boredom's excess

and nocturnal melancholy, and accidental treasures

fluffy post exam stuff

pardon the rambling really. it clears my mind and passes the time. i was reading through the recent archival entries in sarah's blog when one of her posts caught my eye; a cs module she took had a writing assignment: to do a self-intro in 10 sentences. and i thought hers was really good! so i am going to give it a shot. here goes nothing!

i enjoy literature and the art of writing very much. i am fascinated by the intricacies of life that can be equally beautiful and disastrous in their minuteness. i have no religion; i believe in a universal goodness and truth that spans across all faiths. i think that anamorphosis is a notion that can be applied to all spheres of life, and that it is the entailing complexity that results in convenient oversimplification in the form of stereotypes and extremism. i hope to be able to help the needy in ways that can empower them and bring smiles to their faces. i admire people who hold true faith and have passion in whatever they do. i am attracted to men who are intelligent, insightful, and introverted. i appreciate strong beauty in women; strength of character and individuality are much sexier than mere feminity. i have great enthusiasm in whatever i do. i believe that every experience has great learning opportunities. i believe in true love.

3.12am...still bored and awake! ah

this is not goodbye she said

(it is just time for me to rest my head)

post-exam inactivity can be rather jarring. after monday's se meeting, there better be whole loads of things to do. in the meantime the prata in my bulging tummy prances around in the spacious enclosure. my fats they pool like pancake dough.

lolita is quite a stunning read, and i'm taking a surprising long time to go through it. capturing the friedmans first opened my eyes to the possibilities of pedophile tendencies, and thus far into the novel, i have almost come to acknowledge on a personal level the sexual eroticism of child pornography. perhaps the entire idea of corrupting innocence is just transgressively kinky.

a few minutes ago i lamented in the mirror how like a wan vampiress i look like without makeup and nicely arranged hair. having a bao face is just troublesome sometimes, really. and then i walked into the kitchen and on the table was the picture of the female lawyer who was killed in india.

earlier today, while buying mineral water and fruitips candy, i saw her picture upside down. the newspapers were arranged facing the cashier and her story was headline news.

how fragile the life we hold in our hands like trembling butterflies. and yet, and yet.

an apparent occupational hazard of being a nurse is information overload on all the possible ways human beings can die. hui min told me this afternoon about a man who had been admitted for gastric flu and had a silent heart attack 45 minutes later, and subsequently died. a nurse on duty discovered that he had collapsed by chance, when she noticed his chest was not moving. contrary to the hospital shows, resuscitation can be carried out for a very long time, until the doctor orders a halt.

in her training days, hui min had been present at the end of the 3 hours of a futile resuscitation of a primary 5 son of a nursing staff. he had been knocked down by a car while crossing the road to the hospital with his mother. the medical team did not stop trying to revive him for 3 hours.

while i am sorry for the loss of the singaporean lady who died in the political strife, i think it should not be grieved alone, for so many others, also wives, husbands, daughters, and sons, have ceased to breathe in unintended or misinformed sacrifice for causes which could have been much better reconstrued.

to help out with the upcoming ove and se efforts are still activities of interest to me because i am essentially operating in my comfort zone with relevant contacts and experiences to draw from. i don't wholly believe in a religion. with all my heart i keep faith in the goodness of man, and yet this is coloured gray by the different lives we all lead. i hope i can be of meaningful help to these projects i embark on. i know it is better to concentrate on these than waste time feeling fat and fugly and pitiful, i just need to start doing something.

with every step we take we learn a little more about ourselves and this earth we inhabit. i really hope to respect all my experiences and turn them into strength that can be used to empower others. there is a silver lining in every cloud, it's a matter of how big the cloud's expanse and relatively how thick the lining is.

i wish i could say wholeheartedly that i want the dreams of having my family whole and intact and happy to cease. humanly humans, such fatal ambiguity. sigh

love; charity; respect

the fact that my uncle wants to cancel the transaction that will allow my family to remain in our humble home is really not that great a deal. he does not mean much to us and i should not veto his right to disregard, oh, only the rest of our lives which will be pinned down paying money for medical bills for a mother who was never really there. it is really okay. we have each other. you want our throats. i totally dig that.

