decade old ballads and solitary bus rides

(in reply to grace's tag on facebook)

1. i have learnt that people can always be judged by their actions alone, if convenience is more important than true understanding.

2. there are many types of love, and which can be experienced with different people, often simultaneously like the simultaneity of time.

3. with reference to 2, all attempts at garnering all forms of love are at one's own risk, and sometimes burnt fingers can hurt more than often thought.

4. every step in my life has shaped who i am today, and i am not exactly sure if i would wish myself a complete, normal, happy family.

5. because of the perversity, i have paid in kind with many tears and many sleepless nights.

6. i have days when i feel intelligent and attractive and intriguing (these are few)

7. there are things and people and times i miss, of which i dont know if i should speak. but i do, i do miss you

8. i have ocd in the form of necessary ritual completion.

9. i lay on my stomach and slide my feet against each other to lull myself to sleep.

10. i hold my sister's hand when i have nightmares, and it comforts me.

11. i despise people with silver spoons in their mouths and who lead fluffy lives. but money talks, so i shall limit my comments to this blog.

12. mingyang is the only person for whom i have even begun to consider reconsidering my decision to not marry. (12 = 4 + 8 = 4 + 4x2)

13. i really like waraku's salmon and iko cream, recommended by june.

14. junejune is my favourite friend.

15. sometimes i imagine i can dance really beautifully and will twirl your most intimate tale, one that moves you and stays with you, and gives you comfort in your darkest hours and tugs at your heartstrings in times of pain. the memory will shush your screams and take so much out of you that you wonder if anything is really left.

16. i love the poetry that life can be.

picture a hall full of people

who smile at you and ask you about you and talk to you
and comfort you and encourage you and accompany you
and they sing all 5000 of them sing to you

"broken hearts, broken lives
He will take you in"

and almost there is an inkling of hope that you may well be one of them
if only, faith is about self-gratification: you sigh and reluctantly trudge onwards in the eternal search for that elusive truth that may turn out to be transient, and if it is? what if it is not? and what if it is?

http://andbreathedreams.blogspot.com/2008/12/for-you-my-dear.html

let me tell you of a love

that is so fragile, so lyrical
so vast in its splendour and drama
so sad, and so beautiful
so cliched, even contrived;
that it can only be true


My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion

turn into something beautiful

you know, for you i'd bleed myself dry
(for you i'd bleed myself dry)

i remember i forget

azian, ellia, fifa, firdaus, nabila & i were in the same class, 04s30 in tpjc.
wani was in the class too.
the myanmar children whom i met in ocip during jc, who cut the paper patterns and each chose to give one of theirs to me, and the paper patterns remain in my rusty purple metal coin box.
the laos children who drew animals and me, and gave me their drawings, which are inside my digital camera pouch.
my friends who have stepped into their very own whirlwinds while i have been revelling in mine.
the time when huimin stepped into the mrt too early and was the only one who got in while boyboy, mama, and me remained outside.
sambal porridge with michelle.
papa's habit of tucking his tshirt into his berms.
holding my siblings' hands while we cross the road together.

good morning world

school holiday mornings alone in school are always chilly and sluggish and mostly silent.

good morning, world

for you my dear

happy birthday, mingyang.

thank you for your love and
even though sometimes (everytime) it sucks that you know me too well
i am truly humbled by the purity of your love, and i hope that one day i will learn to love you properly, the way you deserve.

in the meantime please accept the semblance of love i have for you,
b

p.s. i'm sorry that i cannot upload the pictures, your phone does not have the bluetooth function. lol.

in my field of paper flowers

and candy clouds of lullaby; i lie
inside myself for hours
and watch my purple sky fly over me
:imaginary - evanescence

pretty pretty people and other elusive societies

a lazy swirl of sexy smoke from the enclave of slightly pouting lips, and long, thin fingers caressing the cigarette like this; like that

as i begin to lose my grip
on this reality
:black black heart

427 is overexposed and defocused compared to what i'm doing now. (erwin: LOL) 4 full days of filming consecutively, and counting. and if we do join the citibank thing, i can just repack my wardrobe to foreground the cui filming attires alr. (again! again!)

i feel strangely superior to pretty people in their fluffy existence, but as mingyang says, who am i to condescend, when i am myself far from any ideal i have constructed? no matter, no matter

maybe i hold on so determinedly to my hurt because a bleeding heart fascinates me far more than a whole one

if you will pardon my stunted silence and easy tears; i have many sorrows and little strength, little sanity, to let go.

ah, late night melancholy, rainy seasons, and sad songs. dressing on this sorrow salad for you?

hate to love and love to hate her

;like a broken record player

she is going to die, and soon.

no matter what she has done, what if she is just in pain now and she just wants to see you and that's it?

every second she is living now is pain and punishment enough.

what if she just dies now, right now?

your friends are not lying on their deathbeds now. your mother is.

you said yourself that she has the will to live, that she cries and holds on so tightly to your hand in the (far too seldom) visits you pay her, her strength will wane one day, it already is waning

this is not poetry. this is fucking life ah. your mother is lying on hospital bed after hospital bed for the 8th year with a quarter of her skull gone and her legs thin and distorted as twisted broken wooden chopsticks and her right arm completely lifeless

"你到底要妈妈做什么你才肯原谅我"

My Sister, My Love - Joyce Carol Oates

(Please don't sneer: these casual words in Vassily's exotic English yet reverberate in the murky air of this squalid room on Pitts Street, New Brunswick, more than thirteen years later. Sure I know Vassily didn't mean it, not for a nanosecond, and yet! for those of us so rarely praised, even insincerity can touch the heart.)

Baby, I Stay In Love Wit' You

in tandem with the mainstream music i've been inundated with for the better part of my first hours of consciousness today; a what-i-did-today entry

the fatigue, sweat-soaked tshirt, tomato-red face, and exhausted panting remain fresh. and that was last year, from dan's crazyass tiring training for fusion. this morning saw the first training for next year's jdc fusion item; a lyrical hiphop piece this time.

discounting the fools the salsa people made of ourselves from lack of exposure to the stretching and choreography of hiphop, it was a fun practice and i am glad to have the chance to dance with people from such different dance backgrounds, again. i look forward to 15 march 2009 already. i think i will invite many people this time round, even huimin and boyboy. it will be nothing short of a shock for them to see their big jie doing the boogie when i am in inverted faded old tshirt/shorts at home. haha.

and seriously i never thought i'd be listening to mariah carey on repeat. ever.

hiphop is different from salsa partly from its narrative potential; rizal said that the story for the fusion item will be a two-timing guy (because there're not enough guys) with a girl is more demure and thus dances lyrical hiphop, and another who is hotter and naughtier who dances to more explosive music. incidentally, i am going to be one of the demure ones. strange stuff

ms khainu held her wedding reception today at eunos cc. she looked absolutely gorgeous in her dress and elaborate hairdo. the place was very well decorated and the food was good and i wish her many many years of happiness ahead.

there is much to do for se. i am heartened to see the enthusiasm of the juniors and i have much to learn from them too.

cont'd; monday 8 dec
i just looked through the lyrics for the song. total fluff.
busy busy weeks ahead.
thank goodness there should be nothing wrong with mingyang's heart, and thank goodness for the hdb stuff being most likely confirmed.

now i just have to figure out how to make lots and lots and lots of money