apocalypticalitycism

lee wee nam library. the ceiling architecture is nice, really like the intersectting beams. there are so many lights here, like eternal sunshine, while others die elsewhere. suddenly - what would the world have become when this place is dark and lit by the odd ray of cold sunlight, and only very few alive, crouching and scattering silent and scared. the place below the tables between the rows of computers i will, only then, appreciate because crawling through it i would hide from the monsters and thereby stay alive a few moments more.

can i just say

ntu has fucking a lot of books and i wish i could begin undergraduate life over and read all of them. like seriously.

in hope of salvation

hello.

i am frightened of many things. when i am frightened (and i am frightened of many things) i will scratch the underside of and between my toes, the back of my neck, and i will hit my head. i do not fancy people seeing scars on me and i am frightened of knowing for sure i am mad so i do not do anything more drastic. people who dare to hurt themselves properly are much braver than i am, i have no overwhelming hysteria only this fright. scratching eases the fright.

when i am frightened i also cry a lot. i cry enough to give many children water to drink. if all resources were controlled by a benign insightful higher being everyone would have fair share of aircon and cupcakes. mongolia is gorgeous and the people are struggling to survive. if my fright could mitigate unfairness the world would be a very fair place. such transference is unfortunately not possible.

zomg, and for fear of no memories of everyday uni life

hello world

this morning i came to school to do work and had 3 blog entries to make up for missing last week's, then met emma for lunch at canteen b and then to school for docu, tech& env tutorial. we decided that she would skip her final lecture so we can go to the joint hall bazaar together at 6pm at north spine open plaza. during the 2 hour break in between, we came to the advanced computer lab (nothing advanced except 16:9 monitor) to do work.

and i was making a list of all the social media websites and all the screenings thus far, to start writing and hopefully kickstart brain so can decide what to do, then start proper research tomorrow morning while studying with nabila at the benches.

then i realised what a kickass topic there was to write about, by far surpassing my original, boring idea of cohesion through chaos. conceptual derivation of meaning that necessitates participation and thereby through initial comprehension there is also social action..! i know right. absolute love.

and what better choices, really, than the evil series (jun brought this up towards the end of the class) and rmb city (which koonyen is writing on)? perfect perfect match. i think i have never gushed more about intellectual relevance. recently.

anyway like oh my god seriously this is like as perfect as cookies with chocolate chips and macadamias and a good book and iced water AND a great couch, AND a quiet place that is ALSO cool AND has sporadic, beautiful people walking past, AND situated right at the doorstep of every single crush in the entire 22 years so they have no choice but to walk past you and since it's rush hour they cannot pretend to not see you so they have to say hi really slowly, each and every last morsel of their delectable selves.

yes, that perfect.

so in all mental rah-rah-ness i went to rmb city to check out what background research and understanding i have to do. then, disaster struck.

there are ten million things to read. repeat after me: ten, million, things. and the paper is due this friday and i have the second draft of fyp report to churn before thursday and there is no way i can do this atop the pending lit paper due and catching up on readings and jogging with mingyang and giving tuition.

life sucks.

stupid people stupefy me,

an age-old chant that is offensive and defensive alike.

except, this surface i scoff at - window or mirror?

take my breath away

you

zip and unzip

can you imagine how easily unpeeled you become when you start typing like you wrote in each of your childhood diaries? unspeakable horror and vulnerability. but so short this life who knows when it will end, what if nobody ever ever knows you, written off like sand.

chinese new year this year is with a tinge of sour. it is honestly objectively amusing to be calling out to a gone person while burning insane amounts of folded paper, then contemplating how to politely reject a red packet hours later. hello happy new year sorry ah me no hongbao this year.

family is balm. cousins only see annually, always glad to bask in laughter and sister's insane photography sprints (really, no other words to describe). and i am old enough to appreciate her chronicling. absolutely hilarious.

everything also fear. after the third futile intellectual probing in 2 days, i finally was spent enough to just say why i need to reschedule things. it is unbelievable how many little lies i have told to the million people that have demanded my follow-up untruths, and this one time i am truly grossed out to the pit of my stomach and say the truth, there is acceptance. grudging or not, is still so. so. small things don't know how to explain immense gratitude, shall not attempt.

snowball downhill is the best 2 words to describe love life. always troublemaker, but miserable problem solver. like you said if you were strong nothing would be wrong, but i am not strong enough to be strong for you. it is really just very confusing why i cannot just rise to the occasion and be. just be. like you know. theorise everything so damn zai, when it comes to application just cui. indications of failure abound. mahjong bridge othello - if have to employ people next time i will be sure to only choose those who thrive on games. writing is bullshit. i should know, i'm good at it. and nothing else. the more i age the more i know i am nought. just a none, really.

think about it. what have i ever really achieved, who have i really led, there is none. i don't even have the answers to your questions, i don't even have a solution to your problem. i cannot even remain calm to maximise my pea abilities. the working world will be nightmare beyond comparison. everything, everything is dread. enough dread to be relieved for this oncoming headache because at least it is a problem that i can solve.

words; woven

gotta go to maternal grandmother's place tmr after ritual at cemetery and ritual at temple to say hi.

"safe but internet-less" and other antidotes

how to say, hustle and bustle till bones break makes the nights slightly easier

sheer bulk

come to think of it, it is actually genuinely daunting a task to seek out each and every perspective in the world. i mean, genocide and wars and discrimination and starvation poverty inequity and all that jazz would be so much more difficult to stomach.

and staying here in this bauble with various bubbles of laughter and tears, i can hardly imagine looking out for so many people at once.

there wasn't a discussion about the witness website this week in tutorial. that is a waste, i would have loved to know which videos my classmates chose to view, and when, and why, and what effects the videos had on them.

i remember being disappointed when the video on child prostitution did not have tragic music, slow motion, and extreme close ups of the grieving mother who was also half-blind, and a veteran beggar. and then the horror that i would actually judge the sorrow value by production values. after all, if one has no money to clothe or feed oneself, one can hardly be expected to have boom mics and fcp under the rag which is also blanket.

a very sophisticated skill we have picked up from industrialisation and technological innovation is nonchalance. don't care the children in africa/mexico/cambodia/india, don't care the women in middle east/china, don't care the animals, don't care the trees. too many things to think about no space in heart for more love.

like that how to deserve salvation. how how how how how

ah,

you

uncritical mass

everything also okay okay okay
never think didn't thought won't be thinking thoughts
only, knee jerk after knee jerk after knee, jerk

christianity. if i join i will instantly have ten million friends to sing songs hold hands with. if only it were easy, ha!

i pity my groupmates. i do.

big bang in my bedroom tonight, booze and videos and en the hui and share cab go home wash off makeup grab rest for Long Day on sunday.

bye bye

search engine for the soul

boolean this

head heart tooth ache
no more tears.

notes for sanity

1. don't look at production stills for a film named the funeral at night