what a crooner

sing sing of sins

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQls53Piuj0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RctAgyp5K4Y
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c18441Eh_WE

lips legs lust

going mad with want

reticence not a forte

it is challenging being the middle management in the family. actually, i'm the top management disguised as middle management. did i mention i'm not even near perfect, still grasping my way into adulthood? yea, i am.

so in the office, things are vastly improving because i've finally gotten a semi grip and done decent work so far at a reasonable pace, not to mention, seriously, the colleagues, interns and fulltimers alike, are really good.

and no, i am not interested in anthony's sob story. there is no more space in my heart for dying parent. i apologise for this imperfection.

then it's home, and then voila, teenage angst meets mid-life crisis. really, papa, choose your scoldings. 1am to scream about a light that is really no big deal ain't gonna help your relationship with your teenaged son. although you probably have some unspoken indignity that you are keeping from us. and boy too, in school, it can't be that easy being the bottom of the barrel, but you will be stronger at the end of this, believe me. even if cynical and jaded, stronger, and a survivor. and survival is key. quality of life is bullshit.

this is not enough to cover expenses. not when i'm up to my eyeballs in debt, i don't know why the house is my sole responsibility now, and i'm still taken to splurging to calm myself down; tears no longer work. well the lovebonito $45 dress is nice, so i guess at least i'll be stunning during cny. and i hate feeling bad about not giving papa more. i hate it, i hate it, i hate it. i am not the fucking mother of this household.

house is messy and nobody listens to me when i ask/scold/plead/advice/scream/cry at them to tidy up their things, not enough shelves, fridge is old, tiles are cracking, stove is spoilt, washing machine aged, utensils few, mattresses fucking old.

this is humiliating. can't even rant to people. type and type.

the professional complex

at mingyang's dining table now. robyn on speakers and keyboard protector cast aside cause it compeltely muffles the audio and robyn is only robyn, loud.

have spent the past 2 weekend completely bumming around and glued to the streets of manhattan, sex, friendship, and neurosis a la carrie bradshaw who is disturbingly familiar.

mingyang's mother just returned with a new haircut. she is one of the coolest mothers around. the previous time, she returned with a wig cause "everything also must try"

i be publishing writing online in april.

back to work kthxbye

night elf

cataclysm's night elf music is sublime beauty.

it is one of those shadow dances with closed eyes caressed by feathery drapes. a slow sweep of lashes, and the gaze is upon you

the finger around your throat are unexpected, swift, and merciless. cold, but this you do not realise -

there are lips at your ear. and the sinister whispers begin, alluring and fatal. these are the last you will hear.

they say those with spaces between fingers

spend money like water
it's true.

drowning all woe in caffeine
and shopping like a glamour whore.

conversations in my head

id: go and buy that dress la, it's long enough to be decent and you can afford it!
ego: cannot la, already spent on the wedges and the dress and the top, shouldn't spend any more money liaos, especially since u know u will buy something else soon
super-ego: shut up and go and sleep.

so, goodnight!

long, long ago

i wrote this and posted it on a website, just to be published.
recently, cassie chanced upon it again and put it on her facebook profile
there are many things i would change about it because it is unpolished and incomplete and rather juvenile because of how young i was then, but here it is.

the secret garden
in the secret garden of my heart, the melody begins.
softly the music plays, and gradually
i see your face
as my thoughts drift lightly to you
don't know why i have become like this
images surface
without warning in my mind
you, laughing, talking
doing the thing you do best; looking so much more
than just beautiful
has anyone ever told you, that
you would one day meet someone
the someone who saw you as just that little bit
more special than others
someone who would unconsciously
helplessly
take note of anything you do
it doesn't really matter what things come to
you have the freedom
where your path leads
though i do secretly hope deep inside
i just want you to know
that you only have to turn around
to see i'm mere steps away. be aware,
that i will be here for you. always.
the tune gradually fades, as i become sure
of what i feel for you
i dare not pin any word to that emotion
it feels right just to know it this way
without anything attached to it
it has no shape, no texture
it's just a something
that resembles a rainbow of colours flowing seamlessly
into each other, and
radiating a faint glow of happiness
slowly the gentle song ends
as i feel a smile forming on my face
and surely the chapter of you in this little secret garden of mine
begins.

2011 - 1 - 2

my resolution is to be an optimist.

there is always hope, really.

jia you my loves.