reticence not a forte

it is challenging being the middle management in the family. actually, i'm the top management disguised as middle management. did i mention i'm not even near perfect, still grasping my way into adulthood? yea, i am.

so in the office, things are vastly improving because i've finally gotten a semi grip and done decent work so far at a reasonable pace, not to mention, seriously, the colleagues, interns and fulltimers alike, are really good.

and no, i am not interested in anthony's sob story. there is no more space in my heart for dying parent. i apologise for this imperfection.

then it's home, and then voila, teenage angst meets mid-life crisis. really, papa, choose your scoldings. 1am to scream about a light that is really no big deal ain't gonna help your relationship with your teenaged son. although you probably have some unspoken indignity that you are keeping from us. and boy too, in school, it can't be that easy being the bottom of the barrel, but you will be stronger at the end of this, believe me. even if cynical and jaded, stronger, and a survivor. and survival is key. quality of life is bullshit.

this is not enough to cover expenses. not when i'm up to my eyeballs in debt, i don't know why the house is my sole responsibility now, and i'm still taken to splurging to calm myself down; tears no longer work. well the lovebonito $45 dress is nice, so i guess at least i'll be stunning during cny. and i hate feeling bad about not giving papa more. i hate it, i hate it, i hate it. i am not the fucking mother of this household.

house is messy and nobody listens to me when i ask/scold/plead/advice/scream/cry at them to tidy up their things, not enough shelves, fridge is old, tiles are cracking, stove is spoilt, washing machine aged, utensils few, mattresses fucking old.

this is humiliating. can't even rant to people. type and type.