i think it is just tragic how the pain and suffering of others are used as a backdrop to your wonderful(ly fluffy and useless) life, really. professing (questionable) sorrow amounts to a grand total of essential worthlessness. especially so since the convenient "this makes me cherish my life so much" and subsequent chanting of a day which is really the same as the one before, and the one before, and. a surprise! the one before too.

but who am i to speak ill, when i cannot think of anything to do to meaningfully help these people stuck in a political strife streaked with the blood of extremism.

how fatal the love that there are those like us who see sense and put faith in the justification of death, and how tragic the normalisation of suffering that has been present for time long enough that it is seen as the status quo, and thus more easily ignored.

there are those who live on less than US$1 daily, and others that spend US$20 million to go to the moon.

WSC just won itself the President's Social Service Award in recognition for its contribution to social awareness and charitable efforts. but what is really being recognised here? heritage, legacy, tradition. each year, the same projects and efforts will be churned out in accordance to the model as years before. it is all the more difficult to break out of the mold when people take unjustified pride in their minute roles holding up the status quo without giving heed to how this existing strength can be pushed farther. instead we stay on as worker ants and inflate our egos with the air of unfounded pride and transient glory. thus is the spirit of volunteerism gradually hardened into the commercialised institution of self-gratification.

"wah, you go overseas to help ah? it is very good of you. so now you cherish your life more right?"

yes, i do. who gives a flying fuck about whether i truly helped the people there for real and for life, right?

and no. i have not.

the last 3 minutes of the hours plays for the 6th time

female depression; agony; loneliness
they fascinate me.
surely, there is nothing else
more truthful
more poetic
more entrancing

the hours

Leonard, always
the years between
us
always the years. always the love
always; the hours

Without Blood - Alessandro Baricco

We have turned over the earth so violently that we have reawakened the savagery of children.

cheese, love

with all of film's incompletion and commercial interests, some stories remain as moving as before. say cheese, love, from the cliches your smile will shine

tinkling tunes that twirl you in a senseless haven

muted dreambeats and synthesised heartsongs

i think i realised what the best way; indeed, the only, to help snowman is. although the prospects of starting from ground zero at which people scorn at your sincerity, thoughts, and possibly even worth, is an extremely frightening one.

of course, the converse would be to live the life that is coloured only by consumerism, socialising, and general self-gratification. and with all my narcissism and selfishness, it is not the life i would like to have. not with a family like that, not with a boyfriend who's such.

it seems the stars have aligned through a really strange turn of events. and hell no way we are going to be people they will forget.

Ignite Change (it actually gives me the shivers just to type the words after so long. too long)

log

the walt disney company will be my attachment firm. (which means that no, spe networks is not)

it's a beautiful day

when the stars all shine your way
it's a beautiful day
oh if only they would stay
and not leave now the sky's all gray
where you gonna make your way
you were the one who walked away
now there's no one left with whom to say
we are forever your piao-ow-ways
how now brown cow. ay

in the big men's world

"aiya, people steal, sure got company one mah! similar financial status kind, loh!"

there are times i am reminded of my only true responsibility, my need for success.. if only to protect my family from the insulting assumptions and stabbing words of despicable beings. i want my family to never ever have to hear such words again.

i can sincerely say that i genuinely wish you a long, long life of pain and loneliness.

thetwirlstheyunravel

was the best i could come up with for a new blog address. i wanted a precedent to andbreathedreams, but still. hardly the most reader-friendly chunk of alphabets when put together. if only urls allow for italics and punctuations:

the twirls (they unravel)

looks so much better don't you think and OMFG what am i doing media management is in 15 hours and i haven't gotten down to proper reading yet. i must be mad (i must be post-accounting paper delirious)

daddy dj and shitting my pants

after the exams i will DANCE MY ASS OFF
(in the meantime i'm so freaked i'm shitting my pants)

"i will not possess your heart"

with imagination, anything is possible. even your love
i will not let you let me down so easily

the tingling sensation when the song you searched for finally plays

of pimples and cellulite

because my tiny brain goes into overdrive every exam, my face will model itself miraculously into the likeness of a landmine and my ass and legs will imitate a hot air balloon. with all this overwhelming activity, my intellectual capacity exponentially plummets and i am left with a page's worth of absorption and comprehension ability. that is to say, vastly none.

