19th April - FYP Presentation Day

brace yourself for a zoom-in-on-pores kind of detail. i want to remember today i really want to.

greeted by the sight of tables at porch (porch?), justin & group in formal wear. first few butterfly wings fluttered. must remind self to stop looking at floor walking, was first thought when walking past tutorial rooms 1 & 2. wedges making the reassuring kok kok sound. benches area already populated with fellow year 4s in various degree of formality. the sight of fahimah & fariza was balm. familiarity. sold tshirts with erwin & koonyen, they went to watch the screening in the LT. jessie came, we sold some tshirts. did the stupid visa dance on the bench with fahimah, best de-stresser in the world.

weiwei, yinyin, and joyce. haven't seen joyce the chengs in at least 1 eon. struck me again, we converse, or at least i do, much more intelligently via texts. i should just jump into paper and be an essay. talk also stutter (more about that later). chengs is tiny. she proclaims her face is fat but i have run out of synonyms, if you peer at yourself 1mm from the mirror how tiny can you be, really. aiya. say people pretty they don't believe one. mingyang agrees too but not like you will believe right xiao hong. haha. ok la. next.

post-lunch. pictures with people, then i realise i don't have many more friends than when i entered the school. as in, other than maybe 5 people i probably won't keep in touch with people. what a far cry from jc. fyp supposed to make friends but i don't think they want to be my friend. objectively speaking.

presentation is stunning. zimmermann as always came up with some damn far out concept about ours being brechtian. jitao stun. nikki said, say yes. we said, yesss. lol. it was insightful to have kym campbell too, his take on the graphics and all put things into perspective. nikki and zimmermann disagreed on the acting style. i see it as more of an application problem. you apply auteur theory on a film, also can, you apply textual analysis, also can, each and both give value in different ways. but oh well my confidence is damn sky high right. haha. didn't say anything. stammered during self-introduction. m-my name is bee hwee *lookz at floorz* i-i wa sin charge of er aud-audio in post production and wa-wardrobe etc. how do i summarise this. i sounded pitifully pathetic enough that nikki gave me a reassuring look. how bout that, ranger. morphin' time into a toad. but they liked it. i am way glad. and way proud of my groupmates, well done!

pictures pictures pictures. mass picture, then someone started singing auld lang syne. i have no friends and i belted it out like celine dion. ok more like saline dory. oh well. instinctive herding tendencies from npcc and odac. i just like people la. they make me sad and so i say i don't but really i do.

tompang jessie's cab to bukit batok wanna go yishun take stuff, then i remembered gotta hand in lit essay. fuckfuckfuck take cab back because is 4pm and angela is damn anal, i heard, about deadlines. sianz. so much for saving money there goes my saved lunch money. saw nadia faiz naz at cati lab. last. said bye to cathy and colleen. some people ah sometimes i think eh if we were friends would it have been fun, too late to ponder except here. blisters starting to form by the time i reach hss, fucking downward slope. shouldn't have worn heels la dammit. but wouldn't have done it any other way. special mah. zui hou liao. i really like angela, she tolerates my onslaught of babble like it is actually halfway logical. well. i sincerely hope, for both our sakes, my essay is decent. i really like the topic and truly tried to simplify it this time. and did a mountain of research that i can spout architectural theories on culture and socialisation. can. kao.

train to khatib. toes dying. seat at cck - chiong. exhausted, sleep. ding dong, khatib. alight. rain. overhead bridge. bang head on fucking hard tv who the fuck hangs tv so fucking low. blinded, stand still. fucking pain. prima deli peanut butter and butter waffle. ten tons of perspiration, shower. remove makeup use renewal gel use facial wash use body foam use towel wear comfy clothes. pack clothes. so muchhh. too heavy unpack some. pack shoes. take notebook. bus takes five lifetimes to reach.

long, long, peaceful bus ride, play songs on low volume - cannot find earphones - long, long bus ride in the rain. and i think, how apt. how apt that i spend these few precious hours alone, riding the 179 bus out of ntu for the last time in a school day, and alone, and then this insanely long bus ride with rain outside and darkening sky and other passengers are quiet too. i wouldn't have it any other way. really.

a deep breath, one sigh.