if perhaps maybe possibly probably

what are the odds? papa is a taxi driver, hui min is a nurse. we'd probably be the first to die. if so, let 29th april be the date people refer to and say, ah, this was when the deceased first blogged about her possible demise.

i could probably deal well enough with dying, but if that entails a prior witnessing of my family's slow suffering, i don't really think i will take it very well.

we can buy masks and kill people who have flu and kill all the pigs in the world and there'll be something else that ails us. oh my goodness gracious me is there no hope for the world?

if we are all eventually confined to our homes, i will miss the luxury of contemplating holding your hand;

hello you, let's be in love, do!

green grass happy rainbows and no more pain. i hope this awaits us at an other side that actually does exist. either that, or blissful oblivion. none of the half fucked immobile physicality and overactive mind things please.

it is strangely exciting to be living in such a point in the human race. maybe we will soon discover firsthand if it is truly true that advanced civilisations as ours existed and perished before, when we go into the dark night.

but, we all have promises to keep
and miles to go, before we can embrace death as sleep

absolutely the foremost favourite

i need to dance. latin. again.

Need. To.

cha cha

self-fulfilling prophecy

wow. i guess happy days have payback right. i love how unintended offhand observations just remind me what a fucked up mind i have and just how far away i am from you.

goodnight nobody

crimson nails and blood red sighs

in an other world tonight i am dancing my life away
and you, my muse, you are too.

Jump (Radio Edit) - Madonna

good morning

boy boy's team beat anglican high school for the first time in four years yesterday by 29 points. dunman is 3rd in nationals basketball championships. yesterday was also dunman secondary's speech day, at which boy boy received prizes for top in d&t, combined humanities, combined sciences, and a maths, and top in standard. :)

armchair philosophy

just returned from ashok's surprise farewell party at blooeis and had dory fillet with tons of some unknown cream gravy and nachos with sour cream and fat fries sprinkled generously with chilli powder. at least, the ones i took, i took care to ensure they were all smothered in the powder.

ashok's crazy fan club and a crazy mtv and a tribute video and a crazy fan showcase with at least fifty thousand pictures of him plastered on caps shades drink packets disposable underwear pajamas fans figurines fans soft toys cushions.

i will miss him.

i think i consumed too much cream and sat too long in moving vehicles, i feel slightly nauseous.

in other news, i had a really horrifying nightmare last night in which i singlehandedly caused michelle to be bashed up and almost stripped in public, while about five meters away i was being slapped and raped, both of these being done by insanely huge guys. and all we wanted to do was to go home and all i could hear were her screams and cries.

really makes one wonder what stuff dreams are made of. and why they seem so much more real at night.

sunday is ashok's farewell bbq with the department people, and others he has worked with in disney. i saw his eyes fill up while the videos were playing just now, and i thought - how much of your heart you have put in, that so many pay tribute to your contribution and that you are moved by these recollections.

he kissed me on the cheek. i have never been kissed on the cheek by anyone other than mingyang since for ever. i was rather stunned. haha. in the department of western social..greetings, i have much to get used to.

i'm just waiting for my hair to dry and bored. i would refrain from talking so much, only i think the chocolate cupcake and the chocolate i got from hui juan and the soft drinks and the cream from the nachos and dory fillet and fries are getting to my head. can't stop rambling. stop it. Stop It. STOP IT

ok stopped

accidentally, in love

Life is Wonderful - Jason Mraz

eulogy (an overactive imagination, boredom, and missy higgins unplugged)

you were my only vertigo
but you're gone, you're gone, you're gone, you're gone

Late Fragment - Raymond Carver

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.

So Damn PINK

yi ge highlighter

michelle helped me dye my hair for the first time in my life. now my hair is brown and i have a hot pink dress. go figure. zomg

dictation

Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their death bury their parents' strife.
The fearful passage of their death-mark'd love,
And the continuance of their parents' rage,
Which, but their children's end, nought could remove,
Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

Missy Higgins - Warm Whispers LIVE - Missy Higgins

Wensheng

we were born with nothing and shall depart with nothing except the love that has endured through time.

muse

blind - lifehouse

i would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like it was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

after all this while
would you ever wanna leave it
maybe you could not believe it
that my love for you was blind
but i couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it - that
i loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when i let you go

and i loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me dies when i let you
go

fraught

the doctor had made a wrong incision and she will die in a few minutes. she sits up suddenly, her hospital gown already sodden with blood, hysterical with anger. this must be the last few minutes of sudden clarity they speak of in books, i think. she stands up and starts scaring the living shit out of everyone. i stare at the floor for a few moments, then stand up and go off in search of her.

