when you get old and rheumy and nostalgic

haven't been to steffanie and jeremy's house since they moved from their old bedok flat; they stay in sengkang now, on the 14th storey overlooking a very nice field where kites fly higher than buildings and the roads are empty and the blocks are close enough for steffanie to spot a couple doing it doggie style. most of the cousins here. steffanie,18 - boyboy,17 - huimin,20 - me,22 - anthea,16 - xueling,22 - kaili,17 - mandy,13 - jeremy,21


the last time i went overseas with my relatives was back in secondary 1; we had gone to genting, and this tshirt i had loved with a vengeance because i thought it complemented my shoulders and (then) small hips very well. huimin took a shot of this picture on steffanie's kitchen wall. we all had a good laugh over it. and munchkin is a strangely nice game.


the annual family picture at aunt may's place. huimin said she thinks that her outfit last year ugly now. boyboy loves his outfit. papa is a happy hongbao.


my siblings. 20 years old the nurse aka hwain jie and 17 years old the bballer aka boyboy


boyboy


we used to have 3 musketeers meetings, either in papa's room or in huimin and my room. plans hatched included who to go get titbits from downstairs (all 3) or what flavour of icecream to have (boyboy for vanilla and huimin for chocolate and me for chocolate chip) or whether to send mama to coventry for scolding/hitting us again (always yes and always huimin to break it first) or just what game to play next (crocodile on papa's bed or catching downstairs or hide and seek or bring-all-pillows-bolsters-blankets-into-living-room-and-be-warriors)


boyboy's version of huimin's "eh must pose with the flowers, everyone must pose nicely ok? orh, how ah? just take the flowers then pretend to bite, then must bend down and be cute"

do you hear me talking (to you)

across the water, across the deep, blue
ocean under the open sky

across the deep blue ocean

Lucky - Jason Mraz feat. Colbie Caillat

She

she drags each foot by the toes in her strolling strut towards you, and almost;
almost, her lips touch skin as she exhales up the length of your trembling self

Zie Tango Reflejo De Luna.wma -

ten years ago today, and i love you still

Viva forever (Live) - Spice Girls & Luciano Pavarotti -

resembling respite

a thousand thoughts and no words to articulate with
old wells. gong hay lay ah gong hay lay

boogieland

Keeps Gettin Better - Christina Aguilera - CHRISTINA AGUILERA

tantalising you like a name that curls, slowly, on the tip of your tongue

when you dine with dolls

the first thing you notice is their immobility, and then that all eyes are averted from you onto them, for who would pay heed to any other when such a perfect, fragile, palpably vulnerable countenance lingers and sighs and crosses her legs in front of you? none.

when you dine with dolls, the next thing you notice is their unwavering gaze and unmoving lips, and in attempts to pry open their stony expressions you speak and speak and rant and sing and plead and joke even wail to extract even a dewdrop of sympathy, but

when you dine with dolls you eventually realise the only way you can hope to escape the claustrophobic inferiority is to become one of them

Paper 3

To Whom It May Concern:

Dear Sir/Mdm,

I have a hunch letters put into floating bottles should not follow the format of a formal letter, but that is the only way I know to write a letter. I hope you are not a lonely enough person, to be reading this. May solitude be the curse upon only a few.

Acoustic songs always have the effect of making me unnecessarily melancholic and unerringly verbal. It is usually on such nights I make excessive confessions to both myself and others. A wholly unhealthy thing to do when one values social pride and all that crap.

Evidently, I am in such a mood tonight. Another malady I wish you do not have.

One bad habit I have is that I try to detect, however unfounded, wounds in people, that I may use to colour my canvas of poetry and irony. A quilt that gives no warmth.

Silence holds within its folds many songs of silenced sighs and longing gazes. This you must know; this you must know

When one day we meet I will know you. You will be the star gazer that traces each step you take on each floor you step on, and you will feel a gaze upon you and you will look up and it will be me looking at you, and we will fall madly in eternal love in a moment.

You will walk away from me and I will hold on to this petal of unushed tear on my tongue in bed on sleepless nights, and you will hold on to this petal of unushed tear on your tongue in bed on sleepless nights.

Our hands will feel strangely empty and they will shape an imagined contour of a face, for which expression will never be known, for it will be a melody, a taste, a twirl

We will live forever in this moment and in this truth.

