clinical pragmatism

the flurry of learning is accelerating. the mass of wisdom and the immensity of my ignorance are equally amazing. here are the more painful lessons thus far: i am really rather mean and heartless, and personal assistant means yes i have to care about what people think about whether i sound (insert physical effort to not roll eyes to bedok and beyond) too task-oriented. (like seriously, do your damn work and stop being emo like a bloody teenager)

wells, blue bells cockle shellz.

sit and sit and sit on every essay like a duck. each writing is quite clearly a chunk of my very minimal soul. painful like anything to extract and slower than a sloth.

the working world consists of three type of people: the whiners, the hollow shells, and the marginally insane (from dealing with both).

cannot be bothered anymore, really. the world is fascinating, but people are just underwhelming.

i'm sure you heard it before

"forgive and forget, before i am paralysed"
crystalised: the xx

the office people are all-rounders to an uncanny extent. they listen to obscure music and know all the mainstream stars, check out fringe blogs and new york times simultaneously, play games and have finished reading titles i have never heard of, oh and they memorised every single shakespearean work that ever existed. i am not even kidding.

eugene's passing is saddening. the last time i saw him, a week ago at gary's studio, he announced to everyone that heather just accepted his porposal. when i danced with him, i remember making a mistake, forgetting to turn, and we laughed about it. i know death tends to influence people to attribute disproportionate levels of general qualities to them by virtue of the cessation of their existence, and i am aware that my blurred vision from watching the video of the salsa practice is purely circumstantial and hardly the best encapsulation of eugene, and i am incapable of ignoring them.

"i still want to drown whenever you leave.
please teach me gently how to breathe"
shelter: the xx

there are 2 friends i sorely, sorely miss, and whom i cannot contact for different circumstantial reasons. if push came to shove, these reasons would not matter, but i am standing still and barely breathing, and you are nowhere near, and i can hardly call to you again, thus things are so.

ambient

after awhile, all chatter fades into the walls. your utterances become typographical wallpaper, beautiful scribbles as pretty as your face. i must apologise for my bad complexion and sore throat, more than the stark silence because that obviously affects you less. some days, i feel like i might be beautiful inside, i wish it showed on the outside. strange music and hidden gems of books are my new muses. you are no longer a preoccupation, goodbye, farewell, now we bid adieu

a nanny complex

it is disarming to continually face circumstances in which people i care for go through turmoil that i can be of absolutely no help of. words matter little, concern washes away like unwanted rain, and company is incidental aid at best.

is the stuff of love songs so ephemeral and unattainable as to be laughable? you are safe in my heart, my heart will go on and on,
and on. and so forth. doesn't seem to help anything. those most glad and comfortable are those who are coming to terms with the fallacy of relationships.

this has been a bad week. lost phone, bought june's used iphone, got bombed by stunning news, scolded for not doing work properly, made a bad move and spent money i don't have on a phone that is not needed cause june's iphone started working. didn't read options properly and erased all data from the iphone. i cannot rid my futile and ineffective nanny complex. this is a mess.