hallelujah, hallelujah...hallelujah, hallelujah, i sing as i step towards her slowly. she turns towards me and i go forward to embrace her. we walk together towards the viewing mall, now at the airport, and look out towards the vehicles.

i tell her about how amazing it is that within each vehicle whizzing past is a person in love, and how each person asleep in each house is loved, is the source of love, for an other. she is silent - i finish my monologue and start singing another song. halfway through it, she leaves the arm i draped around her skinny shoulders and silently walk away.

i continue looking out out of the glass panel and finish singing the song

good morning

surely, everything being a matter of perception along a spectrum of possibilities, there is an extreme - a most so, and a least so.

and surely, the most spastic way to wake up has got to be how i did today. last night, mingyang and i talked from 1am to 4am about the possibilities of conspiracy theory and how there might be some seriously stunning engineering by way of purposeful planning in events aimed at reducing the global population.

regarding this, there is (as always in cases of deluded individuals and eventually proven right advocates alike) an immense body of information from which a possible case stems. but. the fact is - this planet is overpopulated by man.

the fact is, that genetically modified food is not healthy for us. the fact is, that economics is skewed in its very oligopoly by corporations, and thus by a few people. and the fact is, that whether or it is true our demise are being planned as you speak and as i type and sniffle and as my beloved brother snores, it truly is time for us to rethink the way we are living our lives.

anyway. so i was dreaming that i had a friend who had finally dared to go into a relationship with a guy she really and truly liked a lot, and she had gone to the airport to study with him. her uptight dad found out and flipped like yi ge spastic roti prata, and was in my kitchen scolding the shit out of me for orchestrating the devastation of his daughter's innocence, as he put it.

and i gave this really long, whiny, self-righteous, indignant monologue about how there is always more than one way to look at things, and how he should never allow his fear and love for his daughter be the reason that she does not get to live her life, yada yada bla bla,

and in the midst of speaking, i was so worked up, so animated, so angry, that i woke myself up with the indignance.

oh my god.

usually, my first utterance each morning is a groan at having to wake up. today, the moment i open my eyes (my mouth actually feeling dry from dream speaking), i said in my normal voice - not even the just woke up pseudo sexy one -

you gotta be kidding me.

so we talked all night about the rest of our lives

acoustic songs and long ago tunes that resonate for another night. loud, lone, stronger than is possibly possible.

do you think of me, sometimes, the way i think of you?

in shallow waters

i'm up to my ankles and drowning.
i haven't spoken or smiled at all and there is no reason for me not to (there is no reason for me to)

low rise jeans

i'm in a state of suspension, cannot seem to wade through the sludge of last night's dreams fast enough to appreciate the fullness and entirety of my presence here in office. there are 2 months left to be working here. i just rejected a tuition assignment cause i've no wish to travel to hougang every saturday morning. i have things to do and my jeans are too low on my ass, but i'd rather deal with the cold air on my skin than stand up and adjust the jeans. it'd go back down anyway.

in mingzhi's story, the ghost returns after 2 years to haunt the people. my overactive imagination has already finished constructing a poetic backlash of my role. maybe i'll do a harry potter and haunt my future self. rocks socks curry poks.

sing, sing sing sing sing sing

your stunningness

today, i walked through heavy rain to reach erwin's office for the edit. i must have looked like a jitao stunningly sight. and then i left early to help mingzhi the basket act as a ghost. the irony, I Know. makeup comprised of almost all the works; eyeshadow, liquid eyeliner, and face paint. i also had a red line across my neck cause i hanged myself to death. pseudo blood trailing from both eyes and both sides of my lips. dark eye circles included. i'm semi freaked just recalling it. goodness gracious me..with all my pompous literary pretensions, horror just paralyses me, really. oh my goodness. no more, no more!

salve

a momentary respite from the raging turbulence i did not know existed.

it really is not that i believe nobody would understand; more that, for your sake, i hope you don't.

crevice

it is like a sole crevice on an otherwise, generally, untarnished face. this single fissure whose tendrils of pain are almost melodic in their very minuteness. and then you reach down and realise that the crevice opens into a boundless cavern, and all your screams echo and double back to deafen you.

there is no loneliness when there is this agony. and you do what anyone with any semblance of interest in their sanity would do.

you fervently, frantically, feverishly stuff it with everything else except the one thing that will fill it.

(truth)