read (it) and weep

where it is anything heartwrenching,

nervewrecking,
mindblowing,
breathtaking,
heartbreaking.

there is a certain comfortable, gratifying catharsis that comes with emotional response. ask me, i would know. and yet can somebody please tell me why this cynicism that is creeping in like a late, uninvited guest that you purposely left out because the last time the guest was there there was chaos and havoc and you only want silence.

you only want peace.

and it is all well to encapsulate and eternalise that beautifully tragic moment where a family grieves the loss of a son or where the heartbroken man finally accepts that the woman most beautiful to him in the entire world looks at him with sincere nonchalance, this is all well, except, there is the excruciating monotony that happens after

and do you know of that? do you know that there are bills to pay places to go and people to smile at?

heartbreak is an ugly thing. it is pretty in pills that you can ingest at those odd moments you choose to glance away from your fairytale land from. but for the heartbroken, it is endless.

it is in this breath you take.
it is in this breath you take.
it is in this breath you take.

and living becomes less painful than it is embarrassing. for what point is there when they only want more painful pieces from you

tenderloin, or rib's eye?

the connoisseur of sorrow, bon appetit

when i was 4, love was

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all even when his hands got arthritis, too. That’s Love.“
Rebecca – age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
Billy – age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.”
Karl – age 5

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French Fries without making them give you any of theirs.”
Chrissy – age 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”
Terri – age 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.”
Danny – age 7

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.”
Bobby – age 7

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.”
Nikka – age 6

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.”
Noelle – age 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.”
Tommy – age 6

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”
Elaine-age 5

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”
Mary Ann – age 4

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.”
Lauren – age 4

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you”
Karen – age 7

"i'm trying already. don't you know?"

"do u know what i do the moment i enter the lecture hall? i take out my phone and talk into it and there's nobody on the other line.

"do u know what i'm doing when u have lunch with your friends? i sit in the toilet cubicle and wait for the break to pass. do u know this? and what are u doing?

"i'm going to school for the sanity of this family and for yours ah. at the expense of mine ah.

"please do not insult me by saying how i don't go and find u

"don't u know that every second i wish i was the one going to find u?

"when u don't even know anything about my life, please don't insult me by saying that i don't care. you have no idea how much i do ah

"i don't care whether u love me or not. i just love u."

"because i am not interested to be stuck in that stupor ah. because that would take about 50 episodes ah"

"imagine this

a world where there are no secrets,

no anxieties,
no resentment that stems from anxiety,

no gossip, no social judgment,

no irrational fear of haircuts,

no fire, no smoke, no broken families,
no autism,
no depression,
no extra marital affairs,
no hatred,

(no love masked carefully by hatred)

no self-despise,
no ideological rigidity that originates from selfish desires for convenience and social acceptance,
no negative discrimination,

no poverty,
no deception, no child labour, no prostitution,
no need for child labour, no need for prostitution,

no shame upon the financially poor,
no financial inequity,
no inequity"

and if that constitutes,
"imagine a world without us"

what are we worth, really

The Spring And The Fall - Edna St. Vincent Millay

In the spring of the year, in the spring of the year,
I walked the road beside my dear.
The trees were black where the bark was wet.
I see them yet, in the spring of the year.
He broke me a bough of the blossoming peach
That was out of the way and hard to reach.

In the fall of the year, in the fall of the year,
I walked the road beside my dear.
The rooks went up with a raucous trill.
I hear them still, in the fall of the year.
He laughed at all I dared to praise,
And broke my heart, in little ways.

Year be springing or year be falling,
The bark will drip and the birds be calling.
There's much that's fine to see and hear
In the spring of a year, in the fall of a year.
'Tis not love's going hurt my days.
But that it went in little ways.

selective sorrow

"...that even though i will accept u as a friend unconditionally and as u are, i would be genuinely frightened of the prospect of my brother being a homosexual. i think we all just want our loved ones to fit into this...mould of social acceptance, so that we can carry on living our lives with minimal disruption. and only, to accept deviance in those not so immediate to our existence."