Katya

i imagine you

to be so;
a song of unplugged melodies and raw vocals
so madly alive as to draw breath with sensation akin to pain
the songs you hear only them bridges; the flicker
of truth between the planks of pretense
vivid, splendid colours

and the song titles, painful in their very curtness and exceeding, reluctant honesty
things i don't understand;
whispers on your doorstep;
the smile plaster;
another day begins

oh, for this love, this life, that courses through your veins

borderline

i seldom feel lonely in doing the things i do; alone, yes, but never lonely
never alone.

i don't really believe in doing things for appearances sake. after all, there are seriously better things to fret about than inconsequential details that will be forgotten before the next meal. like seriously.

with belc 3 days away and a full dress rehearsal run just now so bad that gary silently left and another small and irritating injury and menstruation and the video still undone, these devilish soft squeaky whining voices in my head should just shut it. really.

such a pity that life's poetry is derided somehow by its very inevitable monotony and technicality.

bee hwee ah you please stop screwing up your dance and editing please. no more room for self-fury and loathing. some reason to stop slapping yourself already.

only we will know

The Scientist - Coldplay

bleeding from my eyes

with Boredom.

let this be the entry to which i will gaze longingly at in times to come, when i have familiarised myself with the many databases and systems native to disneyland, when i've to walk back and forth up and down the many offices to book editing sessions, audio voiceover talents from the united states, talk to my creative director to fine tune promo scripts, ask for help regarding use of graphic effects, when this ache in my ass from sitting down and watching hannah montana from 9am to 6pm and logging shots (ie only going through 4 of the stipulated 27 episodes) will be but a fond memory.

when i evolve from a useless intern to a crazybusy working bee.

ARGH this is crazy. and i've tuition later i HATE tuition

(i even write like how hannah montana speaks now. GREAT)

(ya Think?)

(in reference to above Great.)

(hurting ass from sitting too long say WHAT)

you are, you are

my constant amidst the tendrils of transgressions; always

The Man Who Fought Roland LaStarza - Joyce Carol Oates

Nothing so disturbs us as another's hatred for us. Our own secret hatreds, how natural they seem. How inevitable.

pendulum

talked to joel the entire train ride back from boon lay to tampines, and then a little more. not very sure why the topic always veers towards religion now.

anyway i had many things to say until i read the email with a thinly veiled blaring insult. either i am really so useless, or you are a shit, or i am just emo. and i think i am just emo. if i am a better person i would be able to give the words i had in my head just now due justice.

anyway, The Power of Love by Celine Dion is fantastic.

The power of love - Celine Dion

Spelling Test

Unit 3: Disneyland

1. Tshirts and Jeans
2. Bandanas
3. Pantries with Couches by the Window Perfect for Reading, Nintendo Wii, Xbox360
4. Toys
5. Unlimited Access to All Disney Productions
6. Unbelievable Databases
7. Cross-country Realtime Voice Recording Systems
8. Encyclopaedic Research on Maintaining Brand Consistency
9. Lightning Fast Editors Who Are Done Before You Can Say Wow
10. The Art of Utopian Illusions

Tomorrow Onwards It's Six Months Of Disneyland, Kindda.

i am FUCKING SCARED.
AHHH

begin again

wish you well, and wish you well
and wish you well for whom i wish well wish well;
i wish you well i wish you well.

2008 has been..eventful.
hopefully, 2009 will be better. if not for me then at least for you i hope for that, it's true

i spent the last few minutes of 2008 and the first few of 2009 crying my heart out again, for reasons i cannot articulate but of which the sorrow is keenly felt i keenly feel them, still. still i was and the consequences of my wilful folly surge down to me (yes i am the heart of the maelstrom)

and i am sure your last day of 2008 was better because you are a better person than me. you all are -

but i rant again.

resolutions for revolutions
1. relearn to love
2. gain as much knowledge and expertise as possible from internship
3. clean up the house
4. cry less
5. eat more with family
6. save money
7. use less heartspeak to the unworthy or the uncaring
8. visit mama more before she really dies
9. stop weeping whenever technicolour elusive images of long gone days of happy family (proven to have been but illusions) barge unwanted into the mental foreground
10. be happy
11. stay happy
12. make others happy

(sitting here listening to My Heart Will Go On for the hundredth time in three days i hear church bells heralding a new year and the voice of a woman weeping and screaming downstairs, it echoes clearly and a male voice replies in equal mirth. their language is foreign and their tone all too familiar, the chaotic conversation punctuated by slaps and crashes, fluctuating in ebbs and flows that are almost melodic)

(it is always the following silence that is most heartbreaking, the loving whispers and contented sighs stand at attention and stare at you angrily; accusingly; for depriving them another moment of proud display)