is this what it is like

shiny, sharp-edged, possibly valuable but most probably of negligible worth. in order to conceal its gaudy countenance i place in my mouth, mindful of arching my tongue over it to soften pricking. i smile at you, it is slanted, you think it insincere and i deem you cold. we each misconstrue the other and take another mini step towards the cliff of a harsher world -

everything is so painfully obvious on hindsight.

in other news, i felt my first tremor today alone in the house. everything swayed in an elusive reverie, leaving me only with fresh fear. gagging as at the sight of the eyeballs of a gutted fish.

the people of 9/11 must have been so frightened.

my first thought was: if the building falls, my family will not be here, i am glad.
my second thought was: i want mingyang to know i love him dearly.

there are days i lay in bed and dizzy from fatigue i stumble to the toilet. lately i realised this must be how she felt being in bed for four years = one thousand four hundred and sixty days = thirty five thousand and forty hours = two million one hundred and two thousand and four hundred minutes = one hundred and twenty six million one hundred and forty four thousand seconds

as mind boggling to type as it is to read as it is to imagine, enough time in bed for me to get my degree

such obsession. as meaningless as it is futile as it is late

at least it's this not that

i implore you to not read this

just a random preoccupation with bleak novels and sad friends but in the end there is nothing worth saying or said.

i wholly, utterly, completely abhore who i have to be now to achieve these ends. chirpy and chatty are loathsome and nauseating. but i am not talented enough to pull off efficient nonchalance, so too bad. suck it up and relish the taste.

a friend asked why is your blog always so emo i turned and laughed at least i am emo and i type to the computer and i don't throw things or cut myself.

what better way to make yourself feel better than stamping on others.

i currently hate me, so feel free to do so too. the strangest thing is the only thing holding me grounded and allowing me to be level-headed now is whispering to myself my mother is dead and i am alive and this fundamental jarring unpoetic but truthful truth is the nougat of purpose i can squeeze in my palm because there is fyp and there are midterms and there is a relationship to save a sister to console a brother to tutor many friends to meet and a very live father to cherish.

my mother is dead and i am alive
my mother is dead and i am alive

mingyang

We are all meant to shine, like children do. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously inspire others to do the same

sunshine and smiles

i'm safe up high nothing can touch me

it is extremely annoying when the same thing is repeated over and over and over again.

1, 2, 3, 4
1, 2, 3, 4
1, 2, 3, 4
1, 2, 3, 4

enough counting to make the second hand do a lap around the clock.

(every 4 seconds, a child dies)

1, 2, 3, 4 - should i buy that top?
1, 2, 3, 4 - do i look fat today?
1, 2, 3, 4 - what was your grade on that quiz?
1, 2, 3, 4 - fashion isn't a privilege it's a right

words

lovely. lyrical. lilting. clouds. poem. love. shimmer. lily. ethereal. swirl. sigh. melody.

strange, splendid.

inspired by Emily of New Moon - L. M. Montgomery

this is why i am not in love

you don't even affect me all that much, all i feel with the lack of your self in the room is a dull ache in my tummy that has nothing to do with hunger. it isn't even a sharp pain, you don't even affect me all that much.

i used to listen to all the songs you sent, i had a playlist with your name as the title. now the tracks are separated and each alone in different playlists, and the ones i don't like i have even deleted, and i only listen to one track at a time on repeat. you don't even affect me all that much.

the nights are bearable and i sleep well eat well laugh often sing sometimes, i have begun not holding my breath and squinting my eyes shut every time the bus passes your stop. you don't even affect me all that much.

you are no longer all of my world, you are no longer in my world, you are no longer here
you are no longer here, and
this
is why,
i am not in love.
you, you don't
even
affect
me
all, that. much.

flowers and fields and

other things,
lovely things

there was a stream

in which there were ripples between which there was a bottle in which there was a rolled up letter in which there was this

i always knew, i kept it locked up like the deepest secret, held close to my heart like the most precious child. i always knew that one day you will finally know that i write about you. you probably thought, suspected, surmised, maybe hopefully even hoped it. well, now you know.

one thing you must first inhale before exhaling that sigh of yours that i have memorised is that this is nothing like you have ever known. i can barely hold my hands around this enormous..thing. that was probably the only reason why i did not throw my arms around you.

a million featherlight kisses! could anyone float up in happiness? i believe so.

and now, it has come for my time to pass. and now, you know.

i write about you.

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