"i know, many people are like that too"

"and does that make u sad"

"..yes."


it is so much easier to, for want of better expression, deal with sadness when it is not so near us. of the deviant, the depressed, the deluded, the delineated. just, distanced from this great celestial society that all hail.

and, i admit. being not as near makes for an easier fluffy existence. no need to account for the tears the screams the cries the knocks bangs cuts wails

the silence.

but love, affection, friendship, is not supposed to be categorised in such manner. convenience is actually really really irrelevant to emotion, isn't it? there is only fear for things that actually matter to us and instead of being scared and leaving it at that and thereby leaving someone we supposedly care for alone and helpless, each attempt at communication, assuming failure for every one and meeting disdain when the said loved one is not in the friendliest of minds, at least is a try.

mockery should be the last of concerns when what is at stake is loneliness. right? so we should all at least try to understand, to speak, and most of all, to listen. right?

this is the night

before the rest of my short-haired days..! se.rious.ly. i got the hair seminar thing, soo...tmr's the hair colouring at which maybe they'll do a preliminary cut (cause my hair is really THAT long) and friday will be mo-gu commencement.

i told sarah, life's for living! on the edge. she said living on the edge doesn't mean u have to be ugly!

ha. ha. i love my supportive friends.

hello junejune.
hello chengs.
happier days await you.
love.

for now, fingers crossed for cooler days with cooler hair.

therefore it would be nothing short of silly silliness to be presumptuous and think that you would

all this time

i've been making excuses. too busy, have tuition, got errand to run, ritual to prepare for, assignment to complete, project to do, casting to coordinate, people to call meet consult email essays to pen readings to read heartbreaks to mend families to heal siblings to help father to love - but, i have come to realise

maybe i just don't really care.

rainbows,

green fields with
fresh
flowers
swaying to the bright sun
shine - like a happy child
smiling, jumping
flying, or at least, believing that they can
fly

beautiful faces with
beautiful hair, and
beautiful legs
that skim the floor, closer to floating
nearer to the skies
than to here
than to me

nugget

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 paragraphs i typed about what happened today, deleted in an instant. somehow it is just so gross to publish such a post, though i know i would enjoy reading how life was like as a 22 year old (oh me gut can i really be any more ancient than this).

some secrets so huge they silence you that no words ensue and all the world thinks you have disappeared and thus leaves you. and you, thrashing against these invisible and invincible bonds, unnoticed.

oh no baby you, can't you see? i'm hiding in your arms

eyes are shutting. forensic science is no joke after 5 years of pure arts education. totally stunning to the max. polymer, chromatography, phenolphthalein..? like kindergarten acquaintances i've to write recommendation letters for. jitao bloody stun.

thanks be for the cool breeze and the silent night and the peaceful solitude. this is the tranquility; it is guilt-free and it is gentle and it is mine.

a smile

so wide and sparkling it can only be made of glass.
clear, transparent, convincing,
sharp edges melded together like lovers.

wish to disappear
please do not look at me
wish to dissipate
please do not see me

oh, oh oh ohm (gentle is the night)

i have shared my food, clothes, underwear, toothbrush, bed, toiletries, but i have never shared a table with anyone before.

this is a fact i truly appreciate tonight, together with realising that physical distance can be actually a blessing. being a million miles away i can spare you my monotony and daily toils and troubles and repeating woes. still repeating, still on repeat. if i confided you a year ago today i would confide in you tonight of the same thing.

on the bed on my side across the room i could not read the screen but i knew it was you. and it was you.

if you asked, i would tell you: yes, you are lovely. and i would lean in enough and close my eyes to inhale a thin, long, sincere breath, and immortalise your scent in an imprint on my heart.

but well there are many happy people who are nice and helpful and concerned and companiable and reliable, and there is nothing wrong with sharing a table because i get smiles and hugs and friendship - it is just, i am not lonely so long as i smile and am happy.

and so eternally gleeful i must be

sugared peanuts

as of now:

school
1. modern poetry - stanza & prose analytical criticism. readings. upcoming presentation.
2. media law - readings.
3. forensic science - midterm on wednesday.

fyp
pending wardrobe contact
pending props list breakdown
collate 2nd casting applicants
contact people for 2nd read
meet jessie to enquire about equipment

oath

this great big giant word fills up my mouth and the expanding balloon it is, there is no space left for me to explain my absence. please understand that i am too busy wrapping my tongue around this great big...thing.

and secret as it is huge i await the moment it will explode as suddenly as it materialised, and then all that is left behind will be the aftertaste of gunpowder and an inexplicable emptiness.

maybe, then, we will meet again.