marriage is hot soup on a rainy day

this is running in the rain, half frozen and headed nowhere

finished writing mini notes, half of which don't make sense, drank half a cup of heaven&earth iced lemon tea, listened to vitamin c 25 times in a row. okay, okay, off to iron the clothes now..almost. sigh. this is so unfounded and so profound that i want to hyperventilate in laughter. goodnight.

old songs die hard

the first time i listened to vitamin c's "graduation (friends forever)" and cried, i was 12, about to graduate from primary school. i sat close to the radio and sniffled as softly as i could, feeling sure and certain that there would be no sadder farewell in my life.

the second time i listened to vitamin c's "graduation (friends forever) and cried, i was 13, attending the farewell party for the graduating batch of seniors from npcc. i felt sad for them because they were sad and crying, and it was like emotional projection.

rinse and repeat above for when i was 14 and 15.

the fifth time, i was 16, and graduating myself. i was sad, and sure, and certain, that i would never feel so belonged to a group of people, ever again.

then i was 18 and leaving odac, and the biggest crush i have ever had on anyone. unrequited emotions and innate melancholy made for noisy sobs at the final day of leadership training camp, our last.

now i am 23 and tomorrow is my convocation, and i am listening to vitamin c's song again. this time, i know that the nostalgia is induced, the emotions largely unfounded, and the significance , in the long term, negligent. and yet, and yet, i am reluctant to iron the outfit and the academic gown that i will wear tomorrow, in a ceremonial ceremony to mark the end of my formal education since i was 5 and flushing peaches down toiletbowls to avoid eating the fruit, with red lipstick on and about to go onstage for the first time ever running onstage as a leaf in a happy garden. each moment that i feel nostalgic is also tinged with regret for snowman, that we could have shared in this milestone, and now we have to search for another.

i wonder how proud mama would be. she has always been the most proud of me. i was thinking of her when i watched the seamstress, mrs tan, at the sewing machine altering my dance costume just now. might she have been part of this, and this, and this aspect of my life? the lift button for level 10 was already bright when i entered the lift - maybe she was with me. is.

will we laugh at ourselves for this emotional spurts of public camaraderie? facebook, twitter, blogs, all proclaiming a unity that is short-lived and necessarily gorunded in institutionalised forms of identity. and yet, and yet. still reluctant to iron the clothes and begin the day that is the last that i am a student. i love my new job, i am wiser in handling my relationship with mingyang and trying my best to be wise enough quickly, i am sure of who my friends are and that there will always be people who mean more to me than i admit, and i am okay with my self and i am aware of my flaws and i strive to work on them. and yet, this tendril of innocence, abandon, drama, excitement, spontaneity, this mini legacy that has stretched so far into my life for so long, it has come to meant something. and i know i am ready to let go, and yet i am reluctant to go forth. these 4 years, i have laughed more than i have ever in my life, cried more than i have ever in my life, spoken in public and to strangers more than i have ever in my life, taken trains and travelled more so than i have ever in my life, hidden my emotions more so than i have ever in my life, written more so than i have ever in my life, screamed,hit,jumped,fallen,burned,risen,stagnated, more than i have ever, ever done so in my life. i have never lived more. i

this is stupid cause i so old alr listen to some dumb song and want to bawl.

math matters

18 + 16 + 82 = 116
116 / 1.9 = yayness

crescendo

with buttered fingers, swinging between cliff of black and cliff of white. scrambling and tearing nails in desperation for pause at either end any end so long as there is pause but there is none. swing, swing, swing, swing, all the world reduces into a singular, mounting horror at the eternity of this nausea

(rinse and repeat)

(i can do this)
(i can't do this)

augmentation and amalgamation and apprehension and alarm and ah, aiyo, aiya, ay...

()

:(

wind-up toy

blue dress red hat yellow flower.
turn and turn key, mechanical sounds like other mechanical toys, walk and walk, step step step
inhale pollen too deep, trip over feet and fall. painstakingly stand up
walk and walk, step step step, inhale pollen too deep, trip over feet and fall.
painstakingly stand up

we'll be guided by my new friends the butterflies

we'll be guided, by my new friends, the butterflies
we'll be, guided by my new friends, the butterflies
we'll be guided by, my! new friends, the butterflies
we'll be, guided by, my - new friends! the butterflies
we'll be guided by my, new, friends, the butterflies

GO CHENGS

JITAO STUN

wednesday marks day one of my journey to becoming a lit teacher under ms kon.