accounting is on monday. note to self: when making stunning decisions like taking up a subject that theorises another that you have not touched in 3 years, PLEASE RECONSIDER. or do it when there is no stunning module that demands a minimum of 100 hours weekly.

phase 2 has started. 146 people got places in phase 1 but i shall not rant, i will remember and take heed that there are many ways to perceive matters. axn asia here i come if you will take me.

to date i have consumed 1 tub of butter cookies, 2 sara lee cakes, 2 oreo tubes, 1 big bag of chipster, 6 kitkats, 4 toblerones, 1 packet of peanut butter cookies, 1 packet of toacker's, 7 packets of cheese crackers, 1 roll of digestive biscuits, and 10 packets of instant noodles. that excludes the 4 daily meals i have. and yes gloria the hippo in madagascar is actually me cameo.

we who Shine

junejune this is how much i miss you ok.
HAHA loves

following my 9 year old self's diary writing format

Dear Dairy,

I really feel like eating Macdonald's Hotcakes with Sausage Breakfast Extra Value Meal. And I really think that the new Mega McSpicy is just the old Double McSpicy so the extra $2 they are charging is really unjustified, but I ate it anyway because I miss Double McSpicy. And Media Management sucks and Felix Soh should have his ass burned for lying about uploading his slides. And Phase 2 of Internship applications opens at 10am later. And I am very touched by June's text and Erwin's Facebook status. And I am not very good at conveying my gladness so I hope they know. And I am very glad for friends, and I hope everybody has a good friend and a good night.

Ok Bye Bye!
Chng Bee Hwee
3rd year at NTU
(Go to Boon Lay MRT Station. From Boon Lay MRT Station must take 179 or 179A if is peak hours if not just go to 179)

"surprise!"

this is why the sash should stay

another unpoetic one

intertextuality:neil gaiman,facebook,hindsight,blogger,stomach cramps,frosties,michelle branch,and oh where was my mind the horror the horror

it is a daily ritual for me. i will check my hotmail account, my ntu webmail account, facebook, and friends' blogs.

monday night. erwin and i pleaded our way to a few stolen hours of editing to correct the minor error in the mov version of our film. and then of course naturally nothing personal it's all just a sad joke, the audio for our actual film to be shown ONLY the next day was screwed. shagged, crazy hair, haywire facial muscles screwed. mutilated screwed.

and thus ensued the craziest bout of editing i had ever done, the fastest i've heard erwin speak in avidtalk, probably for the rest of our lives. and we thought that was the worst of it.

at approximately 12.15am, i deleted the entire visual sequence.

you know when people say how joy, sorrow, anger immobilises them? i declare all such bullshit. because there is nothing, NOTHING that compares to fear. nada. zilch. uh uh, your flowers, fresh or wilted, do not even come close to pure fear. it's like an acohol-allergic downing a BATHTUB of chivas 18yo whiskey (the foulest liquid to pass my lips i swear).

this paragraph is dedicated to erwin in respect for his undoubtedly greater shock and immobility. looking at me delete sequence after sequence must put him off mouse clicks this life and the next, i fathom.

so. our film was screened in class today, erwin's blog says the audio was fine though i have to admit the whole thing seemed as skewed as the first time i watched it, i can never watch a zombie film the same way again HOW DID YOU DO IT MY GOODNESS ME YOU ARE GENIUSES HOW DO YOU TALLY EACH GROAN AND SNARL MY MY MY -

this friday i am meeting erwin again for the final touch-ups and exporting of the mov version. GAHD i hope i never see him again. and trust me it's not mutual. it's hugely skewed. i only cringe when i see him but he, like, pukes when he sees me. sigh

Strange Little Girls - Neil Gaiman

Strange
There are a hundred things she has tried to chase away the things she won't remember and that she can't even let herself think about because tht's when the birds scream and the worms crawl and somewhere in her mind it's always raining a slow and endless drizzle.

You will hear that she has left the country, that there was a gift she wanted you to have, but it is lost before it reaches you. Late one night the telephone will sing, and a voice that might be hers will say something that you cannot interpret before the connection crakles and is broken.

Several years later, in a taxi, you will see someone in a doorway who looks like her, but she will be gone by the time you persuade the driver to stop. You will never see her again.

Whenever it rains you will think of her.