn the gu zheng at changkat cc near my home, and my father refused. so i took to peeking through the window after my tuition classes, which were held just beside the gu zheng classroom. and they were on the uppermost level of the community centre too. ah, reminiscence.

but please, no uncles who trail mucus onto the mrt floor and stamp on it. gosh. talk about trauma.

america's next top model. the dreams in dreaming, but the beauty of joy